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sorry that this is so long.
i had a medical abortion in september. me and my boyfriend had only been together for 3 months.
i had always been completely against having children. i just didn't want any. then when i fell pregnant, everything changed, i wanted to keep the baby. maybe my maternal isntinct kicked in or something. but i genuinely cared for what was inside of me.
i'm not going to paint my boyfriend in a bad light here. he did kind of push me a little to have the abortion, he said it was for the best. he didn't want to have a child when he couldn't provide support, he is currently studying at uni as am i. eventually, i made the decision to hae an abortion. it all happened so fast, i found out and then a few days later i've made an appointment. i became completely numb to the situation and just went with it. i expressed to my boyfriend how i felt when i first found out. after that, i didn't even talk about it, neither of us did we just carried on as normal.
i took the first pill, my boyfriend came with me. he asked me how i was then he went off and got on with his day. i took the second pill the day after, he stayed with me during the physical process. he asked me how i felt. i didn't know, i said i felt relieved. i think at first i did. and we went on our ways as if it never happened. we literally just didn't speak of it at all.
so nearly 5 months have passed and i have gone through so many emotions. i have felt upset, i have felt guilty. i began to resent my boyfriend, i blamed him for putting pressure on me. i blamed him for not supporting me emotionally. i feel like he thought that once it was over, that was it. but it wasn't for me. i think about it everyday, i torture myself with it. i replay it all in my head; the day i found out, taking the pills, the pain i went through. i imagine the pain the foetus went through. it makes me feel so sick.
i have kinda stopped resenting him in some ways. he was scared. and i was responsible too, in no way did he force me to have the abortion. if i said i didn't want one, he wouldn't have forced me to. he would probably have broke up with me out of fear, but i know he wouldn't have forced me to have it. so i have accepted that i am part responsible for the decision.
but i can't deal with that. i am getting so angry and i literally hate myself. i get to angry at the awful decision i made and then i eventually cry. i have had thoughts of hurting myself when the anger and emotion becomes too much. i haven't as of yet.
i'm exhausted all the time. i feel like i can't talk to my boyfriend about it. i have brought it up a few times but i just feel guilty. i feel like i should be over it by now, he seems fine, why aren't i? i feel like a burden to him so i never bring it up. but at the same time, i get angry because i just wish that he would be there for me. i wish he'd listen, i wish he'd hold me. i wish he'd tell me how he feels/felt about it. but how can he listen to me if i don't say anything? i'm getting mad at him for something he has no idea about.
i'm honestly fed up and want this feeling to go away. i feel like i need to grive but i don't know how. i don't feel that i even have a right to grieve. i didn't lose anything, i voluntarily gave it up. i killed by baby. i'm a murderer. murderers do not deserve to grieve. every time i get close to feeling upset, i get angry at myself because i don't deserve to feel sadness. i'm a terrible person.
i honestly can't see a way past this. and i'm getting so mad at my boyfriend when he doesn't even have a clue what is going through my head. he's not a mind reader. but i can't find a way to bring it up. i cannot talk about it, but i need to. there's so much i want us to talk about. i want him to help me through it and be there for me. but he's over it now. i don't think it affected him at all. but at the same time, not once did i ever ask him how he was feeling.
i hate myself. i'm done here.
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