Does it have a name.

I have likewise struggled with both for over 10 years... I'm not aware if there's a name that is inclusive for both, but I am glad you're getting help. A lot of times, like with self harm, eating disorders are about control. Your life feels out of control, so you control the only thing you feel like you can control... yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Yes it does have a name. It was previously known as EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) but now under the new DSM criteria is called OSFED (Other specified feeding or eating disorder) and this refers to people who don't fully meet a diagnosis of anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder.

Just realised I wrote an essay below, but hopefully you can stick with it!

You said "I know it's wrong but I cannot seem to help it". We don't have control over how other people behave towards us so no it's not wrong, it's a response to an extremely difficult situation. If you had a broken leg or cancer, you wouldn't say it was wrong. You can't help having a mental illness. It's utter rubbish when people (such as Baroness Bakewell) describe eating disorders as narcissistic and a choice. My goodness if it was a choice I'd have given it up many years ago!!

It is amazing how people can hurt you. I struggled to fit in at school, was bullied, excluded from social groups and at one point people found out that I had a crush on this guy and decided to tell me I was too fat and ugly to go out with this individual. Nice people. Although this was part of the route to my eating disorder I almost feel that I can't blame them as much as more recent events because they were young.

Having received inpatient treatment in my teens I relapsed a few years later amist a difficult and stressful first job (where I took voluntary redundancy following my post being cut in a restructure. I had other options but took the redundancy option). I ended up a few months later getting a job with a major international childrens charity. I was bullied by my manager, made to feel a failure and constantly told I was failing my probation objectives (utter rubbish). I was naive at the time but in formