Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia...Conquered..NO MEDS!
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I could write a book about Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depression and Agoraphobia...I have experienced it all at different times and intensities over a quite a while. The symptoms can be terrifying and debilitating at times. at my worst I was housebound for around 4 yrs.
I took meds for 18 months (which was monumental for me personally..as I was also very anxious about the effects of any Drug). This is also why I suffered in constant pain with my teeth for yrs because I feared The Drugs used by Dentists and any possible side effects.
I started to avoid public places. If I could get myself to attend..I would be sat near to the easiest exit out of there. Ques were a nightmare. Traffic Jams I would avoid at all costs. It seemed that the further I tried to travel from home..the more anxious I would feel...as if I had an elastic band attached to me..the further I went the more tense I became..which would result in either a full blown panic attack or my turning around which would lower my tension and anxiety. The constant anxiety and worry about having a panic attack and the fear of dying during it..or even worse losing control and the embarrassment this would cause was overwhelming at times. The depression I can only describe as being aware of everything in life..going on around you but feeling you are actually dead inside..no emotions,,struggling to get through each day..bed was a welcome relief from the despair..to reason with yourself that if you passed whilst asleep..this would be a relief..but then to feel sadness for the effect this might have on your loved ones and kids...to wake after a couple of hours sleep...if you were lucky only to lye in bed dreading the repeat of all the anxiety and nothingness...no enjoyment...just the despair and emptiness that the next day brings....This is the short version.
I now live a reasonably good life, NO MEDS! I have improved as time has gone by...I no longer have anxiety..panic attacks, I have no issues with shops, crowds, traffic jams, etc...and my travelling is getting better with time. I still have bouts of sadness and depression...but I feel I am stronger in myself and deal with this easier...more importantly...I feel happy at times and Have some amazing people in my life...I feel for anybody who is going through these "EPISODES".
That is what they are. You are not weak. You are not sick. You can and will get better. If you allow yourself to.
YOU UNDERESTIMATE YOUR OWN STRENGTH.
I am here to give any advice and to share my coping strategies and perceptions towards these episodes.....no doubt everyone has developed some of their own........we are all students in life.
0 likes, 7 replies
sam18386 dave53404
Edited
hi dave, if you know what the secrets are without meds etc why not write a book? you could save people a fortune!
dave53404 sam18386
Posted
Hi Sam, if i was to write a book...it would be something along the lines of Tangled...I have seen it that many times with the kids...and it always makes me smile..and has a happy ending...I know what you mean about saving a fortune...there's a lot of stuff out there..at a cost...my advice is for free...As someone who has been there and understands...i may be able to help pass on what i have experienced...to anyone if asked....
Contakt2 dave53404
Posted
Hey Dave,
So great you're doing well.
I am recently diagnosed with panic disorder, depression and a touch of ocd. Also have agoraphobia perhaps, but it's coming from my panic disorder.
Everything you've said sounds familiar to me. Almost everything connects to the fact of me fearing to lose control or/and my mind. It's a dreadful experience and I still really ain't convinced that I can fully get out of my situation although some people say I can. It's just hard to see light if you're in the middle of your own problems. You can probably relate to that. The things which is hard for me and I don't read that often is that my negative feelings are basically constantly and they are in every corner. Watching a thriller movie or drinking a cup of tea is something I even avoid because of the fear of losing my mind. I often don't really know why. I've lost my confidence in who I am and I'm often afraid I'm a bad person or something. Scary thoughts are going through my mind and I feel disconnected. Last time I was outside my house (2 weeks ago) everything felt so overwhelming. I'm just so stuck. It's hard to make another move in my recovery, because I'm fighting this for so long and the hard work I put in exposure was for nothing.
Anyway, lots of what I wrote down is personal, but do you have tips for gaining your confidence back? Perhaps you can't relate, but I feel like I 'lost' myself, because I haven't been feeling good for a long time and all what's going on all day long is my anxiety. This fear of losing my mind is really ruling my life. Or do I already have lost my mind? I don't know, I just can't seem to relax. I wish I was less self centered and it's also is giving me stress. I really hate the fact that all I think about is myself.
dave53404 Contakt2
Posted
Hi Contakt2,...Sorry to hear of your 'current state and troubles'...Let me see if I can be of some help...I think you may of initially started suffering with depression..and all the horrible symptoms that can come with it...a lack of emotions, emptiness (even towards loved ones)...physical exaustion..aches pains..bewilderment..feelings of unreality ..as if your seeing life through a window..but are disconnected from it..a loss of self...eventually you start to feel overwhelmed being in this state of existence...you get more and more self analytical anxious...constatly trying to figure out what is wrong with you..you are constantly over analyzing every..single thought, feeling and sensation...you are basically in a constant battle mode...sensitized....(firing on all cylinders).
