Depressed for almost 8 months now, what should I do ?

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My story:-

My dad owned a house for 9 years.  He had a gambling problem and could not afford to pay the bond anymore.  My sister bought the house from him for the price he paid.  She lived in this house with her husband for one year.  She then had problems with my parents and decided to sell the house.  She approached me to buy it for double of what she paid.  I was not too keen considering I wasnt earning a good salary.  I couldnt get a bond from the bank and I asked her to drop her price.  She then dropped the price just a little.  I eventually got a bond after loads of hassles.  I then allowed my mum and dad to live there while my husband, son and I still live with my inlaws like we did for many years.  We only asked me dad to pay for water, lights and rates.  We never asked him to pay anything towards the bond or charge him rent.  I lived with my mum in law and brother in law for 11 years.  My son is 9 and have been living with my husband and I in the basement of my mum in laws yard.  We had our own space ie. a room, a small kitchen area, toilet and bath.  It was 2 rooms.  One room was a dark room with no windows. The other room has windows but poor ventilation.  Our house had a "damp" smell due to this.  Our clothing also had a "damp" smell if not used and washed regularly.  My son, husband and I used to sleep in one Queen sized bed as the backroom was used for storing our stuff.  We did use the backroom as a bedroom before but had to move all our stuff to the front room as when it rained the backroom would flood.  We had to throw out lots of furniture etc.due to this happening.  This is why we now used it for storage and not for sleeping anymore.  My kitchen sink packed up and I had to wash dishes outside for 6 months (in Winter also).  Our next door neighbours who is my husband's cousin got married and moved in.  My husband and I could not park our cars in their yard anymore as there was space only for their vehicles so we had to park our cars down the road in my other neighbours yard.  My husband last year decided its time we moved becos of all these problems.  I told him we cannot move as parents are living in our house and we could not move elsewhere and pay rent and a bond.  He then suggested we spilt the house and give my parents two rooms.  One would be a kitchen and the other would be a bedroom and he would do renovations to make them a bathroom and toilet which he then did.  My parents then had no choice but to agree to this. My family and I then moved in last year September. Even though my husband said its time to move he kept stalling.  We were supposed to move in June 2014 but only ended up moving in September.  I think deep down he really didnt want to move at all considering he lived with his family all of his 40 years on earth.  The very first day we moved my mum had a panic attack and said she cannot live in such a small place.  I felt so bad and guilty that I put them in this situation.  I didnt know what to do.  I always all my life wanted to live on my own with my husband and son away from the inlaws and now it came true but I was unhappy cos my parents were unhappy. I didnt know what to do.  My husband said we could move back home but I said we cannot.  I made a mistake by saying this.  I should have moved back home the very next day but I was selfish.  I didnt think about my parents.  I only thought of myself and how finally I am away from my mum in law as she never liked me from day one.  Well, after a month my mum moved out permantely to live with my sister who just had a baby.  My mum refused to come back home.  She packed all her stuff and left.  My dad didnt know what to do and in December 2014 he sold all his furniture and moved to Jhb to live with my other sister. I feel so guilty, I cry everytime I speak to my parents becos they are now living apart becos of us moving.  They complain and blame us for moving and disrupting their peaceful lives.  My husband says that once they go they must not come back.  My dad wants to come back to live in the section we gave them but my mum refuses.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I ruined my family's life.  Everyone blames me now, cousins, sisters, relatives, neighbours etc.  How do I live the rest of my life with this guilt. I am so depressed.  I have been to psychiatrists, psychologists etc. who says I am not to blame but I feel guilty living day in and day out in that house that reminds me that it was once my parents home until I came into the picture.  My husband refuses to sell the house.  My husband and son refuses to go back and live with my mum in law.  I miss my old house living with my mum in law and brother in law.  I really complained about the terrible conditions in which we were living for many years.  Little did I know that I should have been grateful as I was happy then.  Now I have a big house with fancy furniture etc.  but I am unhappy.  When I had nothing I was happier than I am now.  I beg my husband and son to either sell the house or go back home and they said they are happier in the new place and that they will never leave.  When they first moved they didnt like the new place.  After a week they wanted to go back home but I told them to stay and give this place a chance.  I wish I didnt say that becos now I want to leave but they don't.  What do I do ?  To top it all off I developed Tinnitus while 4 months pregnant but you can read that story in the Tinnitus section.  Just two weeks ago our house was broken into and my parents lived there for so long but no one broke into the house.  It seems our bad luck started when we moved and it does not seem to be ending.  Just two days ago my car was broken into also at work.  It's too much for me to deal with !!!  I feel as if God is punishing me for putting my parents in the situation they are in right now. 

