Depression and anxiety of my mental health

Edited , 4 users are following.

hoping someone out there can actually help or advise me, I started sertraline back 11th november 2019, wrongly prescribed by one of the GPs when I said I was having trouble sleeping and nightmares etc, no low mood at this point, I had NO issues eith my mental health but trusted my Dr as I'm only 22 and have had no knowledge of antidepressants or mental health prior to this.

I had a severe bad mental reaction to the above medication after just 3 days which resulted in me becoming suicidal and felt disconnected etc etc, then being put straight onto mirtazapine 15mg, along with diazepam as a GP had diagnosed me with anxiety and completley dismissed the sertraline as the cause of the symptoms I was having after taking it, I was fine for 4 weeks then when came off the diazepam and just on the mirtazepine I became extremley anxious and started to become suicidal and having really dark thoughts and was not myself and just felt like a stranger in my own life, felt like my brain was shutting down mental health wise and everything else.

I was then immediately put onto citalopram 10mg, on 18th december 2019, along with quetiapine 25mg for "anxiety" and depression, I was doing well for a couple of weeks then went downhill again and became extremley depressed again, resulting in me being signed off work again.

my dosage was upped to 20mg, and quetiapine 50mg at night to slow my anxious and suicidal thoughts. I was then after about a week, fine for almost 4 weeks, which is when I went EXTREMLEY downhill again, became extremley suicidal, contemplated taking all my pills or moving out so my partner and 2 year old daughter dont have to deal with me anymore, as a constantly crying suicidal mess, not functioning, not sleeping,- not eating etc.

it got so bad that we ended up getting our local mental health team intensive service involved becuase I so badly wanted help to not feel that way anymore, as I have everything in life and absolute no reason to have depression or anxiety, i was signed off from work for another month (2.5 months in total so far), and had mental health team visiting me daily.

I saw a phsyciatrist and he upped my dosage of citalopram to 30mg, he said the reason I dipped straight back down was just down to my dosage not being high enough, I trusted this as seemed like a logical explanation and he has been a phsyciatrist for 37 years.

I was then told to take diazepam to calm down my distress over the suicidal thoughts, and help me cope until the new dosage kicked in which the phsyciatrist said to expect small improvements after a week.

I also started propranalol for the physical symptoms of anxiety, after starting the propranalol I was FINE, I was my complete normal self despite still having the mental anxiety, which I believed to be down to the dosage being upped and the propranalol, which I was taking 40mg 3x a day.

I again had 4 very good weeks where I finally thought I was better, I was mega excited to go back to work, I was happy again, I finally truly believed that it was all behind me, I expected to have a bad day here and there but I didnt care as I finally felt better.

then last Sunday I started to get the burning sensation in my chest again, almost exactly 5 weeks after my dosage was upped and 3 - 4 weeks after I had started to feel better, I didnt panic too much, as I thought that it may just be abit of a blip and tried my hardest to convince myself that this didnt mean I was going to become really unwell again.

so i went back to work tuesday as planned despite me feeling and noticing I was spiralling again, and tried my hardest to just get on with it, this didnt work and now I have came massively crashing down again, I have called MH team and GP who both said take 1 extra propranalol and diazepam twice a day for couple of days, which I've done this week and I'm no better and back to square one of being suicidal and basically non functioning again and scared, lost and alone, fearing I'm going to have to quit my job, feeling disconnected from the world around me, not myself again, trapped in my own head and frustrated, extremley upset, feeling like I've let down my employer and my partner and little girl as although I cant help it and am trying my hardest, they simply do not deserve to have to deal with my mental health declining like this every 4 weeks, it's like I get a glimpse of my life back then snatched back away and to say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I'm not eating, not sleeping and barley functioning again, and unable to concentrate which means I'll have to be signed off again and I'm actually contemplating having to quit my job that I loved so so much.

I guess what I'm asking is what the hell do I do now? do I stay with citalopram 30mg, do I change completley to another medication? I'm so lost and alone and my partner is getting frustrated aswell I just dont know what to do as I cant go on much longer with this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    hey sorry to hear how hard things are for you and your family x I have a 5 year old son and a baby on the way.

    so completely understand the need and hope of getting better and not feeling this pain anymore.

    it sounds like you have had a lot of med changes in a short time which will explain why you feel so physically terrible. what are your physical symptoms?

    my advise would be not to switch again yet otherwise you'll just keep going round in circles and as for seeing improvements in a week. that's rediculous. it's well known you will feel worse before better anxiety and depression wise.

    this is just my opinion and I'm not a gp obviously but if every med makes you crash after about 4 weeks then it's a case of trying your best to power through until about 6 weeks.

    or the other option is coming off entirely. this can cause withdrawal ls which suck but because you haven't been on them too long hopefully they wont be too bad.

    it's well known people feel worse before better so maybe you are a person who gets the symptoms a few weeks in rather than at the beginning.

    hopefully some others will come along and have advise for you too.

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    • Edited

      honestly a week after my dose increase I felt FINE, no longer suicidal, just normal me, I just dont understand, I have been on citalopram since 18th november and it appears I'm fone for 4 weeks then crash again?

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    • Posted

      the first 6 weeks the anxiety and depression always sucks the most, some people get better quicker but that's normally when they are on there first one.

      do you feel slightly better in the evenings at all?

      your first reply is being moderated and that normally happens if you mention a place or type of therapy to do with mental health so it's hard but gotta find a way around the moderated messages it's rather annoying x

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    • Posted

      ive always felt better in the evening most of the time, worth mentioning I had no mental health issues prior to taking the sertraline that was wrongly given, thing is it hasnt sucked, I've been fine for 5 weeks, then all of a sudden I've dipped, started to dissociate, started having all of my usual symptoms for no reason at all, mood plummeted suddenly to the point of being the s word feelings, crying, not being able to do anything etc, just a complete different person?

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    • Posted

      sorry I haven't replied lovely it hasn't been notifying me when I get a reply. how do you feel about going onto venalavaxine? that is the next go to after trying a few ssris with no sucess.

      what's your plan on swapping how do they want you to do it?

      have you considered coming off? as obviously you weren't poorly before starting the meds maybe you don't need them also.... maybe the doses are too high for you. sometimes people recover on lower doses than the theraputic dose. there is a wonderful lady on here called lois. you can find her in some of my older posts.

      she went through hell trying to get better and the doc swapped her loads of times and eventually she recovered on the lowest dose that was below what they normally say is theraputic. x

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  • Posted

    hi emily !!

    wow what a journey uve been on so far !

    im not a doctor BUT this happned to me !!

    i dont think you should be on any medication

    i stopped taking mines and i went through withdrawal and after that i was back to myself again ! the drugs were making me feel so so awful im so proud of myself for not killing myself as i was ill for 14 months !

    try and be med free and see how u feel ❤

    much love

    L ❤

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    • Edited

      thing is, where I've felt suicidal before I'm scared to not be on meds as I have a 2 year old and my partner and I want to go back to my job and be better and I'm scared if I come off and then end up having to go back on pills again I will have delayed any possible recovery 😭

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    • Posted

      that's the problem isn't it x not knowing what to do and thinking about everything makes it seem so much worse.

      maybe it's a case of your dose is just too high for you so maybe not come off completely but when you switch to ven stay on the lowest dose and see how you get on.

      doctors don't know much about these meds at all so maybe trying to see a psychiatrist is your best option as they know more.

      I feel the same as you and really dont know what to do any more so I do feel your predicament bless you x

      me personally would say try one more med first on a lower dose for longer than what they say and then go from there. try not to worry about work it's you and your kid that are most important. just so you know your daughter wont know any different honestly x my first breakdown when my son was 2 was bad and it didn't effect him in anyway x just keep reminding yourself that when you worry about it x

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