Depressed for almost 8 months now, what should I do ?

Thank you for your advice.  But please note that my husband is so stubborn and don't want my dad to come back to live with us as he did not pay the rates for 2 years.  We owned the house for 4 years and my dad gambled his earnings and neglected to pay the rates.  We didn't know the rates was not paid until my mum showed us a letter of demand from the Rates Department.  My husband was furious and approached my dad and asked him why he did not pay.  My dad said he is not working etc. My husband knew my dad was working part-time at home and was also collecting pension. 

I know our living conditions was bad but at least then I didn't have this guilt that I currently have.  I wish I could undo all that has been done.  My parents don't bother about me anymore.  They don't phone me,  neither do any of my sisters.  They all blame me.  They all say I should have not listened to my husband and I should have fought for my parents and that I should have just told my husband to put an outbuilding for my parents instead of blocking them off and giving them such a small area to live in.  My husband didnt want to live in the same house as my parents cos my dad is very fussy so he made a separate section and separate entrance for them.  I also admit it was very small and I myself would not be able to live there.  My mum has high blood pressure and diabeties so that is why she felt claustrophobic and left to go live with my sister and refuses to come back home as she says my sister's house is much bigger than the section we gave them to live in. 

I cry everyday cos of what I have done. I know I wanted a better life for my family but what better life is this considering everyone is miserable including myself.  I never had so much problems before in all the years I lived with my mum in law.  I keep thinking everyday about my "normal routine life" I had by my inlaws before all this happened. 

How can I be happy in that house cos everyday is a reminder that it was once the home my parents lived in for so many years until I came there and ruined everyone's lives !!

What makes you responsible for your parents?   They are adults who make their own decisions so why is it your fault?  How much did any of them bother about you?   Have any of them ever helped you out? 

My advice?  Sell the house,  move away and concentrate on your own family.  Leave your family to it with their moaning and selfishness.  Find a bit of selfishness and look  after yourself for a change.   You did your best for them and what reward do you get?   They are not worth it trust me!   Find some pride and stop feeling sorry things went wrong.  That's life sometimes.   Promise to think about this please!   Bev x

You are right, none of them bothered about me.  It was my 40th birthday in Feb 2014.  My dad never phoned to wish me.  My mum called and spoke to me for a few seconds and that was it.  My mum in law who doesnt like me together with my brother in law and my husband all got together to give me a good time.  They took me out for the day and gave me a party at night.  My parents never came to see me on that day even though I invited them.  I paid the bond for 4 years, least they could have done was make my birthday special but they didnt. 

I will try my best to convince my husband to sell the house and start fresh.  He is unwilling to do that at this moment but I will give it a try. 

You are right they are not worth it.  It was their fault in the first place.  They are adults and they could have found some way to pay the rates as both of them were getting pension and the rates was such a small amount to pay per month.  Both my parents were doing business from home.  My mum is a dressmaker and my dad was doing a business by restoring furniture from home.  Both of them were getting an extra income every month besides their pension so they had no excuse not to pay the rates.

Thanks again Bev, I will stop making myself sick and depressed as I can see it is affecting both my husband and son as I keep complaining how I hate this house and wished we never moved. 

I am so glad you got a party though for your 40th and hope you enjoyed it.

I am well over 40 but I remember it as a time of 'stocktaking' I came to some important decisions about my life and made some changes.  You are doing the same - good on you love. 

I would have a chat with your hubby saying that in order to move on you need to get out of that house with it's bad memories.  Tell him you will be a lot less depressed and unhappy if you do move.  Also isn't it your house?  You can do what you like with it!   

Go girl        Bev x

My hubby however is a very stubborn and unreasonable person.  He does not understand things from my view.  He sees it as a new home for him as he hasnt lived in this house before and he doesnt understand how much memories it has for me as I lived in this house with my parents for 3 years before I married him.  Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall !!

I will just have to see how it goes.  If he doesn't sell then I am stuck in a home I hate until the day I die !! 

Take care Bev, thanks you again for your encourging words !

At the end of the day it is your house,  not his and you can make the decision without his cooperation can't you?   Take your house and your control back - you are not at the mercy of anyone,  only if you want to be.  Take care.  Bev x

Thanks, you are right.  It is my house as I am paying the bond and not my husband.  He threatens me everytime I say I want to sell my house and my son starts to cry.  He keeps saying he will go back and live with his mum whilst my son and I live in the house and I can ask my mum and dad to move in as well so everyone will be happy.  My son does not want us to live apart so he starts to cry.  I feel so helpless and I feel like committing suicide as this guilt is too much for me to bear.  My family and I have been through HELL this year.  First with the move, problems with my parents, my falling pregnant unexpectedly, me falling ill whilst pregnant and then having a miscarriage at 16 weeks, being in and out of hospitals this year trying to get a doctor to diagnose me, me being robbed of all the money I had in my bank account, our house was then broken into and my car was also broken into this week Monday. I also found out I now have Tinnitus and I just cannot cope with it as it is a loud pounding noise 24 hours a day.   Its been one thing after another and I just don't know what to do.  I feel as if my life is over and this is too much for me to handle.  If it wasn't for my son I would be dead right now.  Maybe God is punishing me for being such an awful daughter and this is my punishment, I don't know anymore.  I don't know how much longer I can hold on.  I am literally hanging on by a thread.  I have tried committing suicide a month ago as it was too much for me to bear but I heard my son talking to his dad outside and I stopped dead in my tracks.  I love my son with all my heart and soul.  He is the reason I am breathing right now.  I sometimes wish I just stayed by my inlaws like I did for 11 years cos I would never had gotten Tinnitus (this was caused by the pregnancy), I would never have this guilt concerning my parents, our house would not have been robbed cos where I lived by my inlaws it was a very safe area and I would be living my life like I always did.  I can't seem to get past this change in my life.  I keep thinking "if only" I did this and if only I did that.  I miss my old house even though it was not the best living conditions.  I miss the area, I miss my normal routine in that house, I miss my neighbours, I even miss my inlaws. 

