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I figured the best way to start this is I know death is inevitable. I know it is. Please do not try and reassure me with that because it really just makes this worse.
No matter what I do, I can't distract myself enough to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know if I could call myself suicidal, but the thoughts are there. If I have any dreams at all, they're about me dying in some way. I haven't had a "normal" dream in years. They're brutal, gory, etc, and I wake up as a friggin mess.
I wake up and the first thought in my head is always "oh I have some terminal illness which is why I feel this way". I'm afraid to eat or drink anything in fear it may be poisoned. (I know it's irrational, it's a challenge enough to try.) Recently I've lost my appetite and though I'm incredibly thirsty it's difficult to drink water because when I do I get incredibly nauseous.
My anxiety/stress levels are EXTREMELY high. My depression is getting increasingly worse alongside that, I want to cry but I can't, I have no energy, I have no motivation, I'm just either completely 'empty'/'dead inside' or constantly afraid.
I can easily pinpoint what has the chances of killing me and I always have the thought of "oh I'm gonna die today/tomorrow/the next day" and "oh I won't make it to so and so" and it won't go away and I'm always afraid of it. I'm sure it stemmed from witnessing my father die 9 years ago but I don't know for sure and every medication I've tried for my depression doesn't work or gives me awful side effects. (Which in turn, my brain goes to "you're dying from this"
Hell, I got a COMPLIMENT once and my brain decided to--and I'm not exaggerating on this--"they complimented you? you must be dying." and I threw myself into a panic for the rest of the day.
I can barely get myself to do anything, I can't enjoy anything in my life anymore. I'm terrified. And nothing I've tried has helped me. I don't know what to do anymore...
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