Depression and love

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Hi, Id like to ask you for a piece of advice. I have had my own experience with mild depression during past years but managed withoout pills just with psychotherapy. But this time, severe depression hit my boyfriend. It started two months ago, a few months after we got to know each other. He seemed to fall in love with me at first but from the moment his symptoms started, everything changed. He didnt want to see me regularly and just a few days ago he broke up with me, stating that he had never loved me. It was three weeks after we met before, he didnt want to meet me at all, totally isolated him self from me. When I saw him and he told me that he wanted to end our relationship, he had practically no emotions, no facial expressions, he was like after lobotomy. It was dreadful not only because he wanted to break up but also to see him in such a terrible condition. And here is my question. What is your eperience in such situation? Could it be because of the illness or the pills? I cant believe everything what happened between us when he was ok was just one big lie and pretense. It hurts so much. And do you think after he gets better he can change his mind about it? I know its difficult to tell but maybe your experience can help me find some hope. sad Thanks a lot for your replies! 

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  • Posted

    First he has to want to get over his depression himself he may feel you arent the right person for him right now I recently had my heart broken and im trying  to deal with my own depression so I feel your hurt but if he believes it wasnt gonna work then thats his choice and sometimes we have to be hurt by people we believe in and trust yeah he could have done it a better way than isolating you from himself just remember not everybody is right for everyone else we get hurt to help us to guide us to make us into tje people we are meant to be so hold your head up dont feel depressed about him its always there loss 
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  • Posted

    Hi

    Sorry to hear your story, you are not alone left feeling bewildered what you have done or haven't done etc, it's all related to Depression.

    Check the Depression Fallout website where you will find many similar stories http://depressionfallout.org/symptomsofdepression.php

    J

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    • Posted

      Jackie,

      thank you so much. Now I am reading the book and it is exactly what I needed. I understood many things. It is terrifying how precisely the book describes what was happening between me and my bf... Although it is probably over, at least I learnt what I did wrong and that by far not everything was my fault...

      So thanks again!

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    • Posted

      Hi Hexogen

      So glad you found the site and the book, it's a really interesting book and I'm sure you will find many answers.  The site has been a life saver for me.  Depression affects entire families not just relationships.  I have seen many posts where the children are also affected and having to have counselling, it's so very sad.  You haven't done anything wrong these are his issues to sort.  My friend just rang to check how I'm doing I told her despite my husband saying he wants a relationship with our children he hasn't contacted our son since Christmas Day and our daughter since June, she said he sounds like someone in need of a lot of help!  He isn't getting any help as he's refusing help from anyone medical help included, nothing we can do until a crisis is reached!  I told my friend had our relationship not been a very good one I would have walked away and had it not been for a long list of people who know he's ill and his behaviour is odd they would have thought I was the one in denial and would have questioned my sanity!  Take care. J x

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  • Posted

    As someone who lives with severe depressioin and anxiety i can only give you my opinion and my opinion is that his lack of emotion is from the pills because i dont take anything mainly because ive not found anything that works and because ive come to an understanding off my depression so i no longer let it effect me as much as it did early on.

    Another option could be that your relatioinship was a lie because those that start suffering from depression start coming to a realization of whats real and not in their lifes so he may be depressed but he could also be telling you the truth of course he may of also said that to see what your reaction would be either way its not so simple to say what he means since none of us know whats going on in his mind only he does.

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  • Posted

    I used to feel quited comforted by this website but am now not so sure.  I have seen the comments "about our denial" of the relationship being over?  He's not in love, the relationship was a lie etc etc!  So what about someone like myself whose husband walked out after 34 years together because he was bullied at work?  The situation I am faced with has destroyed an entire family and totally screwed up our daughter who is 19 years old and had counselling since he left.  I did not push my family away when I had agoraphobia and anxiety, unlike my husband I wanted to get better.  His choice is to live alone but he is still not happy?  Why?  Because he hasn't sorted his issues.  Only you know your relationship, don't listen to negative comments, the idea of this website is to support one another not to shoot people down when they're at their lowest.  My advice is to give constructive advice be honest but show some tact.  Check out the Depression Fallout website it will give you some valuable support and also from the depressed suffers point of view.  I do agree you have to protect yourself and set clear boundaries for your own protection.
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    • Posted

      As i said to hex i can only give my opinion but it seems like your husband is the prideful type and thinks he can sort his own crap out when he cant until he comes to terms but since he was bullied id say he first needs a new job and you go tell him to get his arse home now if you need to slap some sense into him and tell him to stop being such a neandathal its 2014 not 1964.

      Again thats just my opinion but i still think he's been prideful and im guessing your husband was born in the 60s or 70s so he would of been brought up to sort his own problems out.