What do I do Bev, how do I get past this terrible nightmare ?  I really appreciate any advice you have.  Take care Bev. 

Say instead 'awful parents' for not paying the rates,  for not being grateful for being able to live rent free in your house.  For obviously not giving a toss for your welfare.   For ignoring your 40th birthday.  You care about them but how much do they care about you?  Not a lot from the sound of it. 

How about awful sister for her making you pay over the odds for the house and making a profit out of you? 

Do any of them care about you?   Why are you the scapegoat for your family?  

Why didn't your husband care about subjecting you to having to live in your in laws house?  Under such awful conditions?   Why did you put up with it for so long?   Surely your own family has a right to their own house to live in so why do you put eveyone else first and yourself last?  You are much too important for that.   Doesn't your son deserve his own home too?   It's your house,  your son and you have to make the decisons which are best for the two of you.

If hubby wants to run home to mummy then that's up to him isn't it?   It sounds like he has never untied the apron strings.   How much does he care about you and your son's welfare?   Not a lot from the sound of it. 

You have the financial power to control your own life so don't give it away to others.  You are entitled to live as good a life as you can make for yourself.

Are you on any ad's?  Are you going for counselling?   This might help you to see what is really going on.   You need and deserve love and consideration from your family instead of condemnation and guilt.  If they won't give it to you then you need to seek it elsewhere.   This is important for all of us and we all deserve it.  You are a lot stronger than you realise you know - you just have to find your strength.  If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your son.   Bev x

You know you are more clued up and "tell it to me straight" and I appreciate that.  The counsellor I am seeing is a waste of time.  She also says I should not blame myself.  I am finding everyday things hard to do eg. waking up each morning is a nightmare for me.  I wish I just die in my sleep.  

My husband care a whole lot about his mum and brother and sister.  When I stayed with them I had loads of problems as my hubby would also take his mum's side whenever we had problems.  He never saw who is right and who is wrong.  She was always right no matter what.  I put up with it and kept quiet.  When my son was born my mum in law and I had a huge fight.  We never spoke to each other for over 1 year.  I almost moved out but somehow my husband calmed me down and we stayed.  They never like me right from the start yet I did nothing to them.  I came from a good homely family background, was always independent ie. had my own car, had a good job etc. but that was not good enough for my mum in law. 

My mum called me yesterday and she again complained how her peaceful life is now over becos of us moving in.  She is now stuck looking after my sister's baby (this is the same sister who sold the house to me).  She is now renting in a flat and has a 8 month old baby.  My mum is living with her cos she has no where else to go and is looking after the baby, cleaning, cooking, ironing etc. She says she is tired and didnt expect to look after such a small baby for her age.  Everytime she calls me she complains about how awful her life is now.  She is old and I feel so sorry for her.  She is my mum after all.  She gave birth to me, took care of me until I was 28 years old cos I got married when I was 29 years old.  I am sorry

It seems to help me somehow chatting to you as you point out the facts of what is going on and it helps to see things in a different perspective. 

Thank you once again, you sound like a wonderful person.  I wish I could chat to you in person.  Here is a big hug from me to you, thanks once again. 

I understand what you are saying about your mum as guilt always goes with the territory doesn't it?   But she chose too leave.  You obviously have to respect the fact she is your mother but you aren't able to take total responsibility for her or your father are you? 

But you can't let anyone drag you too far down as your prime responsibility is to yourself and your son.  No one else.   You help if you can of course and you have a great deal but can only go so far.   You can't sacrifice yourself for others - it doesn't work as you have found out.

I have to take the dog out for a walk now but will be back in later.  We can chat in pm if you would like to? 

bev xx  

When my parents were old and ill I did what I could and felt awful when we had to put my mother in a home as she didn't want to go.  We had no choice for her own safety but it doesn't stop the guilt does it?    

I sometimes blame my husband for being where I am right now.  I feel if he hadn't suggested we move I would not be having this problem in my life. 

I know our living conditions was bad but we managed for so long and a couple of years more would not make a difference.  I also promised my parents when we bought the house from my sister that they can live in the house until they are no longer around.  It seems as if we couldn't wait for them to "die" and moved in before then.  My parents are both over 66 and my husband said what if they live until they are over 80 yrs then we will only live in our house and enjoy our home when we are in our sixties (we are both 41 yrs) and too old to enjoy anything at that age. 

I will try my best to take your advice but I struggle with this problem on a daily basis.  I wake up everyday feeling guilty about living there.  I wish I could just sell the house and start fresh elsewhere but my husband refuses as he says we did so much renovations, alterations etc. and have purchased furniture to suit the house and now I just want to move.  He also says the cost of the selling and purchasing a new place would burn a hole in our pockets.  I really don't know how I am going to live there until the day I die.