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Depression is driving me crazy

Posted , 4 users are following.

kun43511
kun43511

Hello everyone,

I will try to make this as short as possible, but just so you know that this is the only place I could freely talk to.

?About 8 years ago before enrolling in college I started to overthink everything to the extent where I would no longer be able to sleep before answering these questions and it was driving me crazy. Today I am 25 years old and done with college, I went to find a "dream job" with a fortune 500 company but a little over a year later I quit the job because of my depression, even the smallest tasks were making me stressed to the max. I am not social at all and so I always stay at home now that I am unemployed, the only place that is keeping me a little sane is the gym but that is for just an hour a day.

?I have literally had suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years non-stop everyday, I tried to avoid thinking like that but no matter what I look at will remind me of suicide. My brain is by far my biggest enemy and I hate it! what makes it even worse is I can't talk to my parents about this because they are religious and so their answer would be to find god and pray more etc... I respect all religious people don't get me wrong, but this is just not working for me. Also where I live (not in the US) have literally no psychatrist (therapist) that isn't about money which adds insult to injury.

?I talk to myself a lot when I am alone, this keeps me very calm but I don't think I can sustain more of that, I've been doing it for the past 8 years.

?At this point I really don't know what to do, what is the root cause of my depression will always remain a mystery because I am pretty sure nothing like death or anything else triggered the situation. 

?Thanks a lot if you reached this part, it means a lot to me that atleast I can talk to people like you.

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • Patient_Mod
    Patient_Mod kun43511

    Posted

    Hi kun43511

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

  • Ashley025
    Ashley025 kun43511

    Posted

    Hey Kun

    You're depressed you need help. Therapy will help you. I feel the same way. I think I'm going insane feeling trapped in these four walls. I just started to realize something I want you to know to. I was extremely down again contemplating suicide but I said to myself. If I want to do this, take this drastic step knowing there's no way back once you do it. It should mean something. I should not care anymore and push myself to do things even if it may backfire. If it does I can get a support system. My family, therapist, etc. I dont have a therapist right now though. But i was thinking a leap of faith could help. Think about it please. Take action now. Get help please. I know its easier said than done. For every situation its different. But please do. Its your life take control now. Time passes by quickly dont let that happen you will live with regret I do. I beat myself up for it all the time. sad Im 24. I don't go out at all. I have Agoraphobia. Please get treated. Nows the time you should be enjoying life. Well it doesnt matter age everyone can enjoy it. But now is when you can make more memory's. Have fun life is very short and passes by very quick. Once you start isolating yourself you lose track of time and plenty of years will pass by. You don't want that. It will only make your depression and thoughts worse. Good luck🙌smile 

    • kun43511
      kun43511 Ashley025

      Posted

      Hey Ashley,

      I am sorry to hear that you are also facing this too, and thanks for your reply it means a lot to me.

      As you said, I try to push and force myself everyday to do anything just to avoid staying in one room but you see that the issue is in my brain so no matter where I go it is there! I went a couple months ago to Italy and France and I thought will help me a lot, but nothing! I was constantly thinking about nonsense throughout my trip (I know thats crazy right!?)

      As for you, I hope you stay strong as well and get over this evil. I honestly fail to understand why we get these toughts while others can enjoy life sad

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 kun43511

      Posted

      Hey Kun

      I'm like that too no matter what I do even if I'm with my family I feel the same way. I'm not happy I feel empty all the time. It's just like I'm dragging myself to walk. I'm exhausted all the time. Our enemy is our mind. It drives me to the brink. sad Try to keep going.🙌 I know it's very hard but it would be a mistake to do something to yourself. When we're down we actually think/want to die. The reality is if we let time pass it will get better. We won't have those bad thoughts. Stay Strong. The truth is my depression is always there sometimes mild only. When its severe I dont really care about hurting my family. So I say this to you. Please get help.🙏I hope you get better. 

  • borderriever
    borderriever kun43511

    Posted

    Kun

    When Suicidal and you feel in danger try calling NHS Information line on Tel 111 they can arrange the Crisis Team to contact you. As above you can try the Samaritans they will talk, although on occasions actions may need to be taken to help you

    Has your GP arranged a course of treatment for you, your GP is generally a good plave to explain your needs and He can also arrange medications and CBT so you can begin to understand why you feel the way you do.

