Depression has taken over!

So, I'm going to try to start a journal, I have done this many times in my life, but I usually stop writing in it because for some reason I feel putting my thoughts out there is actually hurting me. I know somewhere deep down in side I know its good for me, but it really just scares the st of me. I started my first journal when I was 11 years old, I was living in my second foster home, I locked myself in a room and started writing, but by the time I got into it, I had to move and was so upset I didn't care to keep on writing, I started another journal at the age of 17, I got so many pages done, I think over a 100 which was a lot for me, and was super proud that I had got that much out of me, my good friend Sharron was listening to me read some of it to her and that same day something had happened with her in-laws and she snapped and shot herself in the head. That day was the last time I had ever really made any attempt on caring about writing my life story or my thoughts down. In the back of my mind, I'm terrified of talking or writing about anything that bothers me in life, I will talk about what is bothering me for that moment, a thought, pain going on in my body, complain, but never will I just freely get to the root of why I am the way I am (Crazy Beautiful)!! I have noticed more so this last year that I have been drinking excessively and actually going into black out fits and boy does all the st come out then that is hurting me, but even then its all surface pain, not the deep pain long life pain that has caused me not handle the new pains that just come along in life. I try to go to church and ask god to help me, I pray all the time, and I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I have been on antidepressants a few times in my life and I just act crazier on them, I almost just feel like they numb me and I'm sorta walking around like a zombie, so I stop taking them. The last few weeks, drinking has just amplified EVERYTHING!!! It's like I can feel myself turning into the incredible hulk, a ugly, angry, sad, scared person just fighting her way through a current of water that just sucks me in and I'm just in a tunnel vision not caring about anything else but to find an air bubble or just to breath again peacefully. Every time I get upset I say the last thing that has hurt me is what is going on, but I'm truly recognizing that this is much, much deeper and critical than just today or yesterday or even a year ago, 5 years ago it was something else, 20 years ago my anxiety issues and depression where something else, but I am convinced that I'm constantly chasing after internal peace all the wrong way and putting the blame of my depression, sadness, and darkness and everyday life issues and I am truly ready to dig deeper within my soul and find the true cause so I can handle life on life's terms, and handle situations in a stronger way.

? Has journaling helped you with your inner peace?

Wish me luck 😃

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