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I'm currently 23, about to be 24.. and I have been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. And as everyone knows, there are highs and lows... and right now I'm in a very deep low..
A little background about myself. I was born into a middle class family, being the youngest of three. I grew up with a decently normal childhood, my father worked while my mom was a stay at home mom until I was about 8 or 9. But, unlike all the kids in the neighborhood, I grew up with an alcoholic father. At a very young age, one of the first things I ever learned was how to gauge my father's drinking with how he'd act. If he had wine, we knew to avoid him, if he had hard liquor, we knew to go into our bedrooms and not come out until the next day or until he left again. My father often times would come home at 1 or 2 in the morning and would wake us up yelling and screaming at us for the stupidest of things. My first memory of these times were when my father yelled at me for where I placed my sneakers, and he physically hurt me. That was only the first. My father has backed my sister and my mother into corners, and would constantly raise his fist to every single one of us. When I was around 6 or 7, I can remember crying my little eyes out under my pillow, hoping and praying that I could just die. I'd often hold the pillow down over my head for so long that I would actually pass out. No one ever knew. Even to this day, my family stands firm on their perception that I "don't have depression" or "it's just a phase you'll grow out of it.." it's been almost 20 years.. I don't think I'll just grow out of depression.
When I was 16, My depression had gotten worse. I started actually attempting suicide, I almost drove my car into a building, almost jumped out of my window, tried overdosing on pills and would often turn to cutting as a way to deal with my depression. For a few years after that, I had started to believe that my mother was right and that I was growing out of it. But there was always one thought that never left my mind... and that was how badly I just wanted to die. And I do still feel that way. I will not go out of my way to kill myself. I don't have the strength or courage to do that, but instead I think of things that could kill me all day everyday. Like if I'm driving, I'll start hoping that maybe a tire will blow on a car around me and I'll crash into them and die.. or a tree will fall and hit me, anything that will kill me. This happens literally everyday of my life and every situation I go through.
Now, I am in the deepest slump I have been in since I was 16. I am in a very difficult situation where I basically am about to ruin someones life.. and it is killing me. The worst part is there is no way around it.
I've tried keeping my head up, thinking it'll get better after I tell them, or someday it'll get better, but in my heart I know that it wont. The news I now have to pass on will be news that will carry with me until the day I die, and that also kills me. I have f*cked up my life so badly.. and I'm not even 25 yet. Why would I even want to live to be 25 when all I'll do is keep ruining peoples lives?
I've tried counseling.... 7 times. They never helped. I've tried anti depressents, but those were what I stupidly tried over dosing on. ( I took approx. 200 Prozacs within a matter of 2 hours; I do not suggest this, I was very sick for almost 2 weeks) I've tried writing, I've tried turning to friends, I feel like I've tried everything, and NOTHING is working for me... I really just want to give up. The worst thing ever is knowing that you are truly alone in life. I can't turn to my family because they'll over react and take me to the psych hospital, I can't turn to my friends because they're all living their life, why do I want to bring them down with the problems I'm facing. The only thing I can say I truly have is my dog, and even she doesn't want to be around me anymore.. and I guess that's why I turned here. I don't know what I'm looking for out of this, but I hope its better than wanting something to come along and kill me...
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