Posted , 6 users are following.
Hey, sorry I know I have posted on here a few times, but there is just so much I want help with, and because I am normally in a different frame of mind each time I post, something different I want help with pops into my head. So thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.
I have been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression. I am on 200mg of sertraline and go to therapy and am waiting for my CBT and psychiatrist appointments. Recently Borderline Personality Disorder has been thrown my way, first my councillor (I don't go anymore though), and my best friend and my mum have all mentioned it. Ill list my symptoms and any advice would be greatly appreciated, Thank you.
Firstly my moods are so unstable and change a million times a day, with no known triggers as of yet.
I cut myself (although am trying extremely hard to stop, and so far nearly 2 weeks without!)
I am petrified of being left alone, abandoned. I fear when my boyfriend leaves the house I will never see him again. I think he is ether dead or left me for someone else.
I was sexually abused as a child by a very close family member. No one in my family know because if I say anything I know my mum wont believe me, my dad might, my little brother will be in between and WALAH....I have wrecked my family as usual. So I am torn between keeping this horrible secret in the box in my head and feeling like this forever, or I could try and live with the fact I have ripped my family to shreds and have no one. So this is kinda ruling my brain at the moment. My dad was also a heaver drinker, and got quite agrresive. I used to sit downstair with him so when he got angry I would get it rather than him going upstair to my mum or brothers. I have always been protective of my mum and little brother.
Sorry back to the point, I feel empty most of the time, and when I don't feel empty I feel anger or worry or guilt or panic or fear. I cant focus. I am always thinking people are out to get me and I deserve it, My boyfriend is the most fantastic amazing person one minute, then the next I despise him. I bang my head off of things, pull my hair, nip and scratch my skin and hit myself if I get worked up, this can be sudden change of plans, That I have overslept, I haven't cleaned everything properly, anything. I fear not being in control. I NEED to be in control of things or im a mess. Not like I have to control my boyfriends every move or anything like that, more like I have to be in control of MY life. I need to have things done in order, my towels have to be perfectly straight, I cant leave the house before IM ready, everything HAS to go to plan. If any of this doesn't happen I freak out. I literally freak out, I scream and shout or throw things or hurt myself or hit things or rip my hair out or bang my head off a wall, or, I will crawl into bed, curl up and cry myself to sleep.
I fear everyone will give up on me and I will end up alone.
I also sometimes think that people are watching me through cameras that have been planted in my house.
I always just thought this was part of my ocd anxiety and depression.
Does anyone have any advice?
Is it what I have or might I also have BPD?
Thank you x
0 likes, 8 replies