Depression or not? Please help

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi

I met someone over a year ago. We started seeing each other and fell in love. We were planning marriage. His mother wouldn't agree as per the asian cultural norm, she wanted him to marry within the family. He also had other family issues going on. He left his job in order to put pressure on his mother to agree to the marriage. But the marriage discussion fell behind due to his other family issues. As time went by he became very distant from me. He would ignore my calls and not respond to my txt messages. I had to keep persisting in order to get him to reciprocate. During this period of time, he was unemployed and I thought it could be due to that reason that he is behaving so coldly towards me. He was very passionate about work and a very ambitious minded person. We would still see each other and spend time together, after much persuasion. One day, I told him it seems that he may be depressed. He was telling me how he just did not feeling like being around people, he felt constantly tired. When he went to see his GP, he was diagnosed with depression. He took medication for just over a month (his medication was changed twice). He also attended two therapy sessions. He then discontinued his medication and did not attend any further sessions. He said he felt no different, infact he just felt alot more irritable and aggressive. He has not taken any treatment since then. This was in November 2014.

He managed to find a job and started his employment in January 2015. He still continues to ignore me. It takes several days to get him to respond to me. He keeps saying he doesn't feel like talking and that he doesnt even talk to his friends. He shows no affection towards me like he used to. He does not seem bothered about his outlook and still continues not to keep in touch with friends. The only person I think he still cares about is his mother who lives with him. But if he was truly depressed, would he care about her? I asked him that question and he said if he cared that much he would have agreed to what she wants (that is to get married). He says she is his responsbility and her well being matters to him. But he can not fulfill her wish. He now told me he just does not want to get married or have a family. He doesn't want to be with anybody. He says, he goes to work and comes home. Thats how his day goes by. He just wants his day to pass. He told me he doesnt feel anything inside of him. His work involves no emotions so he is able to manage that. He says he hates emotions and emotional people. He says he knows he has become abnoxious and he doesn't know why.

My problem is that I still love him dearly and I want a future with him. I dont want to let him go. But I really dont know what to do. I feel if he was genuinely depressed, then he wouldnt even go to work.

Any suggestions/feedback will be much appreciated

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    People with depression are often able to work and carry on with their lives.  Many with depressio9n hold down responsible jobs.  I think those who have not had depression think we lie around all day doing nothing, and feeling sad.  That is not always the case.

    Yes we do withdraw from others.  That is very normal.  We have to preserve our energy.  I have pushed away relationships because when in a depression, I found them hard to sustain. 

    You just have to let him know you are there for him, and love him.  Give him the space he is asking for.  He sounds as if he is coping the best he can.  He works and comes home.  Yes emotions are hard to cope with.  It is his illness that is making him like that. 

    Be there for him when he needs you.  Don't push him too hard, that may make him push you away further.  Tell him you understand.  He needs the support of others, but finds it hard to ask for it.  Just knowing you are there, should help. 

    Hopefully in time, when he feels able to, he will commit to you. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks alot anne420. Your response has helped in reassuring me. He is working as a Manager. I have told him to get treatment again, but he just wont listen. I feel if he doesnt do anything about it, he will never recover from this
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    • Posted

      I've heard people can still function and hold down responsible jobs for them to say they don't want a relationship to then develope a relationships with someone else, I would be interested to know how that works or if someone has experience of this.  My husband dumped myself and kids for another woman who is an alcoholic, he is now also drinking?  No meds or therapy he has run away from everything.
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  • Posted

    Hi I agree with taking the pressure off him and just letting him know that you are there for him.   To be honest I don't hold out much hope for your  relationship from what you have said.   You can't force someone else to love you no matter how you feel for them.  

    And it is very difficult to live with someone who is depressed.  Do you want that for the rest of your life?   Do you deserve better?  x

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    • Posted

      Hi hypercat

      Thank you for the response. I haven't forced him to love me. He genuinely did love but now he says he feels nothing inside him. But I just can't understand if that is the case then why does he have concern for his mother and he also seems to be doing well at work. Though he is socially withdrawn and doesn't talk to or meet up with friends

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  • Posted

    HI Memories I only said that because of what you said at the end of your post.   I am sorry if I misinterpreted it.  

    He does sound very depressed but if he is seeking treatment he will probably return to his old self one day.  The trouble with depression though is that it can return.  How would you feel living with him and maybe having children and it happens again?  And again? 

    A lot of depressed people still go to work and this can help as it takes your mind off your own thoughts and feelings.   I have been there and am speaking from

    experience.    It depends on the level of depression,  the person,  and the type of job.   I hope he does get better soon and you can both sort this out.  x

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    • Posted

      Thanks hypercat. He is actually work as a Manager and seems to be doing well in that. He's become very mean towards me. Last night we spoke and he was saying how he's going to put himself first and not anyone else. He brought a car which he didn't really need and seemed very excited about that. He says the car is an object and has no emotions, doesn't expect anything and that makes him happy. He told me I should focus my life on other things as being the way I am is not appealing, just like being the way he is isnt. I work and lead a normal life so I was hurt by his remark. But frankly he doesn't really give a damn about how a person is feeling apart from himself. Ive decided (as hard as it is) perhaps just not to contact him again. Im tired of being insulted and hurt.
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    • Posted

      Oh I am so sorry.  He seems to have changed, and I can understand how his unkind remarks have hurt you.  Like you say, perhaps leave it, as hard as it is.  No you should not be insulted and hurt, and try and see if you can get on with your life without him. 

      I know depression can change people, but there is no excuse hurting others and insulting them. 

      Try and be kind to yourself and I think he just needs time to deal with his illness.  It is up to him to seek help.  Take care.

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