Depression, Work & Hospital

Hi there,

I was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of October and prescribed Citalopram, was also given sicklines, so was off work for 5 weeks whilst I \"got used to the meds\". During those 5 weeks, I started to feel better in myself and more in control but the week I started back at work, things went downhill fast, my third day back and I was distraught. I was then given some problem work to deal with, which meant I wasn't having to answer the phones all day and so not having to deal with other people ranting about their unpaid invoices (I work in accounts payable). I've always loved problem solving, so this was my ideal job and things began to pick up.

In mid January, I was put back onto normal duties, given my own suppliers to deal with and a huge backlog of work, so as anyone would expect, the calls from irate suppliers came in thick and fast and I was right back to square one, the same situation I was in that day back in October when I couldn't take anymore. People keep on telling me \"it can't get any worse so there's only one way you can go and that's up\" but it has gotten worse.

Last week, I was back at the docs for an update which she'd organised the day before I returned to work. It would have been great to tell her things were better but they're not. After a chat with the doc, she suggested I double the dosage to 40mgs, come back and see her in four weeks and if that hasn't worked she will refer me to hospital. I agreed to try what she suggested, really because I'm anxious as to what to expect at a hospital, so if anyone has any experience of that I would be grateful to hear/read it. She also asked if I was coping with work and housework, told her I would manage but wishing I hadn't said that now.

Thursday, my manager took me aside to ask how things went at the docs, told her about the meds and possible hospital referal, now to any sane person wouldn't that be a sign that things must be pretty bad? Manager told me that my good days far outweighed the bad ones, how the hell she would know that is beyond me and is definately not my experience. Most days I sit in the toilet sobbing really hard hoping nobody will come in and hear me, told her this and she also knows that I spend my days planning my own death. She rambled on about people she knows and how they were unhappy, etc and sorted their lives out, this is someone who always knows somebody who's had whatever you have, suspect it's mostly BS. Anyway, despite me telling her my feelings of despair and my \"deathwish\", the following day she announced that for the next month only two people will be answering the phones whilst the rest of the team work hard to get the backlog down. Well, no prizes for guessing who one of the two is? Yes me! The worst and most stressful part of this job is dealing with these irate people and I will now be doing this all day, everyday for the next month. I told her I wouldn't be able to cope, she replied \"well you do this already\", actually I only do this until 3 o'clock and then the phones are switched off, I live for that time and there's also times throughout the day when I switch a caller onto voicemail because I'm crying and cannot take the calls, something I won't be able to do now.

My manager thinks I should at least try this and if things get that bad then let her know, thing is I have been in a state all weekend just thinking of what this will do to me so things are already \"that bad\". I usually live for the weekends when I can go home and not have to worry about answering the phones but this weekend has been spent planning my death, should I slit my wrists in the toilet at work so they will know they have pushed me over the edge, or should I take an overdose in the car so my daughter won't have to live in a house her mum died in. I really hate being this way, it's like a nightmare that keeps on getting worse and there seems only one way to make this stop.

Sorry for such a long post and wouldn't blame anyone for not reading it all but at least it's stopped me planning things for a bit.

Sandra x

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