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Depression and self harm

Posted , 6 users are following.

amelai1971
amelai1971

Hello I am new here. I have suffered BPD since I was 13, my mental health has worsened over the years. My mum died from cancer, she was my step mum, raised me from a baby. My siblings after she died, well you could say the crap hit the fan.

They told me I killed their mother, my birth mother died having me, don't know I lived with myself, I was a monster and evil and should do the family a favour and die, preferably under the wheels of a car.

My physical health has worsened, suffer from IBS which is horrific and also have a urethral prolapse owing to years of no hrt after hysterectomy at 25. Should have surgery to remove it but won't, not after my g.p humiliated me. Constantly in and out of casualty with it.

Saw another g.p last year about my depression. Told I needed counselling, nothing happened. My last psychiatrist dumped me several years ago saying he couldn't help me any more.

i cut with razors, been a self harmed since 13 but now out of control, drink two or three glasses of wine a night. A cuddle in a glass is how I see it. Tried to cut it out for one night ended up rummaging in a bin for a half drunk bottle I knew was in there.

Last year found what I thought was a forum to find friends who knew what it was like. Turned out it was people who taught me instead how to die. Ended up buying the peaceful pill handbook and  discovering how to obtain Nembutal to end my life.

A few months ago a woman on the forum killed herself online. I stayed up all night trying to help her. Didn't know who or where she was, made it clear she didn't want to be saved, killed herself with Nembutal as I was online with her.

Left the forum after finding out loads of people were watching our conversation for hours and none of them did anything, none of them tried to help. I told her I would not let her die alone and stayed to the end. Tried to convince her not to do it. Still feel guilt as she posted her details at the last moment and I didn't act on them as I just didn't know what I was supposed to do, I was in shock I guess.

sorry for long post.

1 like, 6 replies

6 Replies

  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 amelai1971

    Posted

    What a terrible story you have to tell.  I am so, so sorry for what you have been through, it sounds horrendous.  I cannot imagine how I would feel if I had been in your place on that forum, that is something that would stay with you forever.

    And to say you killed your mother, that is pure evil, I cannot imagine anything worse.

    Please let us help you...even if it is just to listen and empathise.

    Pat.xxxx

    • amelai1971
      amelai1971 patricia44773

      Posted

      Thank you Pat, I think with the forum what made it worse was when it was all over dozens of people went in and left messages and basically said well done. It was awful. She was in America the lady. They all turned on me as well because I tried to stop her.

      my brother made threats to kill me, I was also abused as a child by a male relative.Not even sure if it was abuse as it never went beyond stripping me down to my underwear and stroking my legs. Maybe I'm just being dumb and over sensitive.

      confronted him a few years ago, his dad said if I didn't admit I lied he wouldn't be responsible if I got hurt. I wouldn't back down but promised I wouldn't tell anyone. My doctor knows, she said I was being groomed. I didn't try to stop him though so I guess I was asking for it.

      Such a mess, tired of being treated as a freak by everyone. Even doctors and nurses at hospital when you go in for physical health problems see your self harm and dismiss you as attention seeking. With my prolapse my own g.p asked if I was sticking objects in my body because he didn't know what it was at the time. He completely humiliated me saying that. 

      My my family say I'm a freak who doesn't deserve to be alive. If it wasn't for me they would still have a mother. I stick around because I look after an elderly family member but the darkness is creeping closer and I know  I'm not going to keep it away for ever. It will consume me in the end.

      seem to spend all my evenings drinking and cutting and crying.

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 amelai1971

      Posted

      You say "I guess I was asking for it".......never in a million years Amelai.  You must stop blaming yourself for everything. 

      It's a common belief that self harming, cutting etc. is a form of attention seeking....but I totally disagree.  When I was many years younger I used to cut myself (I still have the white scars on my wrists etc.) and the last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself, I just wanted to feel the pain I thought I deserved.  Like you, I blamed myself for things that I now see were not my fault, and feeling the pain, seeing the blood was my punishment.  It made me feel better.

      I feel that this is what you are doing.  You desperately need to get rid of the guilt you are carrying around.  I cannot believe that your family are cruel enough to treat you as they do, it makes my heart ache.

      I wish I could help more, I feel so helpless.

      Keep talking, take all the help from the professional that you are offered and please, please stop blaming yourself.

      Take care,

      Pat xxx

  • jayne10080
    jayne10080 amelai1971

    Posted

    I am so sorry for all the misery that you have had to endure, and like Patricia said " we cannot even begin to imagine how we would feel if our lives had been that depraved.  You are a very strong person to have coped with all of what has been put upon you. You have proven that by posting on here. There are lots of people that self harm to help them cope you no doubt know this...Having worked with self harmers my opinion will probably go against the grain and cause upset to other forum members. The self harm along with the BPD the lack of support that you are not getting , its no big surprise that your MH is worsening...Try and look for some support from a proffesional not all of them are donkeys..and obviously this forum can listen to your concerns and many users have excellent solutions to all kinds of situations..Please take care especially with the self harm..jx
  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 amelai1971

    Posted

    Hello Amelai,  I was so saddened to read your story, your childhood does not sound a happy one. ( I also had a difficult childhood so have some understanding, thou mine Is In a different way to you. ) Firstly you are not to blame for your mothers death,how could It be your fault. You are also not to beleive It was your fault that your step mother died. You will not accept this I know because at the moment you don't love yourself. Your self worth Is rock bottom, no confidence, no love for yourself. I am horrified about your experience on the forum you talked about, people encouraging others to die, well done that you tried to help the lady in question. Do not take the blame for this. At the end she knew you were there trying to help her. You have carried alot of burden around with you for such a long time, no wonder you feel the way you do. Make an appointment to see your GP another one In the practice and tell them you need help. Counselling may help you to unburden this guilt you carry around, that's weighing you down. CBT may also be helpful. I sincerly hope that one day you can learn to love yourself, It will not be easy as you have to work through these issues. I hope you find this forum more helpful than the other one. Keep away from them type of forums. You could also ring the samaritians If you feel desperate. Cutting yourself Is a desperate measure and I hope you can get the help you need. Please speak to your GP to get the ball rolling on your way to recovery. As Pat says let us listen If you need to talk on here.

    Sending you a big hug.

    Elizabeth.

  • hypercat
    hypercat amelai1971

    Posted

    Hi Amelai I was horrified to read your story.  What an awful family you have and I wonder how you have managed to stay so strong for so long.

    Of course it wasn't your fault coz you didn't stop that man from abusing you - and it was abuse you know even if he was 'only stroking your legs'.  It is still abuse.  You were a child so how could you stop him?   He had probably done it for years and was an 'expert'.   This is not your fault.

    Neither is it your fault that your birth mother died having you - you didn't ask to be born.   It wasn't your fault either that your step mother died,  it was the cancers fault wasn't it?

    If I were you I would get as far away from this toxic 'family' as possible,  move away,  make a new start,  get your own life and leave them to theirs.   I am a big believer in karma and they will get what's coming to them in time.   Trust me.

    From your post you are a lovely caring person who deserves a lot better than the s..t you are getting.   Talk about kicking someone when they are down.  If you are not around your siblings will have to kick each other instead won't they?   Hopefully they will kick themselves to pieces... smile 

    Give yourself time to get your head together,  get some meds and/or counselling and then get on with the rest of your life.  You deserve to be happy and you will be one day.  Hold on to that love.   

    We are all here for you so stay with us and we will help and support you any way we can.  You are not alone.    Bev x

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