Depression, anxiety + more

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Hi everyone,

First of all, I don't know exactly where to post this because it's both anxiety and depression related (probably).

I'm dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and probably also depression. Sometimes I wonder if it's only that. I'm a 20 year old male.

I haven't experienced a normal childhood unfortunately. I've been mentally abused at home for around 8 years. After that period I started to smoke weed to stay away from reality. I regret that I didn't seek for help at that point, but I can't go back.. My whole life is one big struggle. I've had no trust in myself at all almost my entire life.

3 years ago everything came to a climax and I developed a anxiety disorder.

Now 3 years later nothing hasn't really changed at all. I still deal with heavy anxiety all day and I can't function normally. I feel so messed up.. It isn't all anxiety that makes me feel so bad.. I feel sort of detached from the world and I feel like I've been through so much s**t that nothing can't get better. The thoughts which are going through me are making me feel crazy and f****d up. I feel so gloomy all day long and I can't experience any happiness, because this blanket of negativism is always around me. I feel worthless and hopeless. Every little thing I think about I always see the struggles first. It makes me tired. I can't take normal care of myself and I'm still living at my mums house. The relationship with the rest of the family is bad, because I have a very hard time getting outside. It feels like it's getting worse everyday. I am real thinker and I hate it. I think a lot about the future and see myself not functioning normally. Like I can't have a relationship with a woman, no job, no freedom etc. It makes me wonder a lot why I even exist. My confidence is literally zero. It feels like stuff can't get worse then this. I experienced so much different anxiety etc. The worst anxiety reason is losing control. I feel very vulnerable all the time. I'm super anxious that I do sometimes that I regret, because a 'decision' is easily made. One thing experience with this is irrational thoughts which increased this feeling till a point I almost want to lock myself up and never come out again. Because I lack of so much confidence I don't know how I can fix this.. I feel confused with my emotions as well. I really wish I could a cry and go on and forget everything and start over again..

For the last couple of years I've had multiple therapy, but none worked out. I'm now looking for a new location with more specialized help, but even that will be very hard, because again, getting outside is super hard. I've had moments things where a little easier (Still bad) to do, but now I'm at the bottom again. I think one big reason that the therapy didn't work out was that I was so overstimulated even getting over there.

Okay, medication. That's probably one of the main things people recommend, but it doesn't help me at all, it make things worse. It increases my feeling of feeling bad and my anxiety. One of my main anxiety 'reasons' is of fear of losing control. It's so bad that for example after take a small cup of light coffee I instantly am alert of I feel super bad of everything what's going on in my body and head. I know it's mentally, but I can't get it out of my head. Same thing with alcohol. That's why I never that that stuff. I hate it because I want to be 'normal'. I tried multiple natural calming product like lavender oil, Valerian herb etc. It all makes me feel worse. I've took fluoxetine on only 10mg dose and it makes me also feel worse.

The only thing that did help me calm a bit down is mediation, but it doesn't change my life. I am also only a beginner and sometimes it does work a little bit and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes I wonder why I deserve this? I know it didn't came out of the blue, but still. I am only 20 years old, but my whole life has been a struggle. I want to see my friends again, have a free life, explore things, be comfortable with who I am.. People don't understand what I have and a lot of stuff I can't even explain myself what it is. People say that if they look at me they really don't see a unhealthy anxious guy. I am pretty good expert in hiding things..

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    I understand you,when you say meds make you worse...I have the same problem..cant take any meds only xanax...to calm me down...you say meditation helped you...well you should keep doing it, for as long as possible every day...if you could find a therapist..to talk to..one to one...and mayby do CBT...and mindfullness...it will at least let you know what is going on in your body...I found CBT very good...but you need to get all your worries off your chest...and take it from there....I am exactly the same as you...so your not alone with this...x

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    • Posted

      I don't have anything that really calms me down easily. Meditation helps a bit yes, but it's not a game changer for me. I'm searching for a therapist atm and I found one, but the only problem is that I need to travel one hour to it with the bus. Traveling is a very difficult thing for me. I did a lot of CBT already, but I was so uncomfortable and stressed that I really don't have a lot of focus on it. I never tried mindfulness, but isn't it really similar to some meditation?

