Depression at breaking point

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I've never posted on one of these before. I'm a 36 year old male and I feel my depression is at breaking point and I really don't think it's going to end well for me. The usual path of going to the gp didn't work for me last time as they just wanted to put me on anti depressants, which I could not handle the side effects. I'm currently on the list have some therapy with a group called trent pts, but the last time I went there it didn't really help. I need to get this sorted as I have soul custody of my daughter who's mother died a few years back and I owe it to her to make myself well. I can put on a brave face but deep down I feel dead inside. I have low self esteem, anxiety issues, depression, you name it. I know a lot of people but I don't feel I've really got anyone close I can talk to, nobody I can call a close trusting friend.

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Have you asked your doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist who may be better able to understand your situation and suggest something that may work for you. I wish you luck for you and your daughter. I hope you will both be happy and well. Take care and let us know how you are doing.
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  • Posted

    They don't seem to take it seriously, all they want to do is put me on pills which make my symptoms worse. When I go for my sessions at Trent pts hopefully they will recognise how bad it is. I think if it wasn't for my daughter I would end it all, but she's already lost one parent so I know how selfish that would be.

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  • Posted

    Hello Mark,

    Well done for hanging on in there so far. We know how impossibly hard it can be. Finding someone who can really hear how bad it feels for you right now seems really important. I hope that you find that person at trent pts. Is there anyone you know who you trust enough to talk to, even though you may not up to now have had that sort of friendship with them before? 

    Sue

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  • Posted

    Hi Mark

    I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a dark place. But glad that you're determined to stick around for your daughter. She needs her dad.

    Mental health services can be very hot and miss. It often seems like you have to be in crisis or suicidal before anyone takes it seriously.

    Please go back to your GP and tell them exactly what you have said here. Maybe you could try a different medication? There are many different types of antidepressants and people often have to try a few before they find one that suits them. Also remember that side effects often only last for a couple of weeks or so while your body adjusts to them.

    There is help out there but sometimes you need to be persistent to access it, not always easy when you feel so low.

    Wishing you well...

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  • Posted

    Hello Mark. I know you can't sit in front of us and visit in person or call us up on the phone but you can write to us 24/7 and we will be here for you! You are not alone. We do care and we understand depression and the twist and turns of the mind with it. You can call the Samaritans. 

    Mark when I first tried antidepressants I tried several. At that time they had several what then were considered "new" ssris. The first 2 or 3 did not work but I persevered and found the right one for me. And boom it worked and my 'smile' came back.. I could sleep again and I felt like a real human being for the first time. 

    Therapy worked for me as well but I had to be patient because it takes time and I wanted to see what was underneath that was causing my depression and anxiety and other symptoms. It worked for me slowly. I hope you will work toward finding help for yourself. Please keep writing us because we care. Diane

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  • Posted

    Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately there isn't anyone to talk to. There are my parents and brother who have a "there's worse off people" attitude. I have to bury my feelings deep down for my daughter but soon something bad will happen. In fact something did Saturday. I was out with a group of people who I'm semi close to but not that close. One of them got attacked by a group of people and I waided in on his defence. Not because I really cared to that extent, but all my anger, hurt and sadness came rushing out. I ended up getting beat up bad but a part of me wanted that. I lashed out and took a whooping for it and the strange thing is it's not bothered me. I know it sounds silly but I think everything just came out when I was intoxicated. A part of me wanted to feel validated by this group and a part of me just thought who cares if I get killed. But now I am suffering the consequences, not because of the severe physical pain, I don't care about that but because it's shown how alone I am.

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    • Posted

      Mark I all my life..when things have gotten bad..the one thing that has kept me putting one foot in front of the other..will be my children. I cannot let down the people that I brought into this world and I love them more than myself for sure and more than anything in my life. 

      Fight for yourself! Depression..our disease says we don't deserve it..but that's not true. How old are you? Can you not go to the hospital and tell them what you are telling us? If not for yourself then do it for your daughter. Keep us posted. Diane. 

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  • Posted

    I'm 36. I can't go to the hospital as I haven't told anyone. I know I can't tell my parents as they wouldn't understand and I don't want my daughter to know. So that includes going to work as normal and trying to sort it around my life and work. But that's what makes it harder because it then comes across that it's not that bad but inside I'm dying. I've got to out my faith in Trent pts but I don't go there until end of Feb and cognitive behaviour therapy did not work the last time. Only time I feel slightly happy is when it's bed time. I've read so many therapy books and psychology books I think I could be a therapist. They feel good at the time but putting them into practice is a lot harder.

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  • Posted

    Can you hang on to the end of February, Mark? If so, then you may be OK to keep up the brave exterior. But you sound quite worried that things might go wrong. How old is your daughter? Is there a way you can tell her that you aren't well in a way that doesn't feel scary to her? If things go wrong in an uncontrolled way as you suggest they might, that might be worse?  Can you get time off work to go to the hospital (or back to your GP) as Diane suggested? We believe you when you say how bad it is - but I do understand how hard it can be to show that side when you are so good at doing capable adult despite how you feel. 

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  • Posted

    Mark - there are many forms of antidepressants - one that may have side effects for one person may not have those effects for another. The answer is not available in a few visits. You are ill. After being beaten up, did you require medical attention? No? If you had broken a leg or arm, or jaw or other in that fight, would you have sought medical attention? Of course you would - I broke my leg - that thing there, see it? It needs treatment. Same with your mental body. Ignoring it, allowing others to demean a mental health disorder as "someone's worse off" is dismissive, arrogant and damaging. see the doc. Give mends a chance. Seek a referral to to a psychologist/counsellor or therapist. there may be over lying issues re: your wife's death. Remember you are not just doing this for you - it's for your daughter too. You can look after here if you don't look after yourself - and, no, you can't "make myself well" when you are depressed.

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  • Posted

    Trial and error just isn't really an option with anti depressants. I have a mortgage and a job that would not be safe to do if I was under the influence of the side effects of the polls. I also cannot afford to have time off, let alone keep paying for the prescriptions before I find the correct treatment. I want to find a permanent solution to this that is why I am going to go back to Trent pts. All I know is CBT doesn't work with me so they are going to have to try some different type of therapy. I just hate myself so much and I go to bed every night wanting to fall asleep and not wake up. I don't enjoy anything and this is the worst time of year for me. The only time I feel happier is when I'm going to sleep.

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