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Didn't disclose

Posted , 3 users are following.

Kimmr
Kimmr

This is such a horrible thing I've done. I'm just writing to talk to someone. I was diagnosed several years ago now. It was a crisis to my life when it happened and i had such a hard time with it at first. I've only had a few relationships since then. I have done a lot of healing work and I rarely have outbreaks. Can't remember the last one. Maybe a year or longer ago. The trouble with that is that I kind of start to forget that I have it. In one way that is a miracle and so good that I don't feel horrible all the time but the other way is that I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I think deep down I feel so wronged and ashamed that I ever got it that I don't want to deal with it. I recently started dating someone. Things escalated sexually so fast. I thought there was no way we were going to have sex this soon we both tslked about waiting. But we were so attracted to each other. So I had been telling myself we aren't ready to have sex so I can wait to have the talk. Well things got so heated tonight we were having so much fun and made dinner together. I thought about 'the talk' earlier in the night but again I said to myself we aren't going to have sex tonight. But damn it that was so selfish of me. So so selfish. I guess it's become not such a huge horrible deal in my life anymore, But that doesn't mean it isn't for someone else. So anyway it got so heated and I honestly forgot In the moment. That is the truth. He went inside me for a few seconds and then I remembered and stopped us. Honestly I guess I've been in denial because I didn't feel that bad right after. I just knew we needed to stop so he wouldn't get it. I felt really happy to be with him. And we finished without intercourse and were happy. I felt like I had done ok. Stopped us. And then I was laying there and I thought I need to tell him. It was only a few seconds but I need to tell him. And he freaked out. He's right and I feel like a piece of sh*t. He got really angry and left. I sincerely apologized and cried and hugged him (It had hit me then what I had done) And then after about a half an hour I called him and I said there is no excuse I'm so sorry and I will pay for anything and go with him if he wanted me to or I would just leave him alone if that's what he wants and I kept trying to tell him that the chances are so slim for him to get it but Maybe my thinking is like that because an ex boyfriend really thought that way and it was not a big deal to him. Well this new guy feels so differently. I'm horrible. And I'm sad. There is not much I can do now. I really hope he doesn't get it. 

He he doesn't believe me that I forgot in the moment. He felt like I was arguing with him when I kept telling him that. It's the truth tho. And I was saying it hoping it would help in someway explain that I didn't just say f*ck it. But anyway there is no excuse. It's so weird to have this disease. And again I feel really bad and really sad. 

1 like, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • gijane
    gijane Kimmr

    Posted

    Dear kimmr I'm only glad that I'm not alone in this.  My first post on this site was for the exact same reason.  I haven't had an outbreak in more then a year and it's been like that For years now. I can even say that I don't know if they are out breaks or me being paranoid.  Anywho I did the same thing.  I met a guy and we just had mad chemistry.  We talked 2months over the phone and when we finally got together everything just happened so fast.  I did worse then you because all my past relationships those guys accepted it and I never gave it to them. Just based on my history I know I'm not a carrier for spreading the virus so I let things go way longer then I should have.  I told him after the 7th time we had sex and yeah feeling like dog dookie wasn't at all the worst of it.  He blew up stopped talking to me for a while.  I did my best to say sorry and educate him.  Then I confided in a good friend that also reminded me that it takes 2 to Tango.  He had just as much responsibility in putting on a condom then you asking him to.  Oddly enough this guy came back around after a month had unprotected sex of his free will and then he freaked out again because he felt an itch.  Lol I don't mean to laugh but if someone says this is what I have and that person willingly does the same thing how can they be mad? 

    I'm happy to report after much argument that he finally went to the doctor.  He was tested and the results were negative.  The reason I'm telling you this is because usually not always  but usually a person with little to no outbreaks is not the likely person to spread this so easily. Of course as all the research States that's not proven but like myself I believe in facts and history/experience only I know my body and the history of relationships I've had with out spreading this. 

    I know you can feel like dirt for a while but it will pass guys need time to process things.  My friend bet me this guy would come back and it took a month but he did.  He was of course added to my list of just not the right one.  Stay positive and keep moving forward.  And if he really liked you give him space and time. He'll decide if he wants to come back. 

    • Kimmr
      Kimmr gijane

      Posted

      Ps. I'm still learning the site. I guess I responded back to myself when I was writing you back. Hope you can see it. 
  • Kimmr
    Kimmr

    Posted

    Gijane

    thank you so much for responding. You are like a lifeline. I didn't sink into that hole of dispair today. Even tho I was sad and felt bad, I still showed up for my life and saw people. I got invited out with some friends this morning so I went and then went for a slow hike out in the desert tonight. I've had some waves of sadness and being scared or angry at myself but I'm ok. 

    It helps to hear your story. Yeah I've never given it to anyone either.  I had cold sores or fever blisters when I was younger and never get them anymore either. I've heard that if your body has already fought the virus it's much better at fighting it. 

    With the this guy we also talked over the phone. He went out of town for a while right after we met, so yes the chemistry was so intense after that. And He's a good guy.  I've learned a lesson. I will never do that again. And I'm grateful that it is such a rare chance that he will get it.

    I hope he doesn't freak out for too long, I know how hard that is... even if he stays mad at me, the fact that it's so unlikely he'll get it eases my mind some. That's most important. I missed him today but I just need to respect him and like you said, his process and anger etc. Who knows if he will forgive me or come back around I just have to do better next time. And like you said I will keep moving forward. I like how you said the list of just not the right one... So I'll just have to see if he's on that or not and give it some time. 

    Thanks agsin. 

    • Kimmr
      Kimmr

      Posted

      Gijane...

      one more thing. He's 32 and never had an std test. So he really has no idea and He didn't say anything about a condom either and so I know it's not just my responsibility i hope he can see that too. I know I'm in the wrong but like you said it takes two 

  • gijane
    gijane Kimmr

    Posted

    Hey there again glad I was a little helpful.  You know About that last comment you made.  At 32 without being tested your guy is living in a denial type mind frame.  Meaning he thinks it can't happen to him.  My guy was the same and when he came back (Free of will & did the same thing) he told me later he just pretended I didn't say that.  Be open to all the possibilities & direction your relationship goes in.  Make sure he really accepts the virus & doesn't just say he does. It will save you the heart ache later if he comes back and if he gets weirded out again. Trust me I know. Give it time be patient.  If it's meant to be it will be. 
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