Because of this you are constantly trying to figure out why this is happening..your thoughts are focused..obsessively..constantly trying to figure it all out..you become self absorbed and pre occupied with it all...the feelings of emptiness and loss, 'of yourself' become overwhelming..frightening, bewildering..etc.
This makes you more anxious...You eventually start to feel and gradually accept "well, to believe"... that you cannot win this battle..that it is hopeless...you doubt your own self worth...you feel you are a failure..to yourself..and to your loved ones...this is where the guilt comes in...which then brings more despair and sadness...more depression...
Eventually you have zero confidence or self worth and then start to withdraw from life...you become a spectator or an observer...your also trying to understand all this and to figure out where the old you went to...and how you got to where you are..the sense of loss..of yourself becomes unbearable...and you begin to see the effect it has on your loved ones... and feel more guilt...
At times all this becomes so overwhelming that you occasionally overload...you will have a
"Panic Attack"...which can be one of the most frightening and debilitating experiences you could ever experience..it would seem to just come out of the blue..for no apparent reason...you constantly look for a reason why this is happening..searching..recalling when, where it happened..you start to relate various times 'and places'...as triggers..the shops, motorways, events, out walking, outside your home, your living room..your bedroom...it all becomes overwhelming....so you retreat from it all..avoid it all...it becomes easier to do this than to face it..for the fear it brings...the fear of a 'panic attack'.
Basically you have now developed "Agoraphobia"...(A fear of Fear).
You start to avoid..more and more..all the places and situations that you relate to bringing on these horrendous, horrible panic attacks..but the constant anxiety never leaves you..the fear grinds away at you...you are in an anxiety state..or a state of constant vigilance and alertness..on a permanent lookout for the next panic attack..to try to avoid it....(the cycle repeats). A FEAR OF FEAR.
Does this ring any bells...?..
Its now 5.50 am...I'll have a break and a coffee... please give any feedback you can if you relate to any of this..and I will give you advice and perspective and also some of my coping strategies and alternative reasoning on it all that helped me get to where I am today....in a good place.
Take care..
Contakt2 dave53404
Posted
It's almost exactly right. I do think I suffer from depression which is caused by my anxiety and perhaps just my personal crisis. Who am I and what I want in life etc. All the depressive symptoms are also increasing my anxiety. The feeling of being emotionally numb is something I feel all the time. I have the inability to cry and have real joy for example. I feel like those emotions are very far away and locked up, but I do feel like it's in me.. I feel like a sponge full of emotions, but I don't know what to with them. My grandma is diagnosed with cancer last week and I just don't know how to feel about it. It's like I feel nothing, only anxiety and stress. I'm ashamed by it. I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Am I a bad person? I start to avoid all things which may trigger this feeling. From drinking a cup of tea (caffeine) to watching a movie. I often also feel like I have to avoid contact with my own family. I'm ashamed of who I've become. I feel overwhelmed very quickly. My hobby music is heavily affected by this as well. I always loved to make electronic music, but I can't concentrate on all the busy sounds anymore. I feel guilt.. A bit. But also not. I've become very egocentric because of my current situation. I hate it. I don't want to feel this way. I hate myself for being that way. It's not that I not try to not be busy how others feels, but more like the only thing that matters is myself. What you said about being analytical is totally true for me. My mind is constantly scanning for problems. There is no room to breath. It's exhausting. I have to be constantly alert. I often wonder what is possible. Is there even a way to get better? I've tried lots of exposures, but eventually I did it all for nothing, because it only became worse. I often have this frozen sensation, or well, basically almost all the time. Like everything is going past me. Like I'm not really here. My panic attacks most of the time really come out of the blue. I feel them coming up weeks before the actual events. I do have waves where my anxiety increases. I feel more rushed and stress. This do can come out of nowhere without really a particular reason. The worst thing where I am afraid of is losing control and my mind. Also in a panic situation this most of the time for me to feel that way. I'm afraid of having psychoses and not being myself. Although I never had a psychosis. One of the reasons I became in this situation is caused by weed. At that time I did feel like I wasn't in control. Maybe it has something to do with it. I have developed fear of fear. I am afraid of feeling this way. Especially in situation where I can't get out. But again, I do feel constantly not well. Back to what I said in the beginning. About wondering who I actually am. You do have to keep in mind I'm 20 years old. This all started when I was 17 years old. Before that time my life was difficult as well and I experienced social anxiety a lot of times as well. I often feel like I have to hide myself from the world because I don't know who I am. I often have scary thoughts running through my mind. I don't want them to come true one day.
