Depressed husband says he's not in love with me anymore
Posted , 5 users are following.
Hi, this is my first time posting and i'm hoping for some advice if anyone has been through the same sort of thing. Apologies for the long post.
My husband of 13 years (together for 20 yrs) has been struggling with depression and self-harming all his life, but recently things have been a lot worse (past 12 months or so). Then yesterday he broke down and told me although he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and things just feel different. He even said that the reason for his depression worsening was because of the way he was no longer feeling about me and he didn't want to hurt me. He mentioned that little things i sometimes said now irritate him when they hadn't previously, and although he still thinks i;m attractive he has no urge to have sex with me. This ended in him self harming quite badly when he realised how shocked and upset I was to her this. We have been together since our teenage years and are each others best friend, and were always such a close and loving couple who never fought, always laughed and had fun.
I am absolutely heartbroken - that my best friend, my love, my world, felt this way and was hurting so much for so long. but also (selfishly) for me, that i could be losing the only person I have ever loved or wanted. I can't imagine a life without him - i don't want to.
I want to believe that the depression may have something to do with the way he is feeling about things as I can't bear the thought of life without him, but I just don't know how to process everything. He says things like I deserve someone better, who can give me all the things i want, but i only want him. nothing else matters to me. He also says that he loves me and always will, and he wants to work on our relationship and try to rekindle what we had.
He has always refused outside help in the past but after yesterday has perhaps realised how severe this depression is, so has been to his GP this afternoon and has a prescription to start tomorrow. He is also at his first psychiatry session today which we managed to get an urgent appointment for. I'm hoping that by getting this help he not only starts to feel better in himself, but that we can also get back what we once had. I'm so scared of getting my hopes up though.
I'm lucky to be quite an upbeat person usually but i don't know if i'll ever be happy again. I would never do anything stupid because I couldn't hurt my family this way, but I had a heart attack 10 years ago and can't help wishing that I just hadn't gone to the hospital back then, as it would have a different ending and there would be no pain right now.
I'm trying to be strong round him and not letting him see me cry (other than our heart to heart talk this morning) but it's so hard. I have told him I will always support him and be there for him and I truly mean that. I'm just so lost.
Any words of wisdom would really help right now.
1 like, 10 replies
noreen09894 laura31674
Posted
Hi Laura
gosh this is so sad to hear im so sorry but this is going to be brief bullet points
ask him what he wants
suggest you both take a break from one another he may realise that he cant live without you this is not you being selfish this is you giving him space
be there for him like a friend just say ok to what he is saying but say you care as a friend and what to help him through this and you cant see him do this to himself
the fact that he is taking medication and seeing someone for help is a big step
you will just have to be strong and change the way you are and the things you say thibk before you speak as he is in a difficult place at the moment even though you want to cry your heart out
He probably doesnt mean all these hurtful things hes just in a bad place please just give it tome and dont give up on him because of ur feelings because if you walked away from him now he may go totally down hill
give the medication time he maybe a didferent person in a few weeks
i really feel for you as i would be heartbroken too but this is just a rough patch that you are going through and you will get through this as you need to be the strong one these are just words and its condition that is making him feel this way
i really hope you guys sort things outxx
laura31674 noreen09894
Posted
Thank you so much for your words. I will never give up on him and will make sure he has all the support he needs, now and always.
The heartache is just so bad right now. I asked him this morning if he would like a break (but I will still be there for him as his best friend), and he broke down and said no he wanted to stay together through this.
I stayed strong and did not cry in front of him (although i am dying inside as I can't imagine a life without him) and told him we will get him through this illness and can then start to reconnect again. He has been more close with me today but i am still worried that it his guilt of not loving me in the way I want and need him to, rather than actually wanting to love me again (he has always been one of the most caring people, almost putting others first, so i worry that is what he is doing with me).
I will work on loving myself again so i can be a better person for him, and I will stay by his side to the end, however things turn out with his feelings.
I really appreciate you words, thank you again for listening to me and caring x
noreen09894 laura31674
Posted
The fact that he doesnt want a break says alot that he needs you in anyway possible as a wife or a friend
everyday will be different with him you need to remember he is not well and not to take everything to heart what he says he probably doesnt know what he wants himself at this moment in time
ur situation really upset me and i would hate for anyone to go through this i tried to put myself in ur place my world would crumble if my husband said those words to me but like i said he is not well give him some time medication some time and god willing when he is better he will realise that u are the only one that stood by his side and helped him through this just be as supportive as possible and your patience will get you your place back in his heart i really hope things work out for you both
viki49211 laura31674
Posted
hi laura, i wondered how you're both getting on now?
laura31674 viki49211
Posted
Hi, how are you? Well its been a dramatic and life changing 12 months and a bit of a long story! on new years day he was in the shower and asked me to pass him his phone - just as a message came though from another woman saying she was looking forward to getting him into a hotel bed again. i confronted him and with no way to dent it he confessed he'd been having an emotional affair for nearly a year. To say i was heartbroken would be an understatement - my world collapsed. i wont bore you with all the details bit i was in a very very dark place for a long time. my dad flew back from abroad to stay with me and help me process things. about 6 months ago i decided to stop moping and change my le for the better.
laura31674
Posted
i started going to the gym and lost over 7 stone, got myself back on the dating scene (albeit casually as i certainly wasnt ready for anything serious) and im now enjoying single life. ive come a long way since everything happened and somehow im happier than ive been in a long time! i managed to forgive him for what he'd done to me and decided that i still wanted him in my life as a friend - 21 years together isnt easy to give up completely! i will always love him, but over time my love has changed to purely platonic, and we have a very good friendship these days. It feels like a lifetime has passed by so im still shocked its only been 12 months! Hes still with the other woman and has moved in with her a couple of months ago but strangely im ok with it all as im in a very good place in my life.
How is your situation? i hope thongs have got better for you!! x
sam18386 laura31674
Posted
hi Laura, oh my goodness what an awful thing to hear! you poor woman. depression cuts through all areas of life and not just the depressed person but those around them. you need support as well as your partner! i hope he gets the support he needs but ask for support for you, you are suffering because of the affects of having him depressed and not quite knowing how to cope! bless you i hope you both get through this!
laura31674 sam18386
Posted
Hi Sam, thank
you so much for your kind words! ots been a tumultuous 12 months since this began but things have gotten better. Unfortunately the marriage did not survive (he'd been having a long term emotional affair) bit after the heartache and recovery period we have become good friends again. We have both moved in separate directions and are happier now but will always love each other - just not in the way we imagined all those years ago when we said 'i do'. I have managed to lift the depression i felt from this whole experience and have come iut the other side a stronger, happier person. My ex still struggles a little but is finally seeking the help he needs, and ive been supporting him as a friend whenever i can x
sam18386 laura31674
Posted
hi Laura, yo think someone had the gaul to say i had narcissism and no sympathy for anyone! what nonsense,it hurt me originally but now i have mostly stopped believing what was said! i remember my friend when she divorced her husband because he hit her, it was awful the last straw was between a microwave door and her face, he doesn't live there anymore as you can imagine! you can fall out of love with people and hopefully you will fall in love with some one new. i wish you luck!
joshuapryce1987 laura31674
Posted
A person cannot love someone to say a few breaths later they do not love you. The best answer he seems to give is he doesnt know if he loves you. Work on communication and intimacy.