2 likes, 15 replies

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Shabina, You really shouldn't blame yourself. The conditions you lived in with your in-laws was appalling and you put up with so much and you had every right to live in the house where you are currently living. Having taken time to persuade your husband and son to move to your current home why would you want to move back? Be honest with yourself. As for your parents you can't be responsible for the choices they make. If your dad wants to come back why not let him. Who knows your mum may soon follow.

    Your psychiatrist says you aren't to blame but you won't accept that but you must try. All you've ever tried to do is better your situation. Give yourself a break and try and think more rationally about this whole situation.

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    • Posted

      Hi Gwen,

      Thank you for your advice.  But please note that my husband is so stubborn and don't want my dad to come back to live with us as he did not pay the rates for 2 years.  We owned the house for 4 years and my dad gambled his earnings and neglected to pay the rates.  We didn't know the rates was not paid until my mum showed us a letter of demand from the Rates Department.  My husband was furious and approached my dad and asked him why he did not pay.  My dad said he is not working etc. My husband knew my dad was working part-time at home and was also collecting pension. 

      I know our living conditions was bad but at least then I didn't have this guilt that I currently have.  I wish I could undo all that has been done.  My parents don't bother about me anymore.  They don't phone me,  neither do any of my sisters.  They all blame me.  They all say I should have not listened to my husband and I should have fought for my parents and that I should have just told my husband to put an outbuilding for my parents instead of blocking them off and giving them such a small area to live in.  My husband didnt want to live in the same house as my parents cos my dad is very fussy so he made a separate section and separate entrance for them.  I also admit it was very small and I myself would not be able to live there.  My mum has high blood pressure and diabeties so that is why she felt claustrophobic and left to go live with my sister and refuses to come back home as she says my sister's house is much bigger than the section we gave them to live in. 

      I cry everyday cos of what I have done. I know I wanted a better life for my family but what better life is this considering everyone is miserable including myself.  I never had so much problems before in all the years I lived with my mum in law.  I keep thinking everyday about my "normal routine life" I had by my inlaws before all this happened. 

      How can I be happy in that house cos everyday is a reminder that it was once the home my parents lived in for so many years until I came there and ruined everyone's lives !!

       

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    • Posted

      You mean the house where your father didn't pay the rates and left you with a big bill?  Who weren't grateful for living rent freee in your house?   With a sister who made a profit on it at your expense?  

      What makes you responsible for your parents?   They are adults who make their own decisions so why is it your fault?  How much did any of them bother about you?   Have any of them ever helped you out? 

      My advice?  Sell the house,  move away and concentrate on your own family.  Leave your family to it with their moaning and selfishness.  Find a bit of selfishness and look  after yourself for a change.   You did your best for them and what reward do you get?   They are not worth it trust me!   Find some pride and stop feeling sorry things went wrong.  That's life sometimes.   Promise to think about this please!   Bev x

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    • Posted

      Thanks Bev

      You are right, none of them bothered about me.  It was my 40th birthday in Feb 2014.  My dad never phoned to wish me.  My mum called and spoke to me for a few seconds and that was it.  My mum in law who doesnt like me together with my brother in law and my husband all got together to give me a good time.  They took me out for the day and gave me a party at night.  My parents never came to see me on that day even though I invited them.  I paid the bond for 4 years, least they could have done was make my birthday special but they didnt. 

      I will try my best to convince my husband to sell the house and start fresh.  He is unwilling to do that at this moment but I will give it a try. 

      You are right they are not worth it.  It was their fault in the first place.  They are adults and they could have found some way to pay the rates as both of them were getting pension and the rates was such a small amount to pay per month.  Both my parents were doing business from home.  My mum is a dressmaker and my dad was doing a business by restoring furniture from home.  Both of them were getting an extra income every month besides their pension so they had no excuse not to pay the rates.

      Thanks again Bev, I will stop making myself sick and depressed as I can see it is affecting both my husband and son as I keep complaining how I hate this house and wished we never moved. 

       

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    • Posted

      Hi shabina good for you love.   You sound like a lovely caring person who tries to look after others and you don't deserve such shabby treatment. 

      I am so glad you got a party though for your 40th and hope you enjoyed it.

      I am well over 40 but I remember it as a time of 'stocktaking' I came to some important decisions about my life and made some changes.  You are doing the same - good on you love. 

      I would have a chat with your hubby saying that in order to move on you need to get out of that house with it's bad memories.  Tell him you will be a lot less depressed and unhappy if you do move.  Also isn't it your house?  You can do what you like with it!   

      Go girl smile       Bev x

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    • Posted

      Thank you Bev, you are too kind.  I will chat with hubby and see how it goes.  You are right, it is my house and if I move to a new place I would not be so unhappy.  I would be starting fresh in a new place.  That would take a load of stress off my shoulders.  It would also have no memories of my parents and my family and I can make our own memories. 

