Depressed since a child

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Long story short I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about getting a career, a job, a social life, anything. I care for others well being and life- I’m just over mine. I used to be extremely sad all the time and I even one asked to go to therapy because I noticed I could be depressed when I was 11, my parents refused and said it’s too much money and that it’s all in my head. But you know what? I’m done being sad now. I just wanna be gone, falling asleep and never waking up sounds wonderful to me, it’d end the waiting. I’m just waiting to die. I’m tired and exhausted from my short ride here but I’m ready to leave now, i know I’m never going to do anything with my life anyway. It seems my depression progressed because of how long it’s been left untreated (I’ll say age 9-19 so 10 years) or I might’ve just became self aware. I’m not trying to do anything with my life, I don’t want to, I feel no drive, no motivation. Even with living with an abusive father I still don’t care enough to get a job and buy myself a new place. I just wanna be gone 

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  • Posted

    Dear Anna,

    Please seek professional help ASAP .

    You can do it now. You don’t need permission.

    It sounds like you may need to be under a drs care.

    We know how you feel. We have been there.

    It sounds like you grew up in an abusive scenario. It may be taking its toll on you now. Well, actually it was when you were 11 yrs old.

    Please seek professional help now. They will know what to do for you to help you to feel better.

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  • Posted

    Anna..

    There is hope for you hun. Trust me, I've been there. I know you feel like nothing will change or get better but it will. Unfortunately it's not always easy to do and sometimes we need some help. If your parents do not support

    you, please go to a Dr by yourself or even a close friend.. Your parents do not need to know as you are over 18.

    You mentioned you have an abusive father.. do you feel able to talk more about this? I may be able to offer advice. My dad physically and mentally abused me since I was 2 years old. It continued into my 20's .. he was very possessive and controlling.. I used to have to phone him when I got to work and finished etc. He was mentally very I'll .. but I did not see that then. He died in 2007suddenly after collapsing at home. I administered CPR as I was training to be a nurse. I failed. His death destroyed me. I blamed myself and also knew there were things I wanted to say.. closure etc. I have had to come to terms with it in my own way. I am now realising after having my own child, how much the abuse affected me. You must protect yourself as it has really messed with my head. I turned from a successful nurse with my own home and money to an addict with no job or home.

    Basically what I am trying to say is you need to get out from the abusive relationship as it will not help your depression or low mood.

    I am here to chat if you need to. Thinking of u. Take care hun.

    Lisa x

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    • Posted

      Hi Lisa, you’re right my father was abusive. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience, I hope you’re doing better now because you sound really nice. What I’ve experienced wasn’t as bad but I don’t mind talking about it. Before my family lived here they lived in Poland, that’s where my sisters and brother were born. He choked and beat my sisters, hurt my mom, he cheated on my mother, he was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive to them too. When they moved here to the states they had me. The earliest memories I have are me hiding under the table because he was screaming at my mother over some stupid things. Always over very small problems that any other normal husband would never ever yell about at all. I remember him calling my mom plenty of cuss words and once he finished me as a 5 year old would go ever to her and hug her while she sobbed. I remember sitting in front of her while she tried to stab herself with scissors. My sisters told me in Poland she would try to inhale the gas from the stove, cut herself, punch herself, etc after fights with my dad. I remember once I was sitting on the couch in my onesie my parents were both in the room and once my mom left to get some pillows ( because I was forced to sleep in between them until the age maybe 9) my dad would turn around and shake his junk in front of me, he was only in his white underwear. A different time I was a bit older and me and my friend were walking to my house with both of our dads and she noticed how my dad grabbed my behind and she made fun of it but he did it often when no one would see. Sorry if I’m typing too much I’m  just sharing with you because you shared too. He once laid next to me in my bed while I fell asleep watching cartoons and when I woke up I left to use the bathroom and went to watch cartoons in the living room instead since he was sleeping in my room, few moments later I hear my door slam and he comes in stomping he looked so angry with me and said I’m just like my mother and went to his room, slamming the door. There’s a  lot of little things like that, he’d touch me randomly, he’d call us names, scream at us. Anyways like I said I don’t want to get a job anymore or work on myself because that would be saying I want to be here, I don’t. There’s no point in investing into myself. I’d be wasting the employers time. So because of that I have no money and I can’t get any help either, I’m just stuck. 
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  • Posted

    I’ll type a little update on today just to give you all a glimpse of what it’s like here, my mom is losing her memory because not of her age she’s only 56 but because of the stress and abuse she got from my dad. Today my dad got home from work, all grumpy, gives her s card with a number to call- she calls them and schedules an appointment with them to do taxes. After the phone call my dad tells her to write down the date and time because ‘she’ll forget’, she can’t find a pen fast enough so he starts screaming at her. Now I mentioned I don’t care about myself but It always hits a nerve when he treats her like this. Like a servant, a slave, like she’s incompetent. She’s the nicest person ever. She starts to cry and hes like ‘oh here we go again with you’re crying I’m not even yelling, you’re the one who’s yelling’... he says as he not yelled, but screamed at her. I yell at him to stop from my room and he says something in polish that would basically translate to ‘you’re gonna start now too? In a second I’ll give it to you, too!’ And I yell at him ‘do it, come and hit me’ he doesn’t. I never know when he’ll be angry enough to actually do it but he usually leaves my mom alone for a bit once I say something like that. He instead yells some cuss words and slams the door, then comes back to slam it harder. You know, to show his “strength”. It’s been like this since I was young, I’d stand up for my mom and his anger suddenly shifts onto me, when I was a kid he actually was gonna try to hit me but I ran away and locked myself in the bathroom. And he tried to break it open but it didn’t work. I wish I had let him beat me so I could’ve gotten police involved and freed my mother, I’ll  always regret not being able to free her from him while I had a chance.  Thanks for reading whoever you are, i am enjoying getting to vent here. 
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    • Posted

      Hi AnnaBananaa - so sorry to read what you are going through. He is indeed an abusive man. Do you think your mum will leave him? You can get help from shelters who will keep you both safe. Another point is that he sexually abused you as a child - you could report him for that. The basic thing about this is that he has always been abusive, full of rage, and nothing is going to change that - he certainly won't do it. The only option is for both you and your mum get away from him. Report him. Get the ball rolling. It is usual with bullies like him that when the authorities are looking, they will control themselves to a degree, try and play nice, try and blame you, or your mother, or anyone/thing for his behaviour. That is the space for you both to escape his clutches. He won't change anything. You have to. Best of luck whatever you decide.

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