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  • Posted

    Hi Emotinium - I totally agree with Mariano. It takes effort and we have to challenge our fears. Meditating is a great tool to use and will get easier and more rewarding as you progress. Your childhood is something that needs to be dragged out into the light in a safe environment where you can vent and realise new ways of looking at things. I know it's extremely difficult for you to get out and about - perhaps there is some online site that can help? You're so young and it's sad that you think the future is bleak, but really, once we challenge what we fear it loses it's power over us. How is your diet, btw? What we consume has a huge effect on ourselves not just physically. Are you exercising at all while inside? All these things are part of our recovery.

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    • Posted

      I don't really know if my childhood affect my mental health today. I don't really have moments where I think back to it. It may still be in my unconsciousness. I know it was one of the reasons that my confidence was so low back in the day and probably still is. It's super hard to get outside.. I want structure in my life, but my anxiety really keeps me down. I had a moment I tried freelance work, but I stopped with it because I felt so bad. What you said, that once you challenged it it become lower, but it often makes it worse in my case or it will go a bit easier a small period of time, but end up exactly where I came from because of a anxiety attack. What kind of site do you mean? I eat healthy, but sometimes I eat or drink to little. I do some exercises, but not really a planned schedule.

      The problem I fear the most is that it isn't only anxiety anymore. Sometimes I just feel so bad that I feel myself sinking through the ground of misery. I often don't really know where it comes from... But I experience this a lot.

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  • Posted

    hi emotinium, you are young yet very young! you need to go out, see people, speak to people and think 'what do i really want out of life?' there must be something you really seek. are you at work? do you go to college? are you unemployed? could you volunteer somewhere, to give your life some worth? i am 46 and have depression through ill health mainly but also it's hard to shake at the moment because lots of my family are really ill, 1 terminally. i still get out of bed, still do all the jobs i need to do, i get out as often as i possibly can. i am fed up being ill and just grin bear it and like you take no antidepressants and refuse to! you have to take what you can from life and think i can do this. good luck, oh have you tried yoga by the way?

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    • Posted

      Yet very young but I already wasted so much time. I never really lived my life unfortunately. I'm so afraid that I'll have to be this way for ever.

      My anxiety is on a very high level that I almost don't leave my house. Even visiting a grocery store is a struggle especially alone. It has been a bit better for a small period of time, but I'm back to where I came from. So, I don't have a job, school and I almost never see my friends. It really sucks... I'm bored at home, but leaving my house is a hell. I almost never have a moment stress free. I often don't know what the reason of that is.

      I don't do yoga. I do exercise a bit at home, but not really with a really schedule.

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    • Posted

      being your age means you can reverse what you didn't do or think you didn't do. you can do so much more, can you volunteer anywhere near you? at least with that are not completely tied down to work, you do as little or much as you like!

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    • Posted

      You really think so? At the moment every little thing gives me stress.. I feel so beat down about everything and I can't handle much. I feel so overstimulated all the time mostly because I focus so much on everything what's going on in my mind and body. My mind plays so much tricks on which makes me feel so uncomfortable.. Sometimes I see something in my eye view and think I'm hallucinating.. You see, all this focus can make me feel so bad.. I just want to be normal you know.. That's why I worry sometimes that it isn't all anxiety. I hate to say this, but I think I'm a pretty intelligent person, but also very sensitive. Not a good combo if you ask me. Oh, and my derealization is also such a struggle. I probably look too much on screens.. A lot of times the whole day, because I don't have much else to do.

      My grandmother offered a cruise with my whole family and a normal person would think; Wow nice, awesome. The first thing what's come to my mind is; OMG lots of stress, can't handle it, I'm too anxious for this, I can't handle this, I can't even go normally to a hairdresser.. But I want to on the other hand, because traveling is one of my main dreams.. But my anxiety puts me so much down.. I feel so f****d up about everything.. Like why do I deserve this?

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    • Posted

      Hi I have to agree with Wayne. You can't go for 8 years being abused at home where you should feel safe without problems afterwards. This is the root of your mental health problems and you need to address your issues before you can move on. Burying them doesn't work as they always come back to bite you in the future, and believe me I speak from experience.

      The traditional way to do this is through therapy and there are many different types so keep looking for one which might be able to help you. Meds can help you to feel better in the short term so you are able to cope with bringing up painful emotions and feelings.

      Also try minfdulness as this can help you to live in the present rather than worry about the future so much. You can access online therapy which is conducted via text or emails, but you usually have to pay for this.

      Another option is to join a site called 7Cups of Tea which is free and you can speak to a volunteer counsellor but they are not trained. It's good to get your feelings out though and I ramble to them sometimes and feel better afterwards. Don't forget the samaritans as well and you can email them. Good luck. x

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