      My hubby however is a very stubborn and unreasonable person.  He does not understand things from my view.  He sees it as a new home for him as he hasnt lived in this house before and he doesnt understand how much memories it has for me as I lived in this house with my parents for 3 years before I married him.  Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall !!

      I will just have to see how it goes.  If he doesn't sell then I am stuck in a home I hate until the day I die !! 

      Take care Bev, thanks you again for your encourging words !

       

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    • Posted

      Hi your hubby isn't just stubborn and unreasonable he is also unbelievable selfish and insensitive if he won't see what effect living in the house has on you.  Tell him you have paid your dues having to manage in his parents house all this time under very adverse conditions and you deserve to be happy now.   If he won't listen put it in writing and leave it where he will find it.  

      At the end of the day it is your house,  not his and you can make the decision without his cooperation can't you?   Take your house and your control back - you are not at the mercy of anyone,  only if you want to be.  Take care.  Bev x

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Bev

      Thanks, you are right.  It is my house as I am paying the bond and not my husband.  He threatens me everytime I say I want to sell my house and my son starts to cry.  He keeps saying he will go back and live with his mum whilst my son and I live in the house and I can ask my mum and dad to move in as well so everyone will be happy.  My son does not want us to live apart so he starts to cry.  I feel so helpless and I feel like committing suicide as this guilt is too much for me to bear.  My family and I have been through HELL this year.  First with the move, problems with my parents, my falling pregnant unexpectedly, me falling ill whilst pregnant and then having a miscarriage at 16 weeks, being in and out of hospitals this year trying to get a doctor to diagnose me, me being robbed of all the money I had in my bank account, our house was then broken into and my car was also broken into this week Monday. I also found out I now have Tinnitus and I just cannot cope with it as it is a loud pounding noise 24 hours a day.   Its been one thing after another and I just don't know what to do.  I feel as if my life is over and this is too much for me to handle.  If it wasn't for my son I would be dead right now.  Maybe God is punishing me for being such an awful daughter and this is my punishment, I don't know anymore.  I don't know how much longer I can hold on.  I am literally hanging on by a thread.  I have tried committing suicide a month ago as it was too much for me to bear but I heard my son talking to his dad outside and I stopped dead in my tracks.  I love my son with all my heart and soul.  He is the reason I am breathing right now.  I sometimes wish I just stayed by my inlaws like I did for 11 years cos I would never had gotten Tinnitus (this was caused by the pregnancy), I would never have this guilt concerning my parents, our house would not have been robbed cos where I lived by my inlaws it was a very safe area and I would be living my life like I always did.  I can't seem to get past this change in my life.  I keep thinking "if only" I did this and if only I did that.  I miss my old house even though it was not the best living conditions.  I miss the area, I miss my normal routine in that house, I miss my neighbours, I even miss my inlaws. 

      What do I do Bev, how do I get past this terrible nightmare ?  I really appreciate any advice you have.  Take care Bev. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Shabina I don't get the 'awful daughter' bit.   Why are you such an awful daughter for needing your own house back?   Why are you accepting the guilt for your families behavour?   You made space for them in your house didn't you?  If they didn't like it you weren't forcing them out - it was their decision.   Why don't they get their own place if they want to be together?

      Say instead 'awful parents' for not paying the rates,  for not being grateful for being able to live rent free in your house.  For obviously not giving a toss for your welfare.   For ignoring your 40th birthday.  You care about them but how much do they care about you?  Not a lot from the sound of it. 

      How about awful sister for her making you pay over the odds for the house and making a profit out of you? 

      Do any of them care about you?   Why are you the scapegoat for your family?  

      Why didn't your husband care about subjecting you to having to live in your in laws house?  Under such awful conditions?   Why did you put up with it for so long?   Surely your own family has a right to their own house to live in so why do you put eveyone else first and yourself last?  You are much too important for that.   Doesn't your son deserve his own home too?   It's your house,  your son and you have to make the decisons which are best for the two of you.

      If hubby wants to run home to mummy then that's up to him isn't it?   It sounds like he has never untied the apron strings.   How much does he care about you and your son's welfare?   Not a lot from the sound of it. 

      You have the financial power to control your own life so don't give it away to others.  You are entitled to live as good a life as you can make for yourself.

      Are you on any ad's?  Are you going for counselling?   This might help you to see what is really going on.   You need and deserve love and consideration from your family instead of condemnation and guilt.  If they won't give it to you then you need to seek it elsewhere.   This is important for all of us and we all deserve it.  You are a lot stronger than you realise you know - you just have to find your strength.  If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your son.   Bev x

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    • Posted

      Hi Bev

      You know you are more clued up and "tell it to me straight" and I appreciate that.  The counsellor I am seeing is a waste of time.  She also says I should not blame myself.  I am finding everyday things hard to do eg. waking up each morning is a nightmare for me.  I wish I just die in my sleep.  

