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Hello. My question is about whether or not you think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm going to share some of my symptoms and details about my childhood.
I'll start with some background information about my family. A lot of my aunts (and my father) I've noticed have terrible mood swings and are quick to anger. Very quick. Their emotions seem a lot more intense. One of my aunts will be crying and then laughing and then angry all while I'm having a conversation with her. It feels like a rollercoaster.
Growing up, my dad had extreme anger issues. If I spilled a glass of milk, I was screamed at. I began to feel very worthless at a young age because of this. My dad emotionally abused me, my mom abused alcohol (and still does) and shes been abusive more now than in the past. My brothers emotionally and physically abused me. Because of this, I started to become a very angry child. At the ages of 10, 11, and 12, I was acting like a 5 year old. I threw tantrums. I had mood swings. I would put holes in the walls and doors because I was so angry. Everything set me off.
Even today, I am set off by the smallest things. If my brother said something that slightly annoyed me, I might hit him. I feel like I'm always on edge. I get frustrated when my mom even speaks to me sometimes. I also am very quick to anger with my best friend. Some days I might love him to death, others I feel like I hate him. I recently got a message from someone criticizing me and telling me to go get a job to fix my family's situation. I went off on them. I was so angry. They assumed so many things about me and about my situation. I do not respond well to criticism.
I have mood swings. I will be severly upset and crying because of something small that set me off and 5 minutes later I will be fine. Or, something will make me angry and I'll be okay in a few minutes. My friend criticized me and I was literally in tears and a few mintues later I felt okay and a few more minutes later I got really angry. I kept thinking , "why would you say that to me?"
Other times, I will think about my life and the past and I will begin crying. It seems like I can't let go of certain things. In a few minutes though, I will be fine.
I also think I have anxiety. When I am not invited to things or my friends make plans without me, I think that they hate me. If someone doesn't reply back or replies very late to me through text messages, I think that they hate me. Whenever I am sad and I make posts about it, I start to get anxious when none of my friends message me to see if I am alright. I worry that they don't care about me or they hate me. I need constant reassurance. I have a constant desire for affection and attention but I sit and wait for it to happen and for someone to message me first and I get angry when no one messages me after 5 minutes. I start to wonder if anyone really cares about me.
Upon meeting someone, I may share every little detail with them and gradually lose trust in them. I have trust issues, yet I still do stupid things like that when I meet people. Eventually I stop sharing details with them and I may even stop talking to them for no reason at all. I want attention and love from people, but at the same time I want everyone out of my business and I want them to go away because I don't trust people.
I have so many emotions. I am so sensitive. I notice when people begin to lose interest in me. I freak out about it.
I have chronic feelings of emptiness, boredom, and loneliness. It tears me apart. I start to space out. If I'm alone for too long, this will happen. It sucks to only feel like you are a person when you're with other people and when you're alone there's just nothing inside you.
I feel like I have no personality. I don't know what I'm like. I feel like I act differenly depending on who I am with. I feel lost when I am not with friends.
I feel like I'm making this all up in my head.
I get anxious over the thought of people forgetting about me or abandoning me. I feel like I am easily forgotten. I feel very inferior to everyone else. I constantly get jealous and I feel like others are better than me. I get very jealous when my best friend hangs out with other people.
Sometimes I do risky things for attention or affection. Sometimes I feel like I want horrible things to happen to me because I deserve it and because I will get attention.
My relationships with people tend to change quickly and often, one minute I may trust them, the next I don't at all. One minute I feel like they care, the next I feel like they don't. I need constant validation.
Do I have BPD? I really, truly feel like I do.
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