Depression, Depression Fall Out, Loss of Love

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I am in need of some help.  I have read many books and have spoken to my therapist about what is going on but seem to find no clear and sticking resolution to the problem. Perhaps hearing advice from those facing a similar problem will be helpful.

My fiance is depressed.  It is my belief that he has battled depression his entire life but has been in denial of it until recently.  We have been on and off again for 3 years.  While we are together, we experience about a month of good times and then many months of struggle where he seems to get "lost."  This has, of course, triggered my own feelings of abandonment and loss.  I  have been working intensely with my therapist to overcome these feelings for myself.  While we are apart it seems to me that he begins to think more clearly and is able to return to our love.  We have done this cycle twice.  Each time we get closer, he does something to pull us apart and I react in a way that he hates and finds overwhelming. This time I am determined to use all that I have learned in therapy and have been applying it to our relationship and our relationship has been significantly better.  

We got engaged in early May and were set to be married in August.  One week after getting engaged my SO went on a business trip to the Philippines.  He looked up brothels and went to one.  When I confronted him about this he said he did not tell me because he was ashamed but that he did not do anything.  That he proposed and needed to "draw a line" and needed to be certain he can "walk away."  When he got there he realized he wasn't interested and left.  His remorse and clarity from this, as well as his connection and vulnerability with me during this time made me feel certain that it was less about me and more about him.  We got over it. ( I should mention that he was previously married and has had a history of infidelity.)

One month after that he went on another business trip.  Of course my anxiety was heightened and he reassured me that everything will be ok.  Needless to say, it wasn't.  Supposedly a man in the conference he attended almost died and had to be rushed to the hospital.  This triggered his fear of death and he began to drink heavily.  I then called his hotel room at 3am just to have a woman answer.  The next day he told me they had just gotten there and nothing happened she left right away.  He was beside himself.  He was saying things along the line of "just give me a gun", "just get away from me, I'm no good for you," "it's over, how can I ever look at you again knowing what I've done to you."

He came home and we talked about it and again his remorse and vulnerability helped me feel connected to him and my therapist helped me understand that I was not to blame.  As we worked it out he came to me, hugged me, and said "Thank you for being so good to me.  I will be good to you."  Many good things came of it, he stopped drinking and has begun to see his own therapist.

We were good for a few days then he began to withdraw.  Again, anxiety heightened.  I fought for him to open up to me but he couldn't.  He continued to tell me that it is not my fault but that he no longer feels the certainty of our relationship.  As this is the case, he has called off our wedding (to happen today) and has completely withdrawn from me.  He has told me he feels depressed and is unable to return to me.  He also told me that the more I talk about it, "it doesn't help" and "pushes" him away more.  Yet, I am a person with feelings too and I am deeply hurt by all that has gone on.  More so, the lack of connection has begun to intensify the feelings from the two previous events.  As if I am feeling them over again and cannot find a reason to work through them.  

I can assume that when I put these things out there and I show how hurt I am he has many feelings including inadequacy and pain that he has hurt me.  I can also assume that his depression, not me, is to blame for the initial withdrawal and that perhaps therapy and alcohol withdrawal have caused many feelings he has suppressed over the years to come up.  It's all rational in my head and all makes sense until it's not and my feelings take over.  I am trying to stop myself from becoming too hurt and facing a depression fallout.  

I love him with all my heart but as I sit here and write this I just wonder what will become of us.  Am I strong enough to deal with this?  Will it ever get better?  How many more times does he have to go through these depressive episodes?  How much time is enough?  

Many, many thoughts .......

I would greatly appreciate your experiences.

 

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  • Posted

    I should note, I do still see some positives.  We still manage to have dinner together, he kisses me good bye before leaving for work, hold me at night.  I can see many, but sometimes the pain of the loss is greater.
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    • Posted

      Another thing I have considered is that depression is an illness. Would I leave him if he had another illness? Could I possibly, at my age, afford to give him 3 months (boundary) to work through this depression? Would working through it make our bond stronger?

      I think he expects me to leave. He finds himself unlovable and disgusting. How can I find him any other way? Although, I don't see these things. I see someone who is going through something.

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  • Posted

    Leave him. This relationship has put yourself in therapy? Depression or not infidelity is just that. Cheating. You don't deserve this, you mat feel without all the drama you have nothing but you have the drive to move on and find happiness elsewhere if you want to. Don't think about the time that's passed think about now for yourself, many regards Nick.
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    • Posted

      Nick,

      Thank you very much for your reply. Leaving is something I must seriously consider.

      I just wanted to be clear that I was in therapy before I met him. Not that I have many problems, I just needed to learn how to deal with things that have happened in my past and be there more for myself than others.

      Oddly enough, I don't miss the drama whatsoever. In fact, during times of separation I am happy to work on myself.

      I suppose, it has become clear to me through your post that I must continue to work on and be there for myself.

      In regards to the infidelity, my therapist explained to me that sometimes people with a fear of death become hyper sexual when faced with the idea of mortality. She explained that the episode that happened was probably more about that than me and he agreed (he sat in on the session). There is no doubt in my mind that he does feel terrible and beats himself up for what happened.

