Depression is a lifelong battle

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I'm currently 23, about to be 24.. and I have been fighting depression for as long as I can remember.  And as everyone knows, there are highs and lows... and right now I'm in a very deep low.. 

A little background about myself. I was born into a middle class family, being the youngest of three. I grew up with a decently normal childhood, my father worked while my mom was a stay at home mom until I was about 8 or 9. But, unlike all the kids in the neighborhood, I grew up with an alcoholic father. At a very young age, one of the first things I ever learned was how to gauge my father's drinking with how he'd act. If he had wine, we knew to avoid him, if he had hard liquor, we knew to go into our bedrooms and not come out until the next day or until he left again. My father often times would come home at 1 or 2 in the morning and would wake us up yelling and screaming at us for the stupidest of things. My first memory of these times were when my father yelled at me for where I placed my sneakers, and he physically hurt me. That was only the first. My father has backed my sister and my mother into corners, and would constantly raise his fist to every single one of us. When I was around 6 or 7, I can remember crying my little eyes out under my pillow, hoping and praying that I could just die. I'd often hold the pillow down over my head for so long that I would actually pass out. No one ever knew. Even to this day, my family stands firm on their perception that I "don't have depression" or "it's just a phase you'll grow out of it.." it's been almost 20 years.. I don't think I'll just grow out of depression. 

When I was 16, My depression had gotten worse. I started actually attempting suicide, I almost drove my car into a building, almost jumped out of my window, tried overdosing on pills and would often turn to cutting as a way to deal with my depression. For a few years after that, I had started to believe that my mother was right and that I was growing out of it. But there was always one thought that never left my mind... and that was how badly I just wanted to die. And I do still feel that way. I will not go out of my way to kill myself. I don't have the strength or courage to do that, but instead I think of things that could kill me all day everyday. Like if I'm driving, I'll start hoping that maybe a tire will blow on a car around me and I'll crash into them and die.. or a tree will fall and hit me, anything that will kill me. This happens literally everyday of my life and every situation I go through. 

Now, I am in the deepest slump I have been in since I was 16. I am in a very difficult situation where I basically am about to ruin someones life.. and it is killing me. The worst part is there is no way around it. 

I've tried keeping my head up, thinking it'll get better after I tell them, or someday it'll get better, but in my heart I know that it wont. The news I now have to pass on will be news that will carry with me until the day I die, and that also kills me. I have f*cked up my life so badly.. and I'm not even 25 yet. Why would I even want to live to be 25 when all I'll do is keep ruining peoples lives? 

I've tried counseling.... 7 times. They never helped. I've tried anti depressents, but those were what I stupidly tried over dosing on. ( I took approx. 200 Prozacs within a matter of 2 hours; I do not suggest this, I was very sick for almost 2 weeks) I've tried writing, I've tried turning to friends, I feel like I've tried everything, and NOTHING is working for me... I really just want to give up. The worst thing ever is knowing that you are truly alone in life. I can't turn to my family because they'll over react and take me to the psych hospital, I can't turn to my friends because they're all living their life, why do I want to bring them down with the problems I'm facing. The only thing I can say I truly have is my dog, and even she doesn't want to be around me anymore.. and I guess that's why I turned here. I don't know what I'm looking for out of this, but I hope its better than wanting something to come along and kill me... 

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  • Posted

    I'm actually in the same situation right now. Only a year older. Turning 25 in july! I know how you feel about not wanting to turn that - I remember thinking as a kid that 25 would be the best age ever to be in. Still young, but with a stable job, education, possibly a loan on a house and start of a family - what a joke. Ten years after being depressed I've gotten absolutely nowhere and have none of these things! Besides a son (that was an accident and makes me feel even more depressed, which makes me feel even more guilty as he's the 'dream child'. Everyone wants him, but the person who should want him the most (me), can't seem to feel that way. But I shouldn't derive on this and focus on you instead! It's easy for me to start ranting.

    I can empathize with you on so many levels. Wanting everything to end, but not being able to go through with it... Being alone. I hope being here will help you as much as it helped me. It's only been two days, and that's certainly not a long time, but at this point I'll take anything. Talking to people with similar experiences, I've found out really helps. Getting encouragement from those people helps too! I'm afraid I'm absolutely terrible in encouragement, but I'll talk anytime ( I spend all day on the computer doing practically nothing anyway!) 

    You've had to deal with something extremely traumatizing in the past, so it's not uncommon at all for you to feel broken. But I wouldn't say you are, not completely. There's still something there that keeps you going isn't here? Otherwise you wouldn't have came here and shared your story. Kinda like me, yelling to the darkness in the hopes someone might reply. I'll leave the encouraging to others - they can say it so much better. I want to give you a big hug though, and due to overeating to my stress, I'm pretty fluffy! *hug*

    Even if it's cliché and I never thought I'd use it, I have to say it - you're not alone. At least not here! Keep fighting.

