Depression & Avoidant Personality

Hello

After trying to manage this for the past 2 years on my own I am finally reaching out to people in similar situations for some guidance. I’ll keep it as short as I possibly can.

I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years, together for 10 years and no children.

I had a lot of love for my husband and I’ve always desired him. I’ve always said I wanted to be with someone because I wanted them and not needed them and that’s what I had with him. I’m not reliant on him financially.

Over the last 2-3 years things have taken a dramatic nose dive. I’ve lost count of the amount of times that I’ve cried to him because he doesn’t touch me or isn’t showing me any kind of intimacy. If I kiss him he reciprocates but he doesn’t want anything else. Once, whilst we we’re leading up to sex, he stopped us from having intercourse as he just wanted foreplay. I don’t understand this and before you ask no he isn’t having erection problems. He says he’s still attracted to me and loves me so I’m confused. Of course he’s entitled to say no but that was 2 years ago and there’s been no attempt since.

During lockdown hubby received the news he was infertile. It hit him hard although he has said he never wanted children (I have messages to prove he did so a little contradiction). He wouldn’t talk to me about it and not once asked me how I felt about it. A little history his doctor told him when he was a teenager that he may struggle after an operation so he was aware it may have been a problem.

I advised that we have other options but instead of putting any pressure on him I sent him links to adoption and sperm donor and asked him to come to me when he’s ready to talk about it. Six months passes and still no discussion about anything so I raise it. During a heated discussion he let slip that he didn’t see why he had to discuss it with me when he’s already made up his mind. I pointed out that his decision effects my life so that’s the reason he needed to discuss it with me. He understood but for me that was a big reg flag. I’m in my early 40s so my biological clock was ticking and although not having kids was an option I didn’t want to regret not having them and realising we left it too late. We needed to have that discussion but he wouldn’t.

He’s been more withdrawn and depressed and continues to want to increase his medication. He was on 50mg Sertraline but has recently had it increased to 100mg but he still thinks this isn’t enough. I must state that he’s spoken of wanting to overdose before so I have locked all the tablets away and asked his doctor to only prescribe him 1 months supply at a time.

Now I come from a background of childhood emotional neglect but I don’t let it define me. I’ve had my counselling and I’m not needy as that’s something I said I would never be. I’m independent, successful on my own before I even met him. For me that hasn’t changed but his depression is breaking me and we’re at the point of divorce. I don’t want this but I don’t feel like I have a choice any more as this isn’t a partnership.

I must add that we’ve had couples therapy and he has been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I’ve done some research but I’m still a little confused as to how this links with depression.

I’ve been depressed before and I suffer with anxiety on and off after having a breakdown. Now when I was depressed I found it hard to leave my bed. I lost interest in everything and everyone. I didn’t see my family for 10years. They just got used to me disappearing for years without a word. We get on but we’re not close where I share my business with them. I’m quite a private person. I must add that I see them all regularly now.

My husband is behaving completely different. He has started to go out and socialising more. He strolled in 6.30am this morning and he’s yet to leave his bedroom (probably hungover). He didn’t even have the decency to text me to tell me he was ok. For a work do, bowling, I find it really strange for him to be rolling in at that hour.

Is that really how a depressed person behaves? He’s not much of a drinker so he’s not drowning his sorrows.

Over the last three nights he’s played snooker, gone for a meal, and gone bowling. I’ve not said anything and I’ve never stopped him meeting his friends as I like my own space as well but this is odd for someone who is depressed.

He’s also started the gym and goes twice a day and is on a 20/4 fasting diet as he’s got a Stag Do in Las Vegas in a few weeks.

According to the therapist anything I say that implies to him that he’s not meeting my needs he will run a mile. I need the basics in a relationship, physical/ emotional intimacy and support as and when I need it which isn’t often. I’m now forcing myself to stop going to him when I’m craving intimacy. I know that it’s a vicious cycle where everything will be great for a while until I need his support and the relationship crumbles. If I don’t need him for anything (support/ intimacy) then the relationship works but I’ve just found out my mum has a brain tumour so I really need to lean on him now but he’s never present. I’m also having scans for myself to rule out cancer. Instead of being there for me he disappears to the gym or his friends. I feel like I’m living with an emotionally immature boy.

A few weeks ago our therapist told me to rest for the weekend (because of pain and the scans I’m waiting for) and she told hubby to do everything. He went out all day on Saturday and stayed in the bedroom most of Sunday. I was emotional several times that weekend as it shows how little he cares for me. He sat in the same room and ignored the fact that I was crying.

So my childhood emotional neglect is now also my adult emotional neglect.

At one time I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He denied it and I believe him as we are both against affairs. He’s been cheated on before and that’s where his depression first started.

I’m at the stage where if we don’t divorce I’m going to hate him and blame him for the breakdown of the marriage but I won’t tell him how I’m feeling as it may worsen his depression. I know I can’t just blame him but I’m met with a brick wall every time we talk about the relationship. It doesn’t matter if we talk calmly or in an argument he sees everything as an attack when it’s not an attack but that’s how Avoidants behave.

Oh I forgot to mention that he brought another house without telling me. Now I didn’t have an issue with him doing this as we we’re potentially parting ways but I was more upset that he dropped the news the weekend I found out my mum had a brain tumour. He thinks I over-reacted by being angry about his timing.

At one point last year I got depressed to the point I brought some rope and learnt how to make a noose BUT I booked a therapy session as it scared the life out of me when the rope was delivered.

Is this depression or purely just him being an Avoidant? Should I run a mile? I’m mentally exhausted

I’m not great at talking about myself because I’m private so I apologise if this doesn’t flow well.

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