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Depression after surgery helping spouse

Posted , 5 users are following.

Yuki50
Yuki50

My husband had 2 back  to back total hip replacements. He lashes out at me . I’ve been the caregiver and working full time. He has lacked for nothing,, I cook ,clean, cut the grass, paint fix, go to the store for food, do the bills, I make sure he comes first. I’m very tired, but I know he will get better. But I’m tired and anything I do not good enough. Help is anyone else going though this?

2 likes, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • kelly55079
    kelly55079 Yuki50

    Posted

    Please know you are doing a great job at keeping things going.. I'm sure he feels helpless.   My spouse has anxiety and for one week he could not drive or do anything due to an injury.  I was at my wits end and broke down..  It's very difficult taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate it.

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 kelly55079

      Posted

      Thanks I needed to hear that. This is the second hip replacement in 10 months. His first was November last year, this June was the left hip. And I work full time sometimes 56 hrs. I’m trying not to burst into tears, but it’s hard. You want to scream at them for being so selfish, but you can’t it’s all about there recovery, screw the caregiver!
    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 kelly55079

      Posted

      Hi Kelly, that’s for the words of wisdom. I’ve been at this for 16 months, now I’m gonna take care of me. Yea I’m going into selfish mode, I’m going to start walking more, going to gym, and more going out with my girl friends. And maybe take up some kind of craft. It’s going to be about me.  I thought about it when I was down 4 times with surgery and he was never there once.  So I’m going to start this weekend. I’m going to start my walking, go get my hair done, and do for me. Thanks, I know I gave him excellent healthcare, I never had it, but all this proves I can do it all myself.  Survivor of a hip replacement caregiver!
  • play2day
    play2day Yuki50

    Posted

    Sorry you are being treated this way.  I had a total hip replacement 3 years ago.  My husband may disagree, but I don't believe I've treated him any differently.  If anything, I was nicer, more patient (since he had to do things that he wasn't accustomed to), and more appreciative.

    Your husband is probably lashing out because he hurts a little - perhaps feels a bit "useless", and maybe has a little "cabin fever".  It's also rather painful to go through a medical situation that reminds us of our mortality and our age and declining physical condition.  I think men tend to define themselves through what they do and how well they can provide for their family, especially during their working years.  I think it is particularly difficult for men to be rendered incapacitated.  If you can hold out and be patient a little longer, I'm sure he will start to feel better when he can do more for himself.

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 play2day

      Posted

      Thanks for your careful  analogy . You see it’s his second one first was last November. And it tougher then I thought be a total caregiver, working sometimes 56 hrs a week, the you have all the chores to do, and make sure there ok. Ya know just a hey thanks for all your doing, not once. But it’s all about there recovery, care givers get the raw end of this.
  • margarida57672
    margarida57672 Yuki50

    Posted

    What about telling him to stop being so unappreciative and moaning all the time. If he is in pain or uncomfortable he can express that. Lashing out at you is unacceptable.
  • emma42203
    emma42203 Yuki50

    Posted

    I know its easier said than done but you could tell him your taking a step back and hire someone else to do the personal care if he cant appreciate you doing it, it might shock him into changining his attitude a bit, i know hes in i pain and fasling useless/worthless but he shouldnt be taking it out on you, get in touch with the go and see what they say about referring you both to a cbt just to get through this rough patch, dont feel you have to do this on your own.
    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 emma42203

      Posted

      Emma thank you so much , I needed to hear that. I wish I could hire someone to come in and take over, but He’s an x alcoholic, with OCD, and it would be worse. I can’t do anything right. Even when the dog barks it’s my fault. It’s been 1 yr for the first hip replacement & 4 months for second one, I think I’m just getting used to all the abuse. I go to work to find peace. Sad but he doesn’t take my advice. You know I’ve had 4 surgery’s and never treated him this way.  And I never got help. He was always drunk. I guess I just have to toughen up.  And keep my distance. I’ve recommended talking to a therapist but that’s like talking to a wall. Just trying to keep it together. Thanks for your ear.

    • emma42203
      emma42203 Yuki50

      Posted

      Hi Yuki, if he wont see somebody about his rage, i would go and speak to a cbt for your own benefit as it sound like your stuck between a rock and a hard place, as you dont want to take the abuse that comes with helping him  yet you probably feel you couldnt abandon him for even a day to see what happens. Plus all the hours you are working on top of that is incredible, you are stronger than you think you are, please reach out to somebody local who can help you out. 

      Best wishes x

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 emma42203

      Posted

      Emma thanks for your advice, going to try and chill with my girl friends, today’s about me, I’m going out and have fun today.
    • Yuki50
      Yuki50

      Posted

      Hi Emma, just to fill you in I took some advice and went out with my friend. We had a great time. And I just thought hey I gotta do this more often. I also realize that he has to work on him. I gave advice to go see someone but that has fallen on deaf ears. I’m choosing to just do my thing, being working, or going to get my hair done. If he wants to be apart of it fine, if not that’s fine too. I’ve decided life is worth living. I’m going to be selfish hear and start going to the gym, and walking more. Just not going to sit around. I’m not one of those crafty girls but I think I’m going to get into it.  Thanks for your ears.
    • emma42203
      emma42203 Yuki50

      Posted

      Go you! Im so happy for you, and youre not being selfish, everyone needs “me time” and walking is great for the mind body and soul 

      all the best to you yuki50

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 emma42203

      Posted

      Emma thanks for listening, I’ll check in , in a few days. When I get off work tonight my first walk. And dinner can wait. It’s called a can of soup if he needs one! ha
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