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Do you ever stop thinking about it? Does it ever go away for good?

Posted , 3 users are following.

elaine16260
elaine16260

Hi, I'm new to this forum.

Recovering from a mephadrone addiction which was the tail end of many years of drug abuse (mainly cocaine). I've been clean since March 14th 2014 but still it's in my thoughts & dreams.

My question to others recovering... when will it stop?!?!

I'm not even sure which part of the whole dirty sordid thing I miss (I'm now a mum to a gorgeous baby girl & not a tragic 30something sat with my "friends" and "boyfriends" sniffing my life away) all i know is that i do miss something.

Would love to hear your thoughts. xx

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • annie1963
    annie1963 elaine16260

    Posted

    Your message caught my eye because I have been clean/sober since March 13, 2014.  My drugs of choice were certain prescriptions and alcohol.  I still take medications, but not the ones I was abusing.  I know from having 12 and a half years of sobriety before that, you can live without the constant cravings, eventually.  Some people say it takes many years for them.  For me, the first time it was only alcohol, and I only binged on weekends, so it was easy.  But I changed all my friends and dove head first into AA.  This time was a very different trip.  It's been over a year and I still want that feeling of nothingness.  The pills and the alcohol masked all the pain, anxiety, stress, regret, remorse, all that crap we did it for to start with.  The times I think about it the most are when I am alone and in my head.  Doing things for others, or being out doing things WITH others helps keep my mind off that horrible trip I want to take.  Like you said, 'I'm not even sure which part of the whole dirty sordid thing I miss".  The answer to your original question depends on who you ask.  So maybe you can get a lot of opinions here and someone may have a nugget of information that clicks for you.  I wish you the best. 
    • elaine16260
      elaine16260 annie1963

      Posted

      Thankyou both Annie & Daniel for your replies.

      I feel I need to elaborate on my situation. I used many drugs for years & was still able to function at work, with my family, I had it under control. Even heavy cocaine use didn't stop me from appearing to be a 'normal' drug free person. Then I had a line of mephadrone & that all changed. I loved how it made me feel & I enjoyed losing all control but I ended up taking it too far. I would stay on binges for 5, 6, 7 days without sleep or food. The people I did it with including my dealer would look after me or so I thought. I was the only female in a large group of men because for a long time I was almost my dealers pet, he took me everywhere with him, we had a very strange & intense relationship (never sexual) it was intoxicating & dangerous but we both liked it. Then, we parted ways & I went down a very dark path. I no longer had the protection I did with him & people started to take advantage. My usage increased & I started to fit with each 1 getting worse & worse but I honestly didn't care if it killed me. The last fit almost did.

      Around a month after my last fit I found out I was pregnant, something i'd wanted for years so, I went cold turkey. Stopped it all. My last line was March 14th & I found out I was pregnant March 17th. I stopped sniffing, smoking & drinking but only because I came clean to my GP & got professional support during pregnancy & after birth. I couldn't have done it any other way. I also had 2 courses CBT & eventually made the decision to tell my mum EVERYTHING and that was a huge relief. I cut all ties including with my daughter's dad who I now hear is using heroin so that was a good call.

      Now things have settled down i'm starting to feel depression, isolation & anxiety, stuff that my old lifestyle took away. My prescription meds have had to be changed so I'm experiencing withdrawals & adjustment. My daughter was enough to make me stop but I can't shake the memories because I do have some good ones. I don't feel like me or look like me anymore.

      Sorry if i'm ranting but it does feel good to get things written down! I appreciate you taking the time to read xx

    • annie1963
      annie1963 elaine16260

      Posted

      You sound fairly young,so I will tell you again, try to find some local face to face support group.  I know its tough, and you don't have to do ANYTHING but just go and listen. I do that now when I am about to crawl out of my skin and it helps.  I ignore the God and praying comments, but there are lots of people out there that do the same.  You can go to a psych doc and they have group therapy but usually it comes with a pricetag.  Support group meetings are free.  If you don't have the time for that, online groups are there as well, like this forum.. I have used this more than I ever imagined.  I like it better because no one is trying to make me pray or listen to things that don't really apply to me.  Life will get better..
    • elaine16260
      elaine16260 annie1963

      Posted

      I have looked into support groups but the thought of face to face meetings scares me. I have joined several forums because as I've said it helps me to write things down & actually communicate with people who are going through similar things to me. My friends are there for me & listen to me but I'm not sure they fully understand what an addiction is like. They tell me that I'm doing great & sympathise with the way I'm feeling but I can't help thinking that they secretly think I should be over it by now & that I'm pathetic for still needing to bring it up. They were able to keep their drug use to recreational unfortunately I wasn't.

