Diagnosed, abandoned and confused.

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I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD in November (on top of my previous diagnoses) and at the same time told I can't be helped. This was after nearly 2 hours of discussing my whole life with a complete stranger. I had overdosed and was given info to refer myself to this place and had made an effort. What made it worse was his reaction to what I had told him about my life, I know it's been constant pain but to hear the shock and someone saying my problems are so complex that they can't help me, them saying they don't understand how I could endure certain things for so so long was like a stab in the heart. It made me feel like I'm more broken than I thought, almost like I've been conditioned to minimise the severity of things (which I obviously see now) it's scary. Since then I just can't deal with professionals and asking for help because of the rejection and disappointment. Actually this has happened twice now.

Anyone else had this kind of experience? I'm finding it hard to start the search again.

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  • Posted

    Hi Kitty, I have no trust through professionals hindering me. I am really struggling with my counsellor now but she does see why. I was treated like a child last week, which made me furious I just barked back at her, I was mid-period, so I wasn't happy any how, this is worsening though, as it reminds me of my shattered past, each month no child, my rapists have won, also I found out that the hospital IVF clinic thought I'd terminated a pregnancy when I was raped and forced to take the morning after pill. You speak to me on my page privately, I'll speak to you.xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Kitty, I have no trust through professionals hindering me. I am really struggling with my counsellor now but she does see why. I was treated like a child last week, which made me furious I just barked back at her, I was mid-period, so I wasn't happy any how, this is worsening though, as it reminds me of my shattered past, each month no child, my rapists have won, also I found out that the hospital IVF clinic thought I'd terminated a pregnancy when I was raped and forced to take the morning after pill. You speak to me on my page privately, I'll speak to you.xx

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  • Posted

    Find a TRAUMA therapist.  A regular therapist made me feel worse, not better.  Also, these books really helped me:

    1. 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships - Adelyn Birch

    2. Narcissists: Break Free From The Narcissist and Psychopath: Escape Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation - Pamela Kole

    3. Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship - Adelyn Birch

    It sounds like you have stuff that's ongoing, and maybe causing you to abuse substances.  You need to know the rights you have now so you can break off and prevent any more abusive relationships.  You also need to know that what happened wasn't your fault.  You had and have a right to be treated like a person, to be treated with kindness and understanding, to say "no" and set your own boundaries.  You are special and you are unique and you deserve the best.  You are normal - almost all of us who have abuse-related PTSD have been trained by our abusers to minimize everything. 

    It is the only way for an abuser to stay in control, so they try damned hard to break us in every way and act like what they are doing is normal and act like if we opened up about it to anyone, it would be shameful.  They train us like that so it is harder for us to break away and get help.  You are normal.  I feel that way all the time, and countless other people on forums constantly validate my feelings by saying they feel crazy - but they do and feel the exact same things I do!!!  Please try to get better.  Please minimize the substance use - because I care about you and I want you to be safe and healthy.  I know it's easier sometimes to hide behind a substance, especially when you don't have a prescription and you have a lot of other mental issues going on - I've been there.  Wean down off it if it's addictive, and then pick up something to take its place.  Maybe regular healthy exercise - that was the only thing that stopped my flashbacks for a while when I was still constantly being triggered.  And please get safe - it sounds like you've been through a lot of abuse and some of it is still ongoing - get out of any ongoing situation that is even remotely bad for you, even if you have to pick up and move back to a relative's house.

    I didn't even know that my boyfriend, who I thought was good for me, was contributing to my PTSD until I got out and moved back home.  I always thought my parents were the bad guys - but then I read those books and realized my boyfriend was abusive and was actively triggering my PTSD - ON PURPOSE.  In a single week after moving out, my mental health got ten times better.  At the end of the month, I weaned off my medication because I didn't need it anymore.  

    Environment is everything.  Don't ever be around people who do drugs, because they will pull you back down with them.  Don't ever be around people who trigger your PTSD or any other mental issues, because right now you might not be able to see clearly how bad everyone around you is. <3  Please feel better. <3

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  • Posted

    Hi Kitty. That "professional" you're talking about is completely wrong. You can be helped!! You are helping yourself right now by reaching out and talking about your difficulties. On top of that, you are helping other people who have been through similar circumstances and feel all alone. And it doesn't matter if that dude can understand how you have survived what you did or not … the fact is YOU HAVE SURVIVED! A big thumbs up, high five, fist bump, etc, etc. to you. Don't give up now.

    My name is Luke. I'm 61 years old. I grew up on an isolated cattle ranch in the western USA with no where to run and no one to turn to. I was repeatedly abused physically, emotionally and sexually. In those days I had no way of knowing that the way my parents acted was out of the ordinary. I blamed it all on myself and thought that the way I was treated was because I was a horrible, disgusting kid. I have had a death wish most of my life. I have abused alcohol and drugs. When I was in my teens and twenties I lived a very dangerous lifestyle which almost caused my wish to come true on several occasions. Now I'm glad my death wish wasn't granted.

    I have seen several therapist. One was okay, two or three I hated and one helped me immensely. So it seems to me that finding a therapist that is right for you is kind of a hit and miss proposition. Now I regularly attend CoDA meetings where I can meet face to face with ordinary people who have been through similar things as me. It is helping me a lot and at least now I don't have to feel so alone.

    Everything is not perfect - I still have bad days when I feel like I'm right back where I started. I've been prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication to help me cope. I believe the Universe is on my side and for all life-forms when we're not trying to self-destruct. Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is congratulate myself for surviving all I have and to keep moving forward one step at a time, one moment at a time.

     

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