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Hello there, i I'm a 19 year old female student who has just finished my first year at university. I'm pretty nervous about posting this but feeling so desperate and afraid and seeking advice from people who can understand what it's like to experience anxiety, as my friends and family struggle to. I think I've always had anxious traits but they were never enough to act upon, and I had previously mentioned this to my counsellor (dealing with some stuff at home - my mum and brother have huntington's disease, my other brother was taken into care and my nan is ill but tries to hold it all together) who'd tried to advise me. In march I stupidly stupidly tried half a pill of MD at our birthday party, and I regret it 100%. I didn't enjoy it, straight after taking it I started to panic and tried to vomit it up because I acknowledged that drugs are so so stupid and I was only doing it out of curiosity, I didn't even want a high (might sound ignorant gah). Either way I had to deal with the consequences and carried on with the night but feeling pretty much the same as before I'd done it, but obviously very aware that I'd done something stupid. Days after passed and I experienced a "come down" if you will, and proceeded to live the normal life and went home for easter. It was during a night of drinking with friends that I started to panic that I would feel the panic of when I took the MD so I stopped with the alcohol. The turning point was when alone I began to feel as if it had changed me, and started to research it's effects and began to scare myself even further. I regret it so so deeply. During a conversation with friends trying to explain this anxiety towards having done MD I started to panic and fled a lecture. I experienced a large panic attack and felt highly anxious for a few days before seeking a doctor who instantly offered beta blockers for the short term and anti depressants for the long term but I refused to take them due to fearing the effect they would have on my body. i tried yoga, colouring in, exercise - nothing seemed to help. Mentally I began to break down, not being able to attend my lectures, seminars or tutorials for fear of panicking, not consuming certain foods or not consuming food at certain times, not being able to have a conversation about my anxiety without feeling it's effects/having a panic attack (I'm finding it hard to even write this out), not being able to watch/read things, do the things I love and I knew it'd gotten bad when I reached the stage where I couldn't even laugh without panicking and spiralling into deep anxiety. Thankfully I have great friends who would look after me but of course no one wants to feel this way, ever. I saw another doctor at home who did blood tests and everything came back normal but he didn't refer me to CBT because apparently it's awful and he thinks I could do it myself. I've tried but I get anxious even just listening to someone discuss anxiety. Either way I'm a mess and I keep thinking about the person I was and how I took advantage of not feeling this way. Feeling like you're going to die is the worst thing in the world. I feel like there's no escaping it and I feel like it's controlling my life and stopping me from living. Some days I can only lie in bed. I felt like it was getting better for a week or two (I FORCED myself to sit a 2 hour exam and was so afraid but made myself sit there through it and felt so great about it afterwards) and then randomly it triggered again and has set me off again. Gah. It's anxiety over having anxiety. When I'm in a slightly calm state I look at my past anxious self and think "why didn't I just think calm thoughts?" but it's just not that simple when you're in the pits of anxiety. I'm so scared that I'll have to drop out of uni, never have a family. Please I know I brought this on myself, but does it get better?
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