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First of all, I don't know exactly where to post this because it's both anxiety and depression related (probably).
I'm dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and probably also depression. Sometimes I wonder if it's only that. I'm a 20 year old male.
I haven't experienced a normal childhood unfortunately. I've been mentally abused at home for around 8 years. After that period I started to smoke weed to stay away from reality. I regret that I didn't seek for help at that point, but I can't go back.. My whole life is one big struggle. I've had no trust in myself at all almost my entire life.
3 years ago everything came to a climax and I developed a anxiety disorder.
Now 3 years later nothing hasn't really changed at all. I still deal with heavy anxiety all day and I can't function normally. I feel so messed up.. It isn't all anxiety that makes me feel so bad.. I feel sort of detached from the world and I feel like I've been through so much s**t that nothing can't get better. The thoughts which are going through me are making me feel crazy and f****d up. I feel so gloomy all day long and I can't experience any happiness, because this blanket of negativism is always around me. I feel worthless and hopeless. Every little thing I think about I always see the struggles first. It makes me tired. I can't take normal care of myself and I'm still living at my mums house. The relationship with the rest of the family is bad, because I have a very hard time getting outside. It feels like it's getting worse everyday. I am real thinker and I hate it. I think a lot about the future and see myself not functioning normally. Like I can't have a relationship with a woman, no job, no freedom etc. It makes me wonder a lot why I even exist. My confidence is literally zero. It feels like stuff can't get worse then this. I experienced so much different anxiety etc. The worst anxiety reason is losing control. I feel very vulnerable all the time. I'm super anxious that I do sometimes that I regret, because a 'decision' is easily made. One thing experience with this is irrational thoughts which increased this feeling till a point I almost want to lock myself up and never come out again. Because I lack of so much confidence I don't know how I can fix this.. I feel confused with my emotions as well. I really wish I could a cry and go on and forget everything and start over again..
For the last couple of years I've had multiple therapy, but none worked out. I'm now looking for a new location with more specialized help, but even that will be very hard, because again, getting outside is super hard. I've had moments things where a little easier (Still bad) to do, but now I'm at the bottom again. I think one big reason that the therapy didn't work out was that I was so overstimulated even getting over there.
Okay, medication. That's probably one of the main things people recommend, but it doesn't help me at all, it make things worse. It increases my feeling of feeling bad and my anxiety. One of my main anxiety 'reasons' is of fear of losing control. It's so bad that for example after take a small cup of light coffee I instantly am alert of I feel super bad of everything what's going on in my body and head. I know it's mentally, but I can't get it out of my head. Same thing with alcohol. That's why I never that that stuff. I hate it because I want to be 'normal'. I tried multiple natural calming product like lavender oil, Valerian herb etc. It all makes me feel worse. I've took fluoxetine on only 10mg dose and it makes me also feel worse.
The only thing that did help me calm a bit down is mediation, but it doesn't change my life. I am also only a beginner and sometimes it does work a little bit and sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes I wonder why I deserve this? I know it didn't came out of the blue, but still. I am only 20 years old, but my whole life has been a struggle. I want to see my friends again, have a free life, explore things, be comfortable with who I am.. People don't understand what I have and a lot of stuff I can't even explain myself what it is. People say that if they look at me they really don't see a unhealthy anxious guy. I am pretty good expert in hiding things..
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