Depression- Does anyone else conceal it so well?

Posted , 7 users are following.

To everyone else, i am \"normal\" and sometimes i almost convince myself that i'm fine.

I can hold down a job, be supportive to friends and family. I laugh and gain enjoyment from hobbies etc. I you ask me if i'm happy i will tell you yes.

What no one know is, that deep down, i hate myself. I am disgusting and ugly and fat. I want to hurt myself but i know i can't hurt my husband by doing so.

I am so miserable and cannot run from myself. I find this world cold and cruel and sometimes can't bare to spend another second in it.

i try to keep a lid on it, because no one can fix me. I've been down the road of doctors and pills and therapy. It did help for a while but really i never got to the bottom of where all these feelings come from.

To meet me, you would never know.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Ooh Startlight,

    reading yr post was like looking in the mirror. I only wish you were registered coz I would have PM'd you!

    I think a lot of us get good at hiding things. Anyone looking at me from the outside would say I was outgoing, happy, strong, positive etc etc but inside I am a scared little girl in a corner.

    I am also on the larger side and I refuse to look at myself in a mirror. Even don't like hubby seeing me undressed at night. Lights out NOW!!!

    I've never seriously wanted to hurt myself but I do often think my hubby and family would be better off without me!

    So please don't be too hard on yourself. Feel free to PM me if you just want to chat. If I can offer any words of wisdom i will.

    All the best,

    lelly xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Starlight and lelly,

    Its just like looking in the mirror for me too, no-one apart from my GP knows how I suffer with depression :!:

    I`m always the one people call on for help, always the one everyone thinks is strong and copes with everything, the one who laughs and chats to friends and family as if I don`t have a care in the world. Inside I`m exausted, crying and some days don`t think I have the strength even to cook dinner, but I always do, find the strength etc from somewhere and carry on.

    Someone said to me once that god only gives all the problems to the ones he knows can cope with them, well he certainly picked the wrong one here :!:

    I`ve been like this for about 20yrs, on and off various antidepressants and talking therapy, but GP knows now that I can`t talk to anyone and no-one knows how I am so he doesn`t suggest that anymore.

    I`m also everweight and hate the way I look, I`ve just managed to lose a stone with GP`s help, but I don`t really believe I`ve lost it and still think I look awful :!:

    So try not to beat yourself up too much, come on here and have a good moan

    Paddy

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  • Posted

    Hey..

    I'm the same i've suffered from depression for 6 years now (since i was 15) and ive been in hospital countless times but now people think as ive not been in hospital for a while im 'over' my depression.

    I wish so much i was,but i suppose i'll just have to learn to live with it.People would say im kind,thoughtful,caring,helpful,happy etc etc but inside i'm just a mess.

    I hate myself so so much and i wish i didn't have to live,to be completely honest.But something keeps me going,something keeps up that false smile everyday! i just dont know what.

    I'm also on the larger side and feel because of how i look i will always be alone,never have a family etc.I just feel as though depression has ruined my life,so i can relate to all of you's.

    Just wish so much there was a magic pill to make up better!

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  • Posted

    At least we all know now we are not alone. I guess the link between weight and depression is inevitable.

    Everywhere we look people are telling us it is good to be thin. How much happier we would be etc etc.

    I lost loads of weight a few years ago (8 stn or more) but as i hadn't admitted to the depression then I still felt lousy and hated to see myself in a mirror. I was a size 12 and 6ft 2\" so should (according to the press etc) have been HAPPY!

    Image does help with emotions and mood but it is our self image that we need to sort out. If we don't like our selves how can we expect anyone else to like us?

    So ladies (sweeping assumption here!) lets make the decision to bess easier on ourselves. We can lose the weight. We will lose the weight. We will defeat the depression. We will all be happy, slim, confident, sexy people who others envy!

    Lelly xx

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  • Posted

    I feel the exact same way, i've just recently started going to my doctor about it and shes going to refer to me thearapists, i don't want anti-depressants but yeah before i told people i was amazing at hiding it!, i still am sort of, except that everyone i know now know how i feel.
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  • Posted

    hi all

    feel excactly the same to, it was the last straw when my son went missing last wednesday evening i was looking for him from 7:40 - 8:20 , so i went to my doctor last friday and told him how i felt ,i havent told my family the only person that i did tell was a good friend and they turned their back on me

    mum2jord

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  • Posted

    Well a wee update.

    I have written down all the things that worry me (4 pages worth). I spoke to my husband who has been a star!

    I spoke to my doc on the phone about another health issue and i think she has sensed that i'm stuggling. I've to go see her on Tuesday for a chat.

    I feel apprehensive about discussing things and i feel like a fraud. I should be able to cope.

    Writing everything down, i have realised how much i worry every single day about every eventuality. i micro analyse everything and i don't really know when this started,but no wonder i am suffering.

    i hope the doc is ok with me, i think she will be. But does anyone else get a terrible fear of being treated scathingly by their doc when you tell them how you've been feeling?

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  • Posted

    hi starlight

    yes i know exactly how you feel about going to the doctors only last friday i went to my doctors and i was absolutly terrified i had to write everything down cos there was no way on this earth could i have told him as he is not an easy doctor to talk to but i have to say that it went better than i thought it would

    hope everything goes ok for you at your doctors good luck :goodluck:

    mum2jord

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  • Posted

    I feel exactly the same as all of you, I have struggled alone with depression for a while now and only my GP knows about it.

    As a result of trying constantly to hide my true unhappy feelings I now do not tell anyone anything about myself, I come across quite unsociable and cold as I do not want to let anything slip sad .

    I too am overweight (surprise, surprise) and due to this and my inner feelings I am sure I will always be alone. I wish I could talk to someone but fear that no one will understand and it will only make things worse.

    Rob Lee

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  • Posted

    Hi Rob

    I always used to think that its better that no one knows.

    However, i have changed my opinion on this now.

    I work in a large civil service department. When i was diagnosed with depression last December, my boss at that time said it may be helpful to let those around me know of the depression. This i did. I found some people to be very understanding. Those that weren't - i didn't have to talk to and still don't.

    I'm very wary of who i tell now as my confidence and self esteem are virtually non - existent.

    I am having private counselling - something i thought i would never do and tonight i went to see someone highly recommended who practices hynotherapy and teaches self hypnosis (something i had never heard of).

    I don't know much about this yet but can let you know if you are interested.

    Getting through depression, for me, is not something i can do by myself. I don't want to be on Prozac for longer than i have to be.

    On talking to people about it at work, i have found no less than 5 people that have either had depression or are still trying to cope with the illness.

    I was a naturally shy person before this illness kicked me hard.

    We can beat this illness and you are certainly not alone.

    Best wishes mate and take care.

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