Do I have BPD?

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Hello. My question is  about whether or not you think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm going to share some of my symptoms and details about my childhood.

I'll start with some background information about my family. A lot of my aunts (and my father) I've noticed have terrible mood swings and are quick to anger. Very quick. Their emotions seem a lot more intense. One of my aunts will be crying and then laughing and then angry all while I'm having a conversation with her. It feels like a rollercoaster.

Growing up, my dad had extreme anger issues. If I spilled a glass of milk, I was screamed at. I began to feel very worthless at a young age because of this. My dad emotionally abused me, my mom abused alcohol (and still does) and shes been abusive more now than in the past. My brothers emotionally and physically abused me. Because of this, I started to become a very angry child. At the ages of 10, 11, and 12, I was acting like a 5 year old. I threw tantrums. I had mood swings. I would put holes in the walls and doors because I was so angry. Everything set me off.

Even today, I am set off by the smallest things. If my brother said something that slightly annoyed me, I might hit him. I feel like I'm always on edge. I get frustrated when my mom even speaks to me sometimes. I also am very quick to anger with my best friend. Some days I might love him to death, others I feel like I hate him. I recently got a message from someone criticizing me and telling me to go get a job to fix my family's situation. I went off on them. I was so angry. They assumed so many things about me and about my situation. I do not respond well to criticism. 

I have mood swings. I will be severly upset and crying because of something small that set me off and 5 minutes later I will be fine. Or, something will make me angry and I'll be okay in a few minutes. My friend criticized me and I was literally in tears and a few mintues later I felt okay and a few more minutes later I got really angry. I kept thinking , "why would you say that to me?"

Other times, I will think about my life and the past and I will begin crying. It seems like I can't let go of certain things. In a few minutes though, I will be fine.

I also think I have anxiety. When I am not invited to things or my friends make plans without me, I think that they hate me. If someone doesn't reply back or replies very late to me through text messages, I think that they hate me. Whenever I am sad and I make posts about it, I start to get anxious when none of my friends message me to see if I am alright. I worry that they don't care about me or they hate me. I need constant reassurance. I have a constant desire for affection and attention but I sit and wait for it to happen and for someone to message me first and I get angry when no one messages me after 5 minutes. I start to wonder if anyone really cares about me. 

Upon meeting someone, I may share every little detail with them and gradually lose trust in them. I have trust issues, yet I still do stupid things like that when I meet people. Eventually I stop sharing details with them and I may even stop talking to them for no reason at all. I want attention and love from people, but at the same time I want everyone out of my business and I want them to go away because I don't trust people.

I have so many emotions. I am so sensitive. I notice when people begin to lose interest in me. I freak out about it.

I have chronic feelings of emptiness, boredom, and loneliness. It tears me apart. I start to space out. If I'm alone for too long, this will happen. It sucks to only feel like you are a person when you're with other people and when you're alone there's just nothing inside you.

I feel like I have no personality. I don't know what I'm like. I feel like I act differenly depending on who I am with. I feel lost when I am not with friends.

I feel like I'm making this all up in my head.

I get anxious over the thought of people forgetting about me or abandoning me. I feel like I am easily forgotten. I feel very inferior to everyone else. I constantly get jealous and I feel like others are better than me. I get very jealous when my best friend hangs out with other people.

Sometimes I do risky things for attention or affection. Sometimes I feel like I want horrible things to happen to me because I deserve it and because I will get attention. 

My relationships with people tend to change quickly and often, one minute I may trust them, the next I don't at all. One minute I feel like they care, the next I feel like they don't. I need constant validation.

Do I have BPD?  I really, truly feel like I do.  

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Maddy. 

    I believe you may, indeed, have a form of BPD but that's not the most important thing. 

    Because it's now late at night I'm going to giive some quick tips and later come back to you if you don't mind. Hopefully meanwhile more people will also come here with good avice. 

    It seems to me that you need one 2 one therapy sessions and the best type of therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Google it and you'll find some info. 

    I also believe you'd also benefit (at the same time) from engaging in a support group. Depending on where you are (UK, right?) see if in the link below you can find something for you:

    http://emotionsanonymous.org/ or search for coda-uk

    Thirdly it seems to me that you'd benefit from some spiritual practice (meditation?) and finally from having somethimg that you really love to do as job. 

    Sleep well. Take care. Teresa.

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  • Posted

    Hi maddy,

    I remember when I was younger I had that feeling of not wanting to be alone, although by nature I am quite a loner. I thought to myself, I am a loner who can't stand to be alone. And I thought for a long time I had bpd. But from the effect of the medication, I can tell that actually I had depression, and the stress of the depression gave me bpd symptoms. Now that I am medicated, I really think I am not bpd. 

    I had a big problem with anger. And without meds I would be angry all the time. But I think I am different from you because my mood was constantly bad, I didn't come in and out of it. 

    I am sorry for your family problems and experiences. But I noticed that you have friends, you are able to maintain friendships. I think that's pretty positive. 

    I can tell by how you wrote that you have been researching bpd symptoms and see yourself in them. I think you can probably trust yourself. You know yourself and your feelings better than anyone else can. I hope you can get therapy and practise detachment. 

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    • Posted

      How can I identify whether it is depression or BPD? I have been researching BPD for nearly two weeks now. Part of me thinks I have it, but part of me is scared it could easily be something else. I'm not sure. All I know is i've had these mood swings and anger issues since I was young. 

      I also related to nearly all BPD symptoms. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Maddy,

      Again, I want to say good on you for doing this research, and for being open to the diagnosis. And for being honest with yourself about your anger issues. That took me a long time!

      You are an individual, a unique person. The labels are really for the doctors to help them decide how to try to treat you. If I were you,  I would start to try to find a good psychiatrist. 

      I have had very good results from medications myself, but other people have different stories. So it's up to you, with your psychiatrist's advice, to try them or not.  Definitely, I hope you can find therapy. Online, telephone, in person, group, whatever you can find.

      I want to offer you a word of caution, about psychiatrists and therapists. There are good ones and bad ones, and you have to use your judgement. I think I have often been unwise in trusting particular doctors, because I wanted parental figures and was used to parental figures who were deluded and abusive. I have learned to follow different instincts with doctors - simple kindness, clarity and good communication is important for me. 

      You are on a good path now, a difficult one, but a good one. Best of luck to you. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Maddy,

      let me try to answer: BPD means emotional dysregulation at the core and that there are extremes of emotion on a rooller coaster mode that prevent someone to have good judgement on problems, relationships, etc. If you were raised by people like that you'll likely have it because it was  imprinted in your brain as you were growing up. It's a form of conditioning. 

      If it was depression you'be be down, flat, numb, sad, don't take shower, don't care about anything, etc.

      If you were bi-polar (now it's in fashion) you'd have ups and downs but for longer periods like 2 weeks crazy energetic then 2 months flat low can't get out of bed, etc.

      There's loads of info online but  Marsha Linehan is the creator of  Dialectical Behavior Therapy and she's an absolute expert on the subject. There's info and videos you can watch online. I'll send some other links for to see if it strikes a chord.

      Take care. T

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    • Posted

      I forgot to add that BPDs often cut or practise other form of self-harming.  

      I would also second Jennifer's opinion on therapist or psychiatrist: you want 1 word not 2 lol, meaning psychotherapist not psycho therapist. 

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  • Posted

    If anyone else could offer their input I would greatly appreciate it. 
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