Depressed Whole Life Feel Suffering

Posted , 6 users are following.

I have suffered from depression and awful feelings toward myself since I was I would say 8 years old. I am now in my 40's. I was hospitalized for depression & OCD as a teenager. I had a lot of bad incidents unreported just because my parents thought I needed to grow up a toughen up. I ran away from home when I was 18. I took a knife and started cutting myself in my 20's. I was stopped by family members growing up when I was a young man catching me putting a noose around my neck and tying it the ceiling. Family talked me out of it and like many attempts decided not to follow through. I several times tried in my life to overdose on Aspirin/ Tylenol and prescription drugs hoping I wouldn't wake up. My parents, family, friends always let it go and never reported it. I got limited help with counseling because with my income I could not afford it.

Now I been getting feeling awful again. My father is dying of Cancer. I am in debt. I made a really bad car purchase, purchased a used 2021 Jeep Cherokee and the car is a lemon and way more than I can afford ( I wouldn't wish this car on my worse enemy). I am calling bankruptcy attornies to figure out something since car purchase has made me broke I won't be able to make car payments. Car dealership says a deal is a deal sorry. Thing broke down 1 week after I bought it (40k with taxes& extended warranty), car has a failed transmission.

I am becoming verbally abusive to my wife and family and friends. Screaming at everyone all the time, blaming my wife for all my debts and problems. My anger is becoming irrational and sometimes I get angry for nothing and just act crazy. My wife had to call family a week ago to talk me out of suicide. I kept telling her I couldn't deal with the stress with all these problems it would be just easier to end it. I honestly am acting like a crazy maniac. Severe anger issues, explosive temper, suicidal talks, drinking alcohol, sleeping a lot. I feel like a piece of trash inside, I hate everything about myself. I feel like I am losing my mind. In some ways I kind of wish I could become schizophrenic and loose all sense of reality then I wouldn't have to deal with my problems. Live the rest of my life thinking I am Elvis Presley. If I could get Alzheimers or forget everything about my life then I would feel no more pain. I often tell my wife I feel very depressed that I am actually waking up to see another day. I tell her how great it would be to have a long sleep you never wake up from. Spend rest of my life sleeping and dreaming instead of living.

I try to stay strong and keep living.... sometimes I tell my wife... it's been a good life up to this point... I see just pain and misery in the years to come and those are years I prefer not to suffer through.

I see darkness and blackness from this point on. Father dead, chapter 7 bankruptcy, no home, possible homelessness, possible job loss, I am losing all my teeth and can't afford expensive medical bills, friends & family have disowned me, I will probably loose my wife too. I will have nothing left. (painful possible future memories I don't want live through).

I thought about maybe turning to illegal activites to somehow get money so I am not homeless, bankrupt or in debt... but then you got to jail. I thought about becoming a drug addict just so I can loose all sense of reality and not face life.

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  • Edited

    I am very sorry for everything you’re going through. It must be very difficult for you. first of all I wanted to share a number with you that you can call when you’re feeling so desperate. It’s 988.you shouldn’t have to go through this alone and you definitely need support right now!you’ve been through a lot and you do deserve support and guidance immediately.

    one thing I noticed is that you seem to be what is called forecasting. That’s when people who have anxiety or depression state what will happen in their future. They are forecasting however nobody can say for sure that those things will take place. such as bankruptcy, homelessness, etc.I would suggest that instead of projecting negativity in your future, you look for a ways to get help. There’s a lot of resources out there and they can really help you a lot!consider starting with getting some counseling for this. Counselors have so many resources for people who are struggling. many churches offer free counseling and they could also point you in the right direction and tell you where you could get some help such as financial, etc.

    this is not a dead end!

    and remember, we all go through struggles in life and every now and then make a bad decision. I am sorry about your father. I have lost both of my parents and unfortunately we all have to go through that. there are other things that happened in my life that should have made me want to give up. But I didn’t. I’m not living the great life I had before but I’m alive and I’m grateful for the smallest things.

    it’s not so much the things we go through as how we respond to them. How we take action to turn things around. and some things will surprise you for the better. A family member of mine had to declare bankruptcy and later on she told me that was the best decision she ever made because it gave her the chance to get back on her feet. now she’s doing well.so you never know how things can turn out.

    It’s the mental attitude that will make or break us!

    start taking baby steps one day at a time towards the positive, not the negative and the dark. Get some support ASAP.

    I wish you the best.

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  • Edited

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been suffering for so long, and no one seems to be listening to you. In this day and age, people think they know everything (despite being surrounded by people who actually do know how), and they also like to throw their opinions around without taking a minute to listen and understand.

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    I would recommend doing some research on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), as it has been proven to be very effective in the treatment of mental illness such as depression. I’m not saying that CBT can cure you, but I feel that it would at least enable you to know how the world perceives depression, which can be sometimes a difficult concept to grasp for those who have never personally experienced it. You can find free resources for CBT on the internet or books in bookstores.

    I’m not entirely sure if I’m getting through with this answer, but I wish you all the best in your search for ways to manage your illness.

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  • Edited

    hi novem, whilst i understand how long your post is, i think you can only cope with this with proper support. you need to lay out bit by bit what is your biggest concern. from what i see yours is money? correct me if this is wrong? i would be practically talking to whoever you speak to at your bank knows the problems you have. you can speak to debt companies because i think once you discover the money problems you have to deal with it might take some of the stress off your shoulders. the car company sound the biggest pain. i would ask for independent advice for this. your car company sound vile! i think see money problems as a priority, then you may be able to put other problems in to clearer perspective. good luck, not easy but doable!

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  • Posted

    Problems come to all, the successful and failures in this life all go through the same struggles. I struggled with self unbelief but i found resolve in spirituality. I also found resolve in believing in myself, keeping myself busy with optimistic things and also finding my purpose in this world. All the money in the world, literally, emotionally, physically and mentally and even physically cannot pay for personal value and mental security.

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