Digging my Hole Deeper

QA, The only thing I can tell you is do you still have any time at all to get the minutes where they need to go. If so get help if you have to. If not all I can tell you is to sit back and take it from the boss. I'm sure everyone has made mistakes including me at work. I wish that would be the only depression I would face because of work. Just tell him/her you are sorry, try to explain what happened and tell him/her it won't happen again. Don't worry about it because it will be over.

Thanks Pat.

I used to be fine at work. Getting everything done on time exactly how they want. Last year I had a bit of bullying from somone I was a PA to and I started to question everything I was doing for them. Nothing was good enough until I found that I needed to be told exactly what they wanted to the letter before I would even attempt it. After that I couldn't take it any more becasue I was being criticised for taking my time and just broke down in work after being moaned at about something little. I was off for 3 months. Since I've been back at work this is the first time I've done this and I haven't felt that anxious in about a year.

I know there are people with worse issues than what I go through at work, even I think my issues are trivial and I apologise if I've annoyed anyone for causing my own grief and posting about it, but the thing about depression is it can make something seem huge when it isn't and I guess I felt I needed help. I've calmed down a bit now. It is on its way to being sorted and I just want to be home and relax. I actually have an interview tomorrow for another job so I might not be in this one for much longer anyway.

Thanks

I dont think Pat meant it how it maybe came across.I understand why its made you feel this way,but no problem is trivial if it causes you upset,it doesnt matter how small it is.My GP once told me ,stress and depression is like a bucket.All your problems go into this bucket but when its full the smallest drop will make it overflow.This was a GP I had 20 years ago and it has always stuck with me.It makes you understand why when you are depressed you lose all sense of perspective and can burst into tears at the silliest thing.Do not belittle yourself or your own emotions,they matter because they matter to you.Regarding your work,I dont think any fallout will be as bad as you are likely to be imagining.You have made a mistake because you suffer with depression and you hope if you ignore things they will somehow go away.I know,I have been there.My depression was caused by my work,and I think the job I had for 20 years has probably damaged me for life.They are a large company and every time I see their vans,it brings bad memories back,even though I left 5 years ago.So I completely understand why you are upset and why you feel the way you do.Just remember if you have already been off sick with depression your employers have a responsibility to support you,and if they dont they leave themselves open to trouble.And think whats the worst that can happen-nobody is going to die as a result of your mistake and it will soon be forgotten about.I would also be honest with your boss and say how anxious this has made you feel.Take care and good luck,I will be thinking of you

Thanks Teresa. Sorry if my post came across a bit defensive Pat. I didn't actually think you were annoyed by me but it made me realise that what I put could be seen as not as urgent as some others problems.

I think your GP hit the nail on the head with that, teresa. a good way of putting it. I think you'll heal in time. It's just a bad relationship that you've got out of.

My problem with work has just got me into more trouble to be honest. I'm on something like a report which has targets I need to meet. If I dont then I go to the next stage. I'm on stage 3 out of 4. If I dont pass stage 4 then I'm out.

I've tried with this job for so long I think i've lost the will to even try to perform at my best. I've always said if I'm happy I feel like I can do anything, problem is i'm not completely happy in the job and feel like I cant give everything.

Confidence is a major thing for me. If I have it then I'm great, I just find it too easy to lose confidence, especially after last year. I've always been the same though. My dad wasn't exactly supportive of anything when I was a kid, still isn't in fact. He wasn't just strict with me, he made me feel useless and made me repeat it back to him when ever he told me I was. Since then I think whenever I come across someone remotely strict with me I find it impossible to do everything they ask of me. If I do anything wrong then I believe its my fault straight away and lose confidence. I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be. The thought of talking to somone I didn't know used to make me break out in a sweat and panic. I can generally manage my life quite well now, but every now and then I come across somone who makes me feel like he did. Not very good when it's my boss.

Belive it or not, I'm not actually a moody as this reply sounds. I just read it back to myself. Hope you're doing well Teresa. I'll let you know how everything goes.

Targets and reports with stages and then you are out.That is just what my job was all about,however my company were forced to pay out at a tribunal as they didnt take my depression into account even though they knew about it.So companies do have to be more careful nowadays.Although I have found it difficult to move on,I do not regret not working for that company anymore.The problem is I went into a another job which was the same type of job ie call centre sales.The second job finished me off and they medically retired me.Unfortunately now,I am signed off by my GP as he doesnt feel I can work at all at the moment.Leaving the house is an issue.I am getting treatment so I just think I have suffered for so long that its going to be a long road to recovery.Luckily I have supportive parents,my partner sometimes struggles to understand but he tries his best,and my GP is the best ever,I dont think I would be around now without him.I turned to alcohol and drank to excess for years but my GP helped me kick the habit and I have now been teetotal for 2 years.That has resulted in a 5 stone weight loss which has helped slightly with my confidence.

I think its disgusting how you were treated by your dad,I wonder what his own upbringing was like,not that that is an excuse.

At least you have us to talk to and I dont think your first post was defensive.

Let me know how things go.

Sorry QA, I didn't mean to make light or be insensitive do your situation. I did leave out one consideration is the depression itself. Yes, I agree with your other replies and get yourself to your GP or other professional. Good luck and take care.

It's ok Pat, you didn't. Don't worry about it. I wasn't offended or anything like that. I was more worried that I offended you. Think it was just crossed wires or something. Thanks for your reply though.