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Depression has been an on going thing most of my life.

Posted , 6 users are following.

sandy_loo
sandy_loo

I feel like once I get on this subject, I'm always complaining, but I need somewhere to talk. Coming from a totally disfunctional family life, since I was 2, (that's when I first remember) my history has been filled with both physical abuse and mental abuse. I am older now - in late 50's, my mother has since departed from this earth and although, outside I manage to keep on a bubbly, happy go lucky attitude, at home the only thing I think of is leaving this earth, but making it look like an accident. This way, my husband can collect my insurance money. Now though, I am getting more than desperate. I have booked a very inexpensive motel, in another city and feel I have found the courage to do it and away to do it. I am tired of putting on this fasaud. I have had an eating disorder since nine, and am in my late 50's. It cost me the career I loved. For about 7 years I have been hanging in there, but it's a struggle. There are no psychiatrists where I live that do talk therapy, they give meds on a one time basis, then it's up to your g.p. to fill the prescriptions. I have been on the same ones for 20 years. My psychiatrist retired 12 years ago. I travelled out of town to see him. He even returned my phone calls. Even in his city, they are not taking any new patients. 

I have booked a less expensive motel in another nearby city from now until they find me. I have reached the NDP of my rope. Thanks for listening.

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • alice1714
    alice1714 sandy_loo

    Posted

    Sandy,

    Hang on to your rope!!! Just keep hanging on! I've been in your shoes and read something so simple yet so profound....it was something like this: The way out of a suicidal crisis is Do Not Do It!

    Call 800-273-8255 or chat online at

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    There is help and a way out of the darkness. Please speak to someone now. Sending Love and Light to find your way out of darkness.

  • alice1714
    alice1714 sandy_loo

    Posted

    Sandy I just replied but my post was sent for moderation approval bc it contained a web link. Please call 800-273-8255. Google Lifeline Crisis Chat if you prefer to do an online chat rather than a call. Please call NOW. There is a way out of the darkness. I promise. I've been there. Call now.

    Sending love and light your way.

  • hypercat
    hypercat sandy_loo

    Posted

    Hi Sandy please please don't do this and give life another chance.  It's exhausting trying to keep up a facade isn't it,  trying to be something you are not.   You have to let family/friends know what is going on and give them the chance to help you and start dropping your facade a bit.  

    I am sure they would much rather they could try and help you then you going off to kill yourself.  Imagine how devastated they would be to hear that you deprived them of the chance to be there for you.  Think of the impact on their lives forever by your actions.  How would you feel if a loved one did this to you?  

    You are worth a lot more than you realise.  Don't listen to the depression thoughts as they are not real as it's just your brain trying to trick you.   Give life another chance and confide in your loved ones.  Bev x

     

  • borderriever
    borderriever sandy_loo

    Posted

    Hello

    Yes I know how you feel I am sixty six in three weeks time and had the same type of life, I have been disabled now for over thirty years and suffered depression since I was fourteen

    Regards your plan to take your life does your Husband know of these wishes, if not can you imagine what His feelings would be if you went and did what you planned, Your Actions could possibly ruin him and I will not be able to understand your actions, if you have family the same applies and they will always blame themselves for your actions.

    The last time I tried and failed my wife feels that I have tried to blakmail her and she now will not allow me to self medicate my daily doses or even not even let me make up or pick up my drugs from my GP Surgery.

    It is very importand that you at least talk to your GP about how you feel so He can arrange a course of treatment or reassess your condition and arrange help.

    You seem to have your final journeys sorted and planned for, if this is the case and you wish to start off, phone the NHS Emergency telephone number. If this is impractable walk into a Hospital A and E and ask to be taken to a safe place.

    If it goes past that approah the Police and ask to be held in a place of safety they will arrange a place where you can rest and see a GP, who will assess the situation and move you to a place that will give you support.

    With my attempt I was picked up and moved into a hospital where I was wathed over by A and E Staff and a very tired Jnr Doctor who sat with me and discussed the reasons for my attempt, it was an eye opener for me and i would never put my wif through the terror and feeling of distress she suffered that night

    Try and consider other options like Day Centres or talking to your Husband before you take any actions that will hurt those who you could leave behind

    BOB

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 sandy_loo

    Posted

    Hi Sandy - so sorry to read of the torment your life has been for you, it's amazing you have made it this far. Shows how strong you are - strong enough to keep on going. You have to because you have not exhausted all the avenues open to you. The first thing to do is follow the advice given by the posters here - talk to your GP. In the interim, you can contact a suicide prevention body - lifeline or the equilvalent in your country. When you see your GP ask to be referred to a psychologist/counsellor where you can talk out your issues gently. It will take time, but you will be doing something constructive to try and tackle the life-long issues that need to be addressed, and such issues will not be balanced overnight. I'm surprised that the meds have not6 been reassessed in 20 years - it could be that there needs to be some adjustment to them or a new type of meds altogether.

    Suicide will kill the body but not the conciousness - and once it's done you cannot undo it no matter what level of regret. You have not mentioned whether you have children - if so, you need to think of them. You need to be open with the people in your life - you will be surprised what support they will give and the enormous relief you will feel in just being honest with them. You have mentioned insurance for your death. Since you have posted your intention, it will be no trouble for the insurance assessors to find this and your husbands claim will be null-and-void. It is hard to stage an accident and there are always little telltale realities that will blow the intention.

    Sandy, please post on here to let us know you are still with us. We're here to help.

  • merianna13804
    merianna13804 sandy_loo

    Posted

    Hi Sandi, 

    It's really rough when you have an unsupportive partner. Since your a nurse wonder if you ever read the old time family dynamics classic by expert Virgina Satir called People Making. Informative, insightful makes sense book. According to the author both you and your partner's pots have run low and yours is so low that it's almost on empty. So hard to have a good relationship when both partners are on low. Nothing you can do about hubby's pot right now so try to emotionally detach from him for a moment and focus on yours. You need to fill it up. Be good to yourself. Learn how to sooth yourself. Those of us in the helping professions tend to be very giving towards others but sometimes neglect or forget about nurturing our our own sense of self.  Psychiatrists are great for meds but really don't provide enough talk therapy. Are their any mental health professionals where you live? You mentioned dysfunctional family hx and eating disorder which fits right in and needs attention. You have suffered since age 2.  Now is the time to start being good to yourself.  A good start would be to read about eating disorders/childhood trauma and find a professional you like and feel comfortable with to engage in counseling. Thank you for you service to others as a nurse. Wish you the happiness you so deserve.

     

  • borderriever
    borderriever sandy_loo

    Posted

    Sandi

    You need time out so you can consider your next move, some relationships feed on eachother this leads to one of the party who is stronger mentally to ovewhelm the weakest. You need to ask yourself what you want and demand for your life, make changes and stick to them. It is a hard road to take, although it does work as I walked away from trouble and our lives are that much better

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