      My husband care a whole lot about his mum and brother and sister.  When I stayed with them I had loads of problems as my hubby would also take his mum's side whenever we had problems.  He never saw who is right and who is wrong.  She was always right no matter what.  I put up with it and kept quiet.  When my son was born my mum in law and I had a huge fight.  We never spoke to each other for over 1 year.  I almost moved out but somehow my husband calmed me down and we stayed.  They never like me right from the start yet I did nothing to them.  I came from a good homely family background, was always independent ie. had my own car, had a good job etc. but that was not good enough for my mum in law. 

      My mum called me yesterday and she again complained how her peaceful life is now over becos of us moving in.  She is now stuck looking after my sister's baby (this is the same sister who sold the house to me).  She is now renting in a flat and has a 8 month old baby.  My mum is living with her cos she has no where else to go and is looking after the baby, cleaning, cooking, ironing etc. She says she is tired and didnt expect to look after such a small baby for her age.  Everytime she calls me she complains about how awful her life is now.  She is old and I feel so sorry for her.  She is my mum after all.  She gave birth to me, took care of me until I was 28 years old cos I got married when I was 29 years old.  I am sorry

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    • Posted

      I am sorry Bev for burdening you with my life story. 

      It seems to help me somehow chatting to you as you point out the facts of what is going on and it helps to see things in a different perspective. 

      Thank you once again, you sound like a wonderful person.  I wish I could chat to you in person.  Here is a big hug from me to you, thanks once again. 

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    • Posted

      Ha ha I am far from wonderful Shabina but thank you for your kind words.  Your counsellor is right in that you are not to blame,  but I guess your mindset won't allow you to accept that right now.    

      I understand what you are saying about your mum as guilt always goes with the territory doesn't it?   But she chose too leave.  You obviously have to respect the fact she is your mother but you aren't able to take total responsibility for her or your father are you? 

      But you can't let anyone drag you too far down as your prime responsibility is to yourself and your son.  No one else.   You help if you can of course and you have a great deal but can only go so far.   You can't sacrifice yourself for others - it doesn't work as you have found out.

      I have to take the dog out for a walk now but will be back in later.  We can chat in pm if you would like to? 

      bev xx  

      When my parents were old and ill I did what I could and felt awful when we had to put my mother in a home as she didn't want to go.  We had no choice for her own safety but it doesn't stop the guilt does it?    

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  • Posted

    Hi you didn't put your parents in any situation,  they chose it.   You were very good to them and let them live in your house rent free,  but then you needed it back.  I am surprised you lived with your in laws for so long and under such dreadful conditions. 

    I think it was wonderful of you to buy the house for your parents.  Your sister is the selfish one for wanting so much money for it.  I notice she didn't put your parents up did she? 

    I must admit I agree with your hubby about staying in your house - you need a proper home especailly with a child,  after all it is not doing him much good living in such a damp home and with such a bad atmosphere.  

    If your family have a go at you tell them you tried your best for your loved ones which is more than they did.  It sounds like it is way past their turn to help by putting your parents up.   You have nothing to feel guilty for. 

    You need now to start putting your own family first and not your birth family, and enjoy living in a peaceful and happy family home!   x

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your advice. 

      I sometimes blame my husband for being where I am right now.  I feel if he hadn't suggested we move I would not be having this problem in my life. 

      I know our living conditions was bad but we managed for so long and a couple of years more would not make a difference.  I also promised my parents when we bought the house from my sister that they can live in the house until they are no longer around.  It seems as if we couldn't wait for them to "die" and moved in before then.  My parents are both over 66 and my husband said what if they live until they are over 80 yrs then we will only live in our house and enjoy our home when we are in our sixties (we are both 41 yrs) and too old to enjoy anything at that age. 

      I will try my best to take your advice but I struggle with this problem on a daily basis.  I wake up everyday feeling guilty about living there.  I wish I could just sell the house and start fresh elsewhere but my husband refuses as he says we did so much renovations, alterations etc. and have purchased furniture to suit the house and now I just want to move.  He also says the cost of the selling and purchasing a new place would burn a hole in our pockets.  I really don't know how I am going to live there until the day I die. 

       

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  • Posted

    I learned the hard way the old addage of never do business with family or friends.I am one of eight children. Now after years of differences two have passed away in anger, another is so riled she will not listen to reason, another has just said  nothing to do with any of the rest, another is only talking to one other but three of us have forgiven, forgotten and moved onto having a fairly healthy adult interaction. It seems once past 50 years old one foot wants to slip into the grave, past sixty one foot has dragged it self in that grave. You get the message. So your differences are about money to begine with, then the gambling and back to money. A damp basement tolive in, money... Either you cannot make enough money or what you do earn you are not spending wisely, BUT my experience tells me to share never do business with family ...
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