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I was sexually assaulted when I was 19 (I'm about to be 25) but I never report it because I was ashamed and guilty. I suppressed this incident as much as possible when I noticed it has affected me in many ways. I cannot have a physical exam or pap smear because as the doctor inserts the speculum I feel horrible pain and get anxiety attacks. Recently, I tried to get one with a female doctor only to increase my trauma. Days prior to the appointment I was crying, panicking, and could not sleep. On the day, I had brought my fiance to come in with me well the doctor thought it was funny and asked " Are there other people you want to see this show?" Very nervous I got into position when she quickly tried to insert the speculum. I screamed and cried, feeling extreme pain as if knives were coming inside my vagina. She tried once more and she irritated said" This is smaller than his dick(referring to my fiance) have you been raped?! I was so embarrased and humuliated and she also added, " If you cannot handle this simple procedure imagine child birth" I left crying and now my trauma increased because not only do i not trust doctors but now Im afraid of pregnancy because of the pain that I will not be able to tolerate. I am currently seeking help from a therapist to face these fears and hopefully one day be able to get a papsmear/ physical. I share this because I hope to find someone who is on the same boat or surpassed this obstacle.
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