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    • Posted

      His job has gone, we're not sure if he has been sacked or left of his own accord and now we face possible reposession and bancruptcy which for an accountant is a little odd and just goes to show how bad his mind is.  Worst thing is he worked for a Mental Health Trust too!  I found 4 diairies going back to the late 70's his teenage years and each year there is some reference made to depression.  I've tried allsort, being honest, firm saying it how it is to no avail and now he is attempting to Divorce me in a state of what looks like clinical depression.  I was born in the 60's and managed to sort my own MH issues but I think he needs to first admit and start dealing with this so far he hasn't he is not on his own, there are literally millions of people in the same position no meds no therapy etc.  Altough we all love him and want to continue supporting him nothing any of us can do. 
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    • Posted

      So he his prideful then but it seems stubborn if he aint excepting that he has problems and wont see a doctor but then if your american i could understand not wanting to see a doctor since that would cost also but if your in the uk i dont see why he wouldnt see a doctor an as for millions im one i dont take anything for my depression i take stuff for my anxiety and ibs but anti depressants dont work for me but then thats because i know what the cause of my depression is an thats england itself so how can you take meds when your surrounded by the cause of your depression.
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    • Posted

      You are quite right he is very stubborn.  No we're in the UK and he worked in the NHS for a Mental Health Trust.  I think he thinks he will sort this on his own but so far he hasn't a he;s havng a major episode, talking about controlling food and the guy who bullied him coming out of a box he'd put him in.  I was on Seroxat for 24 years for anxiety fortunately I'm off all meds and managed to think positive and break the panic/nxiety cycle it wasn't easy but it takes wanting to get better to do it.
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  • Posted

    Thank you all for your comments. I agree that it can be that he simply fell off his love as some of you are suggesting and I totally respect his decision although it hurts. It is not the first time in my life when I am going through a break-up and I understand how fragile some relationships can be, especially at their beginning.

    But that was not my point. He suffers from a serious depression, he takes meds and it has had a huge impact on his behaviour. It developed rather quickly during one month (at least from my point of view). But despite not beeing together for a long time I think I know him a bit and can say what behaviour makes sence and what doesnt. I read about people who, beeing depressed, made decisions that ruined their relationships and that they regretted these decisions later on when they were ok. So I thought some people here might have some experience of that kind. Before his illness started, our relationship was growing, we had a lot of fun, we enriched ourselves tremendously and there was no sign of any major problem.

    I am not denying anything, trying to cope with what has happend but at the same time I am trying to understand the situation, maybe to avoid some mistakes in the future.

    But thanks also for the "not so optimistic comments" it gave me a different perspective that is always useful. smile

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    • Posted

      Ok i guess i should of asked how long has he bee on the meds and do you know what he's taking.

      Because the meds i took made me worse they also had varying effects such as making me cranky and very irritable which for my cat was a bad thing since id often push her away when all she wanted was to comfort me or lay down an sleep.

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    • Posted

      The symptoms he's displaying are in keeping with someone experiencing depression.  Losing interest in things you previously liked/loved is a very common signal that someone is suffering from moderate depression.

      Wanting to be alone, showing no emotion is another sign that he's not well.  He needs help and support, but probably won't admit it.  Whether you can offer him that help only you will know, since it'll be hard on you.  But you could be the difference between him recovering quickly and not.  Perhaps you could share your concern with one of his family members.  If he's been on his medication for a while and he's not improving, he needs to see his GP and review it.  Somebody will likely need to arrange an appointment for him, since he sounds like he isn't well enough to do so himself.

      I don't agree with some of the comments on here and the priority is to support him, either directly or by encouraging somebody else to do so.

      All the best, I hope it works out for you both.

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    • Posted

      Hes been on Cipralex for more than two months. And now, his depression is much worse than before. At the beginning he was full of emotions, empathic and passionate, despite his depression, now all this is gone. Sometimes he is just able to lie in the bed the whole day. I simply cant believe he could change his mind so quickly out of nothing. I feel sad for how unhappy he is and at the same time for not beeing able to understand what was behnd his decision. It is hard to describe. 
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    • Posted

      I've never been on that myself but as my doctor said most anti depressants will make your depression worse until it kicks in then it should reverse the problem but i was on each anti depressant for around 6 months to a year each with nothing getting better so i stopped taking them and although im still depressed i no longer let it get to me so he could be like he is due to the meds not working yet.
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    • Posted

      Thanks. He refuses my help and doesnt want to see me regularly anymore. But his family supports him a lot so at least I know he is in good hands. I still hope to somehow restore the relationship later when he gets better but I know its probably unrealistic. Even if he did love me before and his current view is influenced by his ilness, the bound is broken... 
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    • Posted

      Hey I'm just wondering what happened with this.

      I'm jn the same situation but my bf left me after 3 years. I went through it myself but it's hit him hard and he broke up with me 3 months ago. He's refusing to get help and is only opening up to me. But he tells me how he's having really bad weeks and I'm trying to support and be there as much as possible.

      I want him back to show it wasn't our relationship but the depression but he's too against listening to it. He keeps saying it's over for us. However in person he is amazing and loving and kind. He's really stressed with exams so I'm hoping it's just a major reason, but he keeps getting frustrated and taking out all the stress out on me.

      I want him to get better to realise and start fresh but im so scared.

      Do they ever realise? He seems to be forcing himself to get over this and move on than actually reasoning it out

      Please help

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    • Posted

      Chloe take a look at the Depression Fallout Forum website.  Sorry to say but there are literally millions of people in the same position.  Many people don't want to get help or treatment, not doing so causes havoc with close relationships. 

       

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