    This problem needs to be addressed, you need to move on in your life and this is possible after a comprehensive treatment plan

    BOB

    • kun43511
      kun43511 borderriever

      Posted

      Hey BOB,

      Thanks a lot for your reply! I appreciate your suggestion but the thing is I had one of the top health insurance cards out there but since I quit my job I lost it. This means that any and I mean any visit to a doctor will need an insurance card no matter what, thats how it goes here sad

      As for helpline those are not available here too, in the mean time I am keeping myself extremely busy at all cost to avoid bad thoughts and hopefully this nightmare ends and I can be atleast normal again. If I ever get a job again I will give the GP a try but not counting on that.

      Again thanks a lot for putting time to help me out, this means the world to me.

  • robert68588
    robert68588 kun43511

    Posted

    Hi Kun.I'm in the same boat in a way.I'm 54 (live in US) and have been battling IBS/anxiety/depression for 20 years.For various reasons the last 9+ months have been really tough.Having to deal with this everyday is wearing on me.I've had a slightly better outlook (and I mean slightly over just the last few days).With me and this is just me I had been for years doing the whole religious thing going to church ,doing outreach,going to prayer groups Bible study and for years I felt really good with it but somewhere in all that religion I lost the most important thing, God.Over these last 9 months I've talked to Him like never before and really am praying like I never did before.It's hard to describe but thru this rough time I've gotten closer to Him. As i look back now I realise I was doing all the things you do but I was totally lost.I guess when you've got nothing left to hang on to and are lying there thinking about how horrible life is that's where you really find Him.Now don't get me wrong I also have a really good counsoler, a psyc doc(but really although she means well she's just a med dispenser).family and friends who I can talk to,altough some are better than others.I currently stopped going to church because the one i"m going to wasn't fulfilling(I don't know if that's the right word,it's hard to explain), so I'm trying to find one that will.What has really helped me is a little daily devotional they provide called the Upper Room and it's amazing how when I get up in the morning(and mornings are the worst by far,during the week when I go to work I usually wake up a couple hours ahead of time and just get caught up in anxiety and thoughts and that's when I do a lt of talking to God) to pray and read it and what I was praying about or thinking about is addressed almost as if it were planned for me to read ahead of time.I call those God moments because only He could know where i'd be at that time when the devotional was written/published/put together months before.Now this is just what's happened for/to me.I can't say how to find a path for you.I think I may have failed in what I'm trying to say.I agree with you about what your parents would say about praying more and finding God about being the answer as if it is real easy and then I go and write you basically what they said.But I don't mean it that way.It's hard to say but I guess I mean I didn't"find God" until I got away from all the "clutter" in my life including some of the religious stuff.It's like I'm starting all over again from scratch,but in a way that is leading me,for the first time to my true Savior the one I've been looking for ,for 54 years and thought I had found Him many times(and maybe for a short time here and there I had) but really hadn't until now.Sorry for rambling on I just am trying to tell you my true feelings and as you can see I'm still trying to figure it all out.Basically I hope I helped some and just to have hope,to keep looking for the truth,the light and at least I think you will find it eventually in Him.Just because He loves us.God Bless You man and Just all the love and peace I can send you way.Bob (Not the same one on the other comment)

    • kun43511
      kun43511 robert68588

      Posted

      Hey Bob!

      Thanks for reaching out to me and sharing your story. I understand your story completely and I am glad that it is shedding some light back into your life, afterall thats the whole purpose of living. I have tried taking this path for as long as I can recall but it just didn't work, however just to be fair I am not saying ill never try it again. At the moment finding peace for me is my only goal, and I am trying to achieve that by shifting my thoughts to something else, I am keeping myself busy with job applications, workouts, and calm music...hopefully this can lead somewhere.

      I am trying to find someone, anyone whom I can rely on to let it out and talk to them in real life. Atleast for now I got amazing people like you to talk to. I always ask myself that after 8 years when is the time that I am going to be normal again (if that is going to happen again).

      I appreciate your story and will surely consider it for myself. Thanks a lot for replying to me and hope you stay in peace and safe for the rest of your life!

  • robert68588
    robert68588 kun43511

    Posted

    HI Kun,Hope you are well.Sorry I didn't get back sooner but I just have my computer at work to respond.Just wanted to say stay strong and hopefully you'll be able to get thru this rough patch and come out the other side just like i do.I'll be praying for both of us.Hang in there,brother God Bless You,Bob

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