Depression ruinning my life
Posted , 7 users are following.
Hello everyone. First of all sorry for my grammar/spelling mistakes. English is not my first language.
I have seen situations somehow similar to myself in this website but all of them have had at least one big difference with my situation. They do not really capture what I am going through so I decided to make an account and start this discussion.
I have had depression from an early age (around 5 maybe) it runs in my family. My mom and grandma also had it. We also have a history of suicide in the family. My grandma hanged herself when she was 40. In addition, I have been mentally, physically and sexually abused in my early teen years. I haven't had the best life but I managed to get a masters degree and have a (somehow) decent job. I am taking pills for my depression (Bupropion hcl xl 300MG) like all my previous medications, it stopped working after a while. I still take them though.
My problem is, I dont find any feeling toward my bf in my heart. Even though I have been molested as a kid, I used to love and enjoy sex in my early 20s (I am 27 now) but since I met my bf ( almost 3 years ago) it has disappeared. He is caring, loving and understanding but I just do not find any love or feeling in my heart anymore. I feel so guilty and cry for hours most of the days. I wish I had a normal sexual life it just botheres me that I am only 27 but been through lots and lots of trauma and can't have sex. Also due to the pandemic, it is almost impossible to get a hold of a psychotrapist so I dont think I can change me medication anytime soon. I am thinking maybe I can do better in terms of finding a bf and I should break up with him but on the other hand I think it is because of depression. Im starting to believe that I will never be cured and/or be able to have sex. I truly appreciate your comments and messages.
0 likes, 12 replies
sam18386 little_bird
Edited
hi little b, your English is very good! i can not believe what you've been through. you can not be touched because someone hurt you. when you were hurt did anyone help you to know why it hurt so much? this was something called assault and if you don't have any help with assault it hurts - a lot! you need to ask your doctor/health professional to help you.touch will carry on hurting unless you get help with it. i hope you do.
little_bird sam18386
Posted
hello Sam18386. Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately I didn't have any support back then. My parents weren't supportive plus they were abusive. I couldn't talk with them about the sexual assault which was happening outside home.I didn't have any friends either so I just kept it as a secret. I know it wasn't a right decision but I was just a kid. Currently I am actively looking for a sex therapist/psychotrapist but no luck. I still take my pills even though they don't work and excercise every day. It helps a little but not that much.
sam18386 little_bird
Edited
hi little bird, the more i read the more your story gets close to reflecting mine! i kept quiet and eventually i exploded one day and had to tell in a Catholic family my mother slapped me for lieing! if you have a mental health organisation near you they may well be able to help you to find a specialist counsellor. assault will eat you up inside, you need support. x if you need me please keep texting or writing to me.
little_bird sam18386
Posted
Thank you. I went to crisis and addiction help center in my town, that is how I got my pills but unfortunately they can only provide 3 session of counseling due to large amount of demand.
sam18386 little_bird
Edited
hi little bird, where do you live if you don't mind me saying? is it the states? in each country i think there is a health service that may have a mental health section attached. shall we try to find out? i will try to help you.
little_bird sam18386
Posted
I live in Canada. I have asked my family doctor to write a formal request to counselling and psychotherapy association and ask them to assign me a doctor, but again, it wont be so fast.
TruckerM little_bird
Edited
Hi Little Bird!
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you've had more than your fair share of nasty experiences in your life.
Depression is often triggered for multiple reasons (Including PTSD & low self-esteem).
From my experience, It's very easy to sit back and think medication and therapy ain't working.. but once you come off them you often realise how they did help you, So I wouldn't be too quick to make that call (But you could always speak to your Dr about maybe altering doses / medication ? )
As for the whole intimacy scenario with your partner, Unfortunately with depression & some medication you'll lose your intimacy desire.. but with therapy this should return to normal levels.
My advice;
Speak to your Dr about altering your medication
Speak to your partner about the whole intimacy issues (opening up does help)
Refer yourself to therapy
All the best
TruckerM
little_bird TruckerM
Posted
Thank you for your comment. I have talked with him and explained how I feel but didnt tell him that I have lost interest in him these days. Makes me feel guilty.
TruckerM little_bird
Edited
I had a similar experience with my ex girlfriend last year.. and ultimately I had to find out why I had been feeling the way I did.
For me, I fell out of love with her. (Won't go into detail of why I left her)
Deep down you'll know the answer & you have to decide what scares you the most.. Been with him for the rest of your life or been without him?
All the best.
TruckerM
alice05414 little_bird
Posted
hello little birdy, teen-age is such a vulnerable age to go through all this and i am very sorry for what you have been through.....depression is definitely leading to all the issues you are currently dealing with...but you can only find love in others if YOU have it for yourself first.
Give everything else a break and let yourself some breathing space...sort your inner self and escape from the past because you truly deserve it for yourself. Every aspect is directly connected to your mental health.. get involved in productive things like going out, dressing up, make yourself feel special and appreciate your mental and physical strength, discuss with people who care about you, eat healthy and take good sleep. You made it through the harder time, you are definitely going to overcome this =)
Molly345 little_bird
Posted
A simple, non-medicated way to help is doing some light exercise and simple stretching. Depending on how cramped your legs are, stationary cycling may be best as you can lightly spin the pedals with little or no resistance. Walking is okay but wouldn’t be as good since it is weight-bearing. Also, some easy pool exercises with your legs can help as the water can also provide a light massage as you move through it.
With these exercises, the purpose is to get the blood flowing in your legs and keep them loose, preventing them from tightening up any further. After the workout, do some gentle stretching and make sure you stay plenty hydrated as being dehydrated will make it harder for your muscles to recover.
If your legs are too cramped at this point for even gentle exercise, have a hot bath to warm your legs up, and then do some stretching. You can also do some self-massage on your legs. It will also help with getting the blood flowing to your legs and loosen them up.
joshuapryce1987 little_bird
Posted
You have to get closure on the abuse you have suffered and also try (day by day) to forget what happened to you. You can only move onto your future when you let your past go. I wish you all the best.