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Hello I am new here. I have suffered BPD since I was 13, my mental health has worsened over the years. My mum died from cancer, she was my step mum, raised me from a baby. My siblings after she died, well you could say the crap hit the fan.
They told me I killed their mother, my birth mother died having me, don't know I lived with myself, I was a monster and evil and should do the family a favour and die, preferably under the wheels of a car.
My physical health has worsened, suffer from IBS which is horrific and also have a urethral prolapse owing to years of no hrt after hysterectomy at 25. Should have surgery to remove it but won't, not after my g.p humiliated me. Constantly in and out of casualty with it.
Saw another g.p last year about my depression. Told I needed counselling, nothing happened. My last psychiatrist dumped me several years ago saying he couldn't help me any more.
i cut with razors, been a self harmed since 13 but now out of control, drink two or three glasses of wine a night. A cuddle in a glass is how I see it. Tried to cut it out for one night ended up rummaging in a bin for a half drunk bottle I knew was in there.
Last year found what I thought was a forum to find friends who knew what it was like. Turned out it was people who taught me instead how to die. Ended up buying the peaceful pill handbook and discovering how to obtain Nembutal to end my life.
A few months ago a woman on the forum killed herself online. I stayed up all night trying to help her. Didn't know who or where she was, made it clear she didn't want to be saved, killed herself with Nembutal as I was online with her.
Left the forum after finding out loads of people were watching our conversation for hours and none of them did anything, none of them tried to help. I told her I would not let her die alone and stayed to the end. Tried to convince her not to do it. Still feel guilt as she posted her details at the last moment and I didn't act on them as I just didn't know what I was supposed to do, I was in shock I guess.
sorry for long post.
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