Depression spike + I can't stop thinking about dying??

Posted , 9 users are following.

I figured the best way to start this is I know death is inevitable. I know it is. Please do not try and reassure me with that because it really just makes this worse.

No matter what I do, I can't distract myself enough to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know if I could call myself suicidal, but the thoughts are there. If I have any dreams at all, they're about me dying in some way. I haven't had a "normal" dream in years. They're brutal, gory, etc, and I wake up as a friggin mess.

I wake up and the first thought in my head is always "oh I have some terminal illness which is why I feel this way". I'm afraid to eat or drink anything in fear it may be poisoned. (I know it's irrational, it's a challenge enough to try.) Recently I've lost my appetite and though I'm incredibly thirsty it's difficult to drink water because when I do I get incredibly nauseous.

My anxiety/stress levels are EXTREMELY high. My depression is getting increasingly worse alongside that, I want to cry but I can't, I have no energy, I have no motivation, I'm just either completely 'empty'/'dead inside' or constantly afraid.

I can easily pinpoint what has the chances of killing me and I always have the thought of "oh I'm gonna die today/tomorrow/the next day" and "oh I won't make it to so and so" and it won't go away and I'm always afraid of it. I'm sure it stemmed from witnessing my father die 9 years ago but I don't know for sure and every medication I've tried for my depression doesn't work or gives me awful side effects. (Which in turn, my brain goes to "you're dying from this"wink

Hell, I got a COMPLIMENT once and my brain decided to--and I'm not exaggerating on this--"they complimented you? you must be dying." and I threw myself into a panic for the rest of the day.

I can barely get myself to do anything, I can't enjoy anything in my life anymore. I'm terrified. And nothing I've tried has helped me. I don't know what to do anymore...

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    As you don't want reassurance, then all I can say is see a Dr, ask for therapy and take it from there. If you don't want to do that, then nothing will change. That's fine if you can learn to accept it.

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  • Posted

    You must have some good and enjoyable moments that you fear losing. Why can't you rest and relax and enjoy the moments that you fear might be taken away. Of course its hard to train yourself to think a certain way or spend less time thinking negatively but you should practice thinking positive thoughts to balance the intrusive thoughts.

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  • Posted

    Can you tell me since when you are facing this problem?
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  • Posted

    Hello cencheri,

    It is unlikely that anything we say is going to make much difference to you. However I can say that all day every day I am convinced that I have a terminal illness, not helped by the fact that I am now the age my mother was when she died of cancer. I* sometimes think the stress of thinking like this alone will shorten my life. My doc wanted me to go for a CT scan to see if my fracture was healing but I wouldn't go incase they found bone cancer. And so it goes on day after day. Nevertheless I do keep going regardless and if I'm honest I can find a lot of joy here and there. You just have to open your heart to it. You are NOT alone

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  • Posted

    I hear you clearly. I think the same way. My daily thoughts in the morning are, oh I'm still here. I don't like myself, there is no help near where we live, and my G.P. is so new and knows nothing about me. My psychiatrist retired six years ago, and there is no one to replace him. Sad, I have no one to help me, listen to me. Our friends son, may God rest his soul, committed suicide on Monday. I went to his wake and he looked at him. He looked so at peace, I wanted him to be where he was at. I have been told by my G.P. if it's consearning mental health, there was no need to come back. Where does one go. I'm even researching via Internet, how can Ido away with myself, and make it look like an accident. I do not want to ruin my husbands chances of receiving my insurance policy. Any where to get help in ON Canada?

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    • Posted

      dear sandy, its almost impossible to commit suicide, and make it look like an accident. when i was in group therapy, my peers always talked about different ways it could be done as to not cause your family the insurance loss. besides, police and investigators usually look into these "accident" situations and are likely to discover the truth. its not worth it. you may suffer from suicidal ideation. i do. its something my thoughts turn to when i feel hopeless about anything. but i know i wont really do it. once i realized it was only 'symptom' of my anxiety and depression, i wasn't so hard on myself. i learned that the thoughts were only a coping mechanism. talk with a councelor about it. its no way to live spending most of your thoughts on ways to end your suffering. there ARE many other coping skills. it really is possible. i wish you peace in your future.

      truly, laura

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  • Posted

    Hi mcncheriem - sorry to read of your situation. Have you thought about regression therapy? Sorta like meditation with a therapist to guide you. There could be other underlying factors besides the death of your father. Regression therapy can help dig out any unconscious elements that are creating this phobia. Or - if you believe in multiple lives - there could be some elements of a past life situation that traumatised you and you have carried the pain into this life, triggered by the event with your father. 
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