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I perhaps should have wrote this a long time ago, but things are coming to an inpass and I need to write this down and see if I'm going crazy or not.
I'm a 33 year old male, in a full time job, and enjoy what I'm doing very much. I don't feel pressurised by what I do there at all and am confident that I deliver - all except in one area (which I'll get to as it is directly in proportion to what I type below).
For about 10 years now (since stopping Alcohol and recreational drugs) I've had a few issues in relation to my bowels. I find it very hard to hold water, and whenever I feel any type of pressure I have to go to the loo. More recently, in the last four years I have also been having a lot of trouble with my stomach - always aching and upset and have been having issues in that department too (going very often).
Bearing in mind I've never had an accident, my day to day life is being affected by this, I've not been able to travel (long distance) anywhere in years, in the fear of needing the toilet and one not being available.
I tend not to watch movies at the cinema anymore, accompany friends on days out, even go shopping for food at a big supermarket in case I find myself in need.
More recently, I've been panicking in the mornings, I cannot handle a 15/30 minute commute on public transport to my work... I panic and worry about if there are roadworks/traffic issues or the bus is busy and I have to share a seat with someone. I dread having the feeling in my guts somewhere where there isn't a loo.... I've ended up taking direct Taxi's at great expense to and from work because I don't want to be around other people and I'm constantly afraid of having an accident.
I'm in the position in my job where my attendance is not mandatory at all meetings but I tend to find myself subconsiously booking time off or feigning illess when I have meetings that I have to attend - again just in case I can't hold my bowels for more than 1 or 2 hours.
My GP has not really helped so far ..I've been told (after tests) I do not suffer from IBS or Crohn's. My bladder muscles are in fine working order as well as the Pelvic muscles but they have given me tablets to this regard (to tighten up muscles)... ( I have a healthy sex life with my partner, which is not affected by this..)
I'm at a loss, my life sucks, I don't go out anymore... or if I do I'm in constant worry that I'm going to have an accident.
Is this all in my head, having dealt with it for 10 years and progressively get worse? Is it anxiety or problems with my bowels, is it actually problems with my body I don't know..
Thanks for listening... Ben
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