Maybe not all of what I wrote sounds familiar to you, but I do think I relate to a lot. Thank you btw for helping someone out. I hope to do the same one day if I feel somewhat better.
dave53404 Contakt2
Posted
hi Contakt2 (C) from now on...sorry about the delay in replying..had me hands full m8. i didn't realize you were so young. You need to draw a line under this and start believing in yourself again. Depression and anxiety can steal everything from you if you let it.
Depression I would say is the feeling of loss of ones self. An emptiness, sadness, loneliness and despair.
I would say that Anxiety is a feeling of constant agitation, worry, of being tense, hyper vigilant to the next fear provoking event or situation (in order to avoid it).
You are also constantly aware of all the emotions, thoughts and sensations when you are anxious..obsessively studying all these. Waiting for the next sign of threat or danger. All this analyzing is releasing a bit more Adrenalin and other hormones to keep you alert, aware and prepared to get you ready to fight or to escape from it. Whether it is real or perceived. During this state of readiness you are aware of your physical symptoms, such as you may feel shaky, sick in your stomach , your legs and arms may feel weak, your heart may be pounding, you may sweat more and possibly other sensations and feelings. You may be convinced that you may die, lose control or even worse embarrass yourself. This is 'all' actually just the normal effect of our 'good and vital friend' (Adrenalin). This is the effect it has on the body. As simple as that. The problem is..that people who are anxious start to fear the Adrenalin response. They are looking for outer triggers, events , situations or places that make them feel this way (constantly, obsessively). This can be exhausting. when they cannot find any reason outwardly they start to look within...and become even more focused on the way they are feeling..when they cannot find a reason they start to think that they are going insane and then start to reason about what this means. What if i have this? what if it is that?? etc... It is the 'WHAT IFS' with Anxiety that gives it power. They may be studying the internet and other sources looking for an explanation. When they feel they cannot find it...a feeling of hopelessness might set in and they may feel that they are on a downward spiral and start to feel more and more depressed. Then they might start to believe that this is how things are from now on...a feeling of defeat, loss, acceptance and despair may start to engulf them. Which may reinforce to them that they are ill and cannot do anything about it. WELL THIS IS WRONG!
Depression is the mind and body's way of dealing with emotional trauma of one sort or another. A defense mechanism to help us to deal with and recover. It takes away the pain of loss, regret or disappointment that we may feel. it puts us in a state of limbo, we may feel unreal, isolated, and empty. We are being removed from ourselves in order deal with it all. A defense mechanism. Over time we may feel we cannot find our way back to ourselves and we can see this loss of "WHO I WAS" as devastating and further despair over this.
Can you relate C?
I will be back on asap with further insight and info from my own experiences that may help to deal with and overcome it all.
Take care. Dave.
Contakt2 dave53404
Posted
Hey Dave,
Don't worry, take your time. I'm already glad you want to help me out a bit.
Yes, that believing in myself is pretty much gone. I'm even started to fear myself, because of my unpleasant feelings and thoughts. I'm afraid of exposing myself to the world and my fears, because I might be a bad person or something. Everything I do and say I analyze over and over again. It makes me insecure. Things that might trigger a lose of control or mind are things I avoid. Even something like drinking a cup of tea because the caffeine does affect my feelings and mind. I know it's placebo, because I never had any problems with such things whatsoever. But also just when I'm not busy with my fears I feel generally stressed out. It's the most exhausting thing ever. I've noticed I'm very egocentric. This makes me feel very bad about myself. When I hear bad news I don't know how to react. I feel frozen and emptiness. The only thing I feel is anxiety. My derealization does significantly boost all my problems. I'm afraid of losing control and my mind, but often I don't even know what would happen, but the feeling stays. This is very frustrating. I'm afraid of expressing my feelings.
I agree with your description about depression and anxiety. I do feel anxiety as well just in the moment itself without a particular event going on or coming up.
The rest of what you said is something I pretty much all relate to.