      It's a daily battle that I manage to disguise pretty well. I'm sure you & many others do the same.

      Onwards and upwards!

    • annie1963
      annie1963 elaine16260

      Posted

      We disguise it very well, otherwise we couldn't have taken it so far!!  No one that has been into it as deep as you have would ever think you should be 'over it'.  You never really get 'over it'. its part of who you are.  Remembering the BAD parts keep you from repeating it.  The romanticizing the GOOD parts are what make some people never recover.  Thats what I meant about learning things from the support of others.  I tried it on my own with no support and soon forgot the bad times  because I had no one to remind me or help me. Back then, I lasted about 5 months and drank again.  If you can find even ONE person online that was into the same thing and went to the same depths and is recovering or has long term recovery, talk to them and see what worked, it might help. 
    • elaine16260
      elaine16260 annie1963

      Posted

      What you say makes a lot of sense to me. You're exactly right. My parents had no clue that I was a drug user. In all fairness I didn't look like you imagine a stereotypical drug abuser to be. I'm feminine and back then i was blonde, petite. I'm educated & well spoken and I come from a loving family. Many of the men I used with were brought up in drug circles and didn't know anything else. They didn't finish school, had criminal records from young ages... on reflection we were a funny looking bunch!

      I'm 36 years old, my friends are generally my age or older, I just get the feeling that they think I should know better by now.

      I'll continue doing what I'm doing it seems to work for now. You hit the nail on the head with the word you used... I do 'romanticise' about the good when if I thought about the bad things that happened because of my actions it would be enough to deter me forever.

      Thanks again x

  • daniel19546
    daniel19546 elaine16260

    Posted

    It will pass Elaine. I am not going to tell you my whole life story but it's a very good read. To shorten it up I was close to death and just stopped after years of abuse. Best thing I ever did and dont dream or even think about it as far as the craves go. Never did AA CA  or GOD. I think that is all BS. I did it myself and it wasnt as hard as you may think my friend. Just cowboy up, get on the horse and ride. Life is great without any thing you think you cant control. You have a family now which should be quite enough to say say good riddence. I'm glad I went to those dark alleys in my life which makes me appreceiate where I am now. You can do it. Dont dwell on what you did, think about whats around the corner which is a whole new and beautiful life full of bright skys and happy days. NOW, GET ON WITH IT!
  • annie1963
    annie1963 elaine16260

    Posted

    Also, in AA I learned a lot about addiction and the tricks the mind plays on you.  As for the GOD thing, I never really got that because of my own personal beliefs.  I have heard of people just 'cowboying up" as the other guy said, but without some support and education, you could be doomed to fall back into old habits.  I didn't even KNOW HOW to 'cowboy up".  I tried it cold turkey and was as baffled as you are right now.  I had to have support.  Nowadays the internet gives us instant access to almost everything, so it may be easier.  Good luck!!
    • daniel19546
      daniel19546 annie1963

      Posted

      Your right Annie. I didnt need support and for most it's very important. I was lucky. I do hve my beliefs and God does play a big part in my life but I didnt go there. When I went cold I just did it. Sure it was'nt easy but I put it in the back of my mind. I pressed on with my daily duties and supported those who needed me. Cowboy up I guess was not the right thing to say but what I meant was to be strong and put your mind in a different place when you feel the urge. I wish all thise with this problem and hope for the best outcome. I am sure Elaine is loved and supported but she must have mind control over this. The brain can play tricks but if you disregard and move on it will be taken care of. Exercise was also a BIG part of my sucess. GOOD LUCK ELAINE and thanks Annie for your support.
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