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    • Posted

      I appreciate that hug. smile and you're right. There is something that's keeping me here and that's my dog. I know it sounds sad but she's been my rock since day one, and I can't leave her.. the same way she hasn't left me.

      and I've been thinking about it. It's not necessarily that I want to kill myself. Mostly because I don't know what I believe comes after. I don't know if I believe in an after life or reincarnation, but all I know is this life here and I guess it's more that I want to escape it. I want to just leave my life behind and start a new one. I know that's impossible, and I know I can't just stop living my life which is why I constantly hope to die. That seems like the only true option of leaving my life behind.

      And although I do have something to fight for, I still feel broken and damaged. I mean mentally and emotionally I can't handle life. It's the day to day things that get me the most, like my jobs, my schooling, my friends... well what friends I do actually have. I just can't rise to everyone's (especially my own) standard of living and I beat myself up even more over it because really... who can't live up to their own standards?

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    • Posted

      Doesn't sound sad to me at all. We all need something to hold on to, be it a love for a thing or a person or a pet. You have someone - that's a positive thing, not something to feel bad about!

      Escaping your life is something I've been doing for years - living through games where I can push my own suffering, my feelings aside and pretend to be a completely different person. In the end, it helps nothing. I'm only pushing the problems away, but they still remain. But if it's something you seriously consider - it is possible. You can move to a new town, get a new life and leave everything behind. Thing is, it doesn't make your problems go away. I know it feels like it would, but it only works if the only cause of stress and bad feelings is all the people you know. And I can tell you that even if people are a pain, even if it feels they don't help at all, they really do. Being completely alone is 100% more worse. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

      Rising to your own expectations can be difficult. For me, I demand way too much of myself, I always have. But dwelling in it doesn't help! It's possible to lower your own standards. You don't have to give them up completely, but you do need to give yourself more credit. It's about turning the negative into more positive. I mean, you're still able to go to school and work, that's great! It's the normal stuff that's the hardest to do. It feels like you can't anymore and you want to just quit going. It's also a cycle, as the more you stop doing, the less you'll feel like doing. 

      I really feel you should try to find a therapist, if the councelling doesn't help. And even if it doesn't feel like it helps, sometimes just talking about it really does even if you don't notice. Happened to me before. Was seeing a councellor for half a year, then I stopped going. Took me a few months to notice, but I felt so much more down without it. It gives you perspective and forces you to talk about yourself. Ofc I'm not saying it's the best solution for everyone, and maybe it's not right for you. But it has helped me!

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  • Posted

    Hello Staci,  I am a lot older than you but i have experienced childhood abuse with my father so i have some understanding of where you are coming from. You say you have messed up your life badly, believe me you are not the first or last to think that.  I do believe that our life experiences and abuse can lead to depression and suicidal feelings. Until you let go of the past you will be battling this awful depression. I did have counselling and found it did help me and i also forgave my father, but not until he was on his death bed. Is your father still here. Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do, it is a great release. You are not to blame for the abuse and your fathers actions. Our parents should be our protectors and loving towards us, unfortunately many families are dysfunctional. There is no excuse for the way your father treated you and your siblings. You must have hope that things can change but that lies with yourself. We cnnot change others or try to understand why we were treated in this way. I do still suffer depressive episodes and that will be because i cannot change the past. We can change our futures and you have so much opportunity. There are some online courses which are free and you do them in your own time and it will get you interested in learning. They are not qualifications as such, i have done at 6 courses for pleasure. You say you have your dog, your dog is your companion and you trust the dog, people hurt you and that is why you have no interest in people. You will learn to trust again, it will take time. I hope you don't act on your thoughts of suicide.  This is not the answer, it is final and you could hurt others too. I know how that feels as my husband and a nephew commited suicide. I was left with a lifetime of pain and unaswered questions.  I will never get over this and i live with it. My daughters were the only good thing in my life then and now my two grandchildren also. I have made many mistakes and regrets and have been suicidal and acted on this several times as a youngster. I am now glad i didn't suceed and i have dissabilities now which restrict me walking and wish now i had done things differently. You cannot put an old head on young shoulders. I hope you think about your future and get the help you need, talking is a great release, depression is worsened because we are inwardly angry.  Start with your GP there maybe a depression group in your area, try meet up groups where you are amongst people that understand depression.  Ask about confidence and self esteem building.  All these things can help you but you must be open to that help. Who knows you maybe able to help others in time. Don't let your father win, the best revenge is to be successful. 

     Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.  smile

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  • Posted

    You guys are absolutely amazing. That you for helping me with this... I think your right about seeking help, it may not have worked in the past but who's to say it won't work now? Now I just need the energy to get up and search. It's hard to find any in my area let alone good ones. I appreciate hearing what you have to say, and to know that im not alone in this and even complete strangers are able to make me feel better is an amazing feeling.

    Yesterday I startedto feel a little more energized. For the first time in about a week I was able to actually eat a meal, it was a sandwich but it was more than a piecw of pretzel here and there. I found the energy to clean my room too. That was nice. Helps to make me feel better knowing I have a clean room. I know Im still no where near where I'd like to be with my energy and my emotional state, but I'm back on the rise for now and my first step is to look for a counselor. Thank you again!

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