      Thank you for your reply. It is good to reminded, when I doubt, that I don't deserve it.

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    • Posted

      Depression is an illness yes, I have it but I don't use it as a way to control people. I could get into the ins and outs of things but like you said up there you're a clever woman, you could dive into the ins and outs academia wise but where your feelings come into play I'll ask you this to ask yourself, is this one person worth feeling all that pain for. Ok gotta cook, you take care.
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  • Posted

    I think sadly you can never be happy with this guy, and you should end things with him. Not because hes necessarily a bad person, but he is much too emotionally unstable - and theres the fidelity issue. Those two together are just too much. Find someone nice and calm.
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  • Posted

    I'm no professional but this screams Bipolar.  Check out the Depression Fallout Forum Message Board.
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    • Posted

      Thank you Jackie. I have just ordered some books on Bipolar Disorder! I have thought about it but must say maybe not enough. I am hopeful his therapist will give a diagnosis so he may be able to accept. Although, I feel this is long off in the future as he often has trouble opening up to others.
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    • Posted

      Actually, now I remember that he complained a former partner had bipolar disorder & she never told him. If this is true or not I wouldn't know. I wonder if it was his projection. I have mentioned Bipolar disorder to him before & he didn't really respond other than to be adamant that there was nothing to be done about it anyway.
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    • Posted

      It does sound like it could be projection.  The MH crisis team say they don't like labeling people with disorders they treat the symptoms.  Sounds very familiar they do say things like they have tried everything and nothing will work it's all part of a negative mind set.
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  • Posted

    greeting from kuwait, I don't want to be mean and rude, but no matter if you get single or you will not find the right guy or the the right girl to live with, just live happy you know that there are so many people are having cancer and they are young or there so sick people who wish to be cured and live normally like us, so if you don't feel happy with your fiance then don't remember the good momnets about your relationship and just remember that we all are going to die in someday so just be happy and don't complain, i don't want to be mean, but my only advice is for you is just to be strong  and you have to think about your relationship write the positive things and negative things about your relationship and if you thing that the negativeness are higher then broke up, as i said life is short and time moves fast, i have read so many subjects in this forum and i really i appreciate the sharing thing but i wish that you all be happy, if you think that you are ugly,, you are not ugly because media and movies made you think that only slim and fit people are only the good looking, so stop thinking about negative thoughts and be happy. Kuwait is a boring country to live in, we have a very high tempretaure nowdays which makes feel nervous and depressed. am sorry for the typing mistakes smile
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    • Posted

      You seem to have a good philosophy about life. Of course, sometimes depression and anxiety are caused by chemical imbalances in our bodies, and not terribly easy to just 'think them away'.  

      I know that doing alot of excercise - or even just a bit every day would help me alot, but I find it really hard to get the motivation to do so. I do get depressed alot, and when one thing gets better, something else happens to make me anxious or depressed.

      I certainly wish it was hotter here - am in the North UK - used to live in Singapore and Malaysia. I hate the weather here - I think I look alot better with a sun tan, and its good for my skin - I dont over do it - I know the health risks. But I also know too much heat can be debilitating - was horrible with the humidity when I was working in Singapore. Swimming and sunbathing - fine - working and wearing smart clothes - really tough!

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    • Posted

      thank you for your reply, I have been to UK alot but I have never been to north UK. I love european weather and I haven't been to Asia because most of the countries have hot and humidity weather which I don't like smile but I will visit them soon and explore them. let's talk again about the depression subjects I was very sleepy when I wrote my first reply I found that one of my best friends got cancer last this because he was very stressed with his job as the doctor said and he is getting very well now, most of the people here are depressed because of their relationships with their families or their love story, we are all human being and we have hearts we fell in love and we felt weak very weak when we love someone and start worrying if that thing would finish sooner or later but from the bottom of our heart we know that we can live happy but keep complaining. In our lives we can have so many chances but we don't realize them until we loose them. I have traveled to so many countries and I have seen so many poor people who are begging just to have money to buy their food, worrying about a food not about to loose their girlfriends and boyfriends. I believe that god exist but life is not fair they are all human being they feel like us but their chances were not good like us we used to live in a safe house and a good family environment but there are so bad people in this world because their family didn't raise them very well and didn't care about them. Sometimes I get depressed for other people more than myself, but I know that am very stong, I can be happy,  and have fun. I have in this situation I used to get worred alot when I love someone but now I put limits so I don't get worried alot and if I reached that moment I go away without hurting anyone and if I hurt someone I will have the guts to say sorry when I realized that I did something wrong. Life is cruel sometimes but I wish that all the human being are happy no  matter what his/her religion  or his ethnicity, so let's do something good today and everyday, help other people, if you see any homeless buy him food, let's change the people life. One of my first inspiration exclude my dad there was a kuwaiti man he is not populart in the worldwide but he got very popular here, he passed away last year, he used to be a very wealthy man and got married to a very wealthy woman the left kuwait and moved in to Africa spent their whole money to help people in Africa. They didn't care about the new season fashion and where should they hangout or to go out for a dinner they just cared to help poor people and tried their best to open a hospital and give them. I hope that my subject helped smile thank you for reading
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