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Depression is slowly killing me

Posted , 5 users are following.

Nel44
Nel44

I have been depressed for a number of years now, probably since my mums death 9 year ago, my marriage split up the year after then 2 disastrous relationships later! I have been on lofepramine 70mg x 3 daily and mirtazipine 45mg once daily for about 2 and a half year now. I just lost my dog in a tragic road accident 2 days ago and the guilts consuming me which is basically the icing on the cake!

Im 44 feel as though I'm only existing and honestly don't want to be here. What's stopping me is my 24yr old daughter, 20yr old son and 1yr old granddaughter. I feel as though its unfair that I'm living though as I'm truly not happy and as I've said to my doctor, if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness I'd be quite happy. I know that may sound selfish but its really how I feel, I can't seem to snap out of this. 😔

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • Guest
    Guest Nel44

    Posted

    im going thru tge same thing called depersonalization i lost my mom 3 years ago it was very traumatic and have been stressing ALOT sad Its normal how u feel ive been on antidepressants a week now hopefully ill start feeling normal again soon i hope u feel better as well 💝
    • Nel44
      Nel44 Guest

      Posted

      Thank you TammiToxic and Im sorry to hear about your mom. I wish you well also. 😚💜
    • Guest
      Guest Nel44

      Posted

      your welcome i know how scary it is to not feel like yourself sad its hard but trying to get your mind off it helps smile
    • Nel44
      Nel44 Guest

      Posted

      Been trying for years to no avail. Sometimes I'm ok but never great. I think the trauma at the weekend has really set me back. 😔
    • xheni78262
      xheni78262 Nel44

      Posted

      Hi!I am sorry to hear that.I am going through the same situation after my father's death in Juni.It is horrible and frightened and I am so tired of it but I try to stay strong for my mother.I felt guilty too for my father's death, I thought it was my fault and that was the beginning of my problem.But is nobody's fault,things just happens and we have to accept them,we have to be strong and not to blame ourselves.I know it is hard but acceptance helps.Life is beautiful and we are not living it.This stress,anxiety and depression is not letting us but we should be stronger than that.Go for a walk in nature,spend time with your granddaughter(children are the most beautiful things in our lives ).Just stay positive,life is worth of living.

      Hugs

    • Nel44
      Nel44 xheni78262

      Posted

      Hi and thank you.

      I'm sorry to hear of your fathers passing, I've lost both parents and know what you must be going through. ((((Hugs)))) to you 💜

  • hypercat
    hypercat Nel44

    Posted

    Hi I am so sorry to hear all this.  Do you find the meds still work ok?  Maybe if you are still depressed you need them upping or even changing. 

    How tragic about your poor dog.   I do emphasise with you as I had to put my old cat down last year.  I had to take him to the vets to be killed.  For the next 5 days I felt terrible like a monster and so guilty I thought I was going to die.  Then all the messages I got like 'he had a good life'  and 'he was happy'  got through to me and I felt quite a lot better.   

    I am putting the below on for you which is a lovely piece of writing and comforted me.

    Rainbow Bridge

    Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

    When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

    There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

    There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

    All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

    The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

    They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

    You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

    Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

    Author unknown...

    Lots of hugs  Bev xx

     

    • Nel44
      Nel44 hypercat

      Posted

      Thanks so much for your kind words.

      I was mad at my dog for ripping a bag open while I was out and she ran out the door without me and she was never out without a lead on. I have just moved to a new area so was strange to her, she was 14, deaf and half blind so god only knows what was going through her tiny little mind. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt and constant wondering if she was in pain.

      I am on the medication i stated in first post, I feel they have been ok but not great, I have ok days but never above that and a lot of down days. Right now the feelings of wanting to die are very high and I hate feeling like this 😔

    • hypercat
      hypercat Nel44

      Posted

      Hi Nel how awful for you,  no wonder you feel so guilty.  Accidents happen though and you didn't mean it as you loved her didn't you?  With her disabilities you did very well to keep and care for her until the age of 14 without any mishap.   What a happy lucky dog to have an owner who cared so much for her and looked after her so well.   That's what's important,  not a tragic accident.  I hope she didn't suffer any pain my love too.  She is at Rainbow Bridge though now and I firmly believe you will one day see her again and be together for all time.   I would rather spend eternity with my beloved pets I have loved and lost than most people!  smile   Lots of hugs for you.   Bev xx
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