Desperate and confused about bowel problems, obsessive and need help

Can anyone relate to this?? Is this OCD or ansimus ( which I’ve been reading about) …ive been told for its IBS but im really no longer convinced. Im so desperate about it im thinking of trying to go private for healthcare around it. Any thoughts would really help

Difficult to know which symptoms come first, cant validate them, name the problem. Feels isolating and disabling but cant be validated as so, so makes me hate myself and feel its my own fault.

Lots of anxiety about going for a poo, the more anxious about it, the more I cant relax the pelvic floor and feels tight and im pushing forcing, because desperate to get it out but the more I push the more the bowel/anus something clenches. can only let out if I have loose poo. I drink strong coffee to make it come out. But even when its loose, its still clams up (spasms?) so even diarrhoea won’t come out.

Symptoms

For what left inside my body are weird uncomfortable sensations – aches, knots/cramps/dragging feelings/ bloating/fullness so don’t want to eat, slight nausea, burning sensations recently causing lower back pain, drained of energy, feel foggy and tired and body feels dirty. Don’t want to eat as loss of appetite also if I do eat it can almost feels like lumps in my tummy – wind smells very bad, but if unable to get the wind out the bloating gets much worse much tighter intensely uncomfortable -in work places going to the toilet every 20 mins feeling desperate to get wind out but clamps up, when I got back and sit down gurgling and moving around, but as soon as try to go to toilet in clamps up, once anxious which I am most of the time, about it I’m in a vicious circle the more desperate I am to get rid of the wind or poo, the more I cant, the more depressed and the more I feel the physical symptoms/sensations. Sometimes feel a sensing of stomaching/feels rubbery. I focus on the sensations. Cant bear to do things like swimming as will show my tummy, doing exercise classes as the wind my come out. Been recently trying to go to a personal trainer, but when wake up with it all feels unbearable

Psychological symptoms

Obsessive about the problem on my mind through out day and evenings, comes out in dreams, anxiety around starts when I get up, feels irritable, dirty, tired, frustrated, despair, desperate, lonely angry with my body and self, can feel suicidal had problems around all this my whole life ( im 46 now) and have fear and anxiety that this is for the rest of my life and is only going to get worse as I get older. Feel very ashamed and can’t explain to anyone really what the problem is. I imagine life with out and seems so much better but can’t see a way out of it.

Affects sex life, getting involved with anyone, feels humiliating, fear of smelling due to constant wind, but if hold it in and be socially acceptable I quite literally look pregnant and feel ashamed of my body the discomfort becomes awful and I just want o go home and lie down to let the wind out

I Can just obsess about the releif of going to the toilet properly. Coffee get some out initially, but once clams up that’s it. Even anus clamped so tight I cant actually let the wind out. My body working against me. At times just cannot face another day of it. The occasional times I go and almost empty, feels so much better, but tends to get more symptoms as day goes on as unable to use public toilets /other people toilets so symptoms reoccur often wind worse as day goes on.

The bloating and pressure causes daily heartburn/reflux, again this effects my eating habits also get big blood sugar drops. Don’t want eat as so uncomfortable as feel full or can feels hungry but don’t want to eat as can than feel so uncomfortable and more bloated and heavy. Sometime when the sensation and fullness suddenly switches to hunger I get shakes and sweats as blood sugar drops. I also sometimes get excessive thirsts and fear of bad breath for the poo inside me

Put pressure on bladder as well aggravates the urge incontinent. Getting into imagining this toxicity/faeces left in body poisoning me, damaging my bowel images of horrible stuff going in my body. Problems there on daily basis, but always more intensified with things like working, new relationship being out in the world more often, lots of fears around working being in an office because of the discomfort and isolation with it.

The last few months have had suicidal thoughts around as I really want to work have been out of work with my mental health for sometime, but just get so scared that I will not be able to cope with these symptoms in the work place… and then I cant see I future.

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