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Hello everyone. First of all sorry for my grammar/spelling mistakes. English is not my first language.
I have seen situations somehow similar to myself in this website but all of them have had at least one big difference with my situation. They do not really capture what I am going through so I decided to make an account and start this discussion.
I have had depression from an early age (around 5 maybe) it runs in my family. My mom and grandma also had it. We also have a history of suicide in the family. My grandma hanged herself when she was 40. In addition, I have been mentally, physically and sexually abused in my early teen years. I haven't had the best life but I managed to get a masters degree and have a (somehow) decent job. I am taking pills for my depression (Bupropion hcl xl 300MG) like all my previous medications, it stopped working after a while. I still take them though.
My problem is, I dont find any feeling toward my bf in my heart. Even though I have been molested as a kid, I used to love and enjoy sex in my early 20s (I am 27 now) but since I met my bf ( almost 3 years ago) it has disappeared. He is caring, loving and understanding but I just do not find any love or feeling in my heart anymore. I feel so guilty and cry for hours most of the days. I wish I had a normal sexual life it just botheres me that I am only 27 but been through lots and lots of trauma and can't have sex. Also due to the pandemic, it is almost impossible to get a hold of a psychotrapist so I dont think I can change me medication anytime soon. I am thinking maybe I can do better in terms of finding a bf and I should break up with him but on the other hand I think it is because of depression. Im starting to believe that I will never be cured and/or be able to have sex. I truly appreciate your comments and messages.
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