Depression and anxiety of my mental health

hoping someone out there can actually help or advise me, I started sertraline back 11th november 2019, wrongly prescribed by one of the GPs when I said I was having trouble sleeping and nightmares etc, no low mood at this point, I had NO issues eith my mental health but trusted my Dr as I'm only 22 and have had no knowledge of antidepressants or mental health prior to this.

I had a severe bad mental reaction to the above medication after just 3 days which resulted in me becoming suicidal and felt disconnected etc etc, then being put straight onto mirtazapine 15mg, along with diazepam as a GP had diagnosed me with anxiety and completley dismissed the sertraline as the cause of the symptoms I was having after taking it, I was fine for 4 weeks then when came off the diazepam and just on the mirtazepine I became extremley anxious and started to become suicidal and having really dark thoughts and was not myself and just felt like a stranger in my own life, felt like my brain was shutting down mental health wise and everything else.

I was then immediately put onto citalopram 10mg, on 18th december 2019, along with quetiapine 25mg for "anxiety" and depression, I was doing well for a couple of weeks then went downhill again and became extremley depressed again, resulting in me being signed off work again.

my dosage was upped to 20mg, and quetiapine 50mg at night to slow my anxious and suicidal thoughts. I was then after about a week, fine for almost 4 weeks, which is when I went EXTREMLEY downhill again, became extremley suicidal, contemplated taking all my pills or moving out so my partner and 2 year old daughter dont have to deal with me anymore, as a constantly crying suicidal mess, not functioning, not sleeping,- not eating etc.

it got so bad that we ended up getting our local mental health team intensive service involved becuase I so badly wanted help to not feel that way anymore, as I have everything in life and absolute no reason to have depression or anxiety, i was signed off from work for another month (2.5 months in total so far), and had mental health team visiting me daily.

I saw a phsyciatrist and he upped my dosage of citalopram to 30mg, he said the reason I dipped straight back down was just down to my dosage not being high enough, I trusted this as seemed like a logical explanation and he has been a phsyciatrist for 37 years.

I was then told to take diazepam to calm down my distress over the suicidal thoughts, and help me cope until the new dosage kicked in which the phsyciatrist said to expect small improvements after a week.

I also started propranalol for the physical symptoms of anxiety, after starting the propranalol I was FINE, I was my complete normal self despite still having the mental anxiety, which I believed to be down to the dosage being upped and the propranalol, which I was taking 40mg 3x a day.

I again had 4 very good weeks where I finally thought I was better, I was mega excited to go back to work, I was happy again, I finally truly believed that it was all behind me, I expected to have a bad day here and there but I didnt care as I finally felt better.

then last Sunday I started to get the burning sensation in my chest again, almost exactly 5 weeks after my dosage was upped and 3 - 4 weeks after I had started to feel better, I didnt panic too much, as I thought that it may just be abit of a blip and tried my hardest to convince myself that this didnt mean I was going to become really unwell again.

so i went back to work tuesday as planned despite me feeling and noticing I was spiralling again, and tried my hardest to just get on with it, this didnt work and now I have came massively crashing down again, I have called MH team and GP who both said take 1 extra propranalol and diazepam twice a day for couple of days, which I've done this week and I'm no better and back to square one of being suicidal and basically non functioning again and scared, lost and alone, fearing I'm going to have to quit my job, feeling disconnected from the world around me, not myself again, trapped in my own head and frustrated, extremley upset, feeling like I've let down my employer and my partner and little girl as although I cant help it and am trying my hardest, they simply do not deserve to have to deal with my mental health declining like this every 4 weeks, it's like I get a glimpse of my life back then snatched back away and to say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I'm not eating, not sleeping and barley functioning again, and unable to concentrate which means I'll have to be signed off again and I'm actually contemplating having to quit my job that I loved so so much.

I guess what I'm asking is what the hell do I do now? do I stay with citalopram 30mg, do I change completley to another medication? I'm so lost and alone and my partner is getting frustrated aswell I just dont know what to do as I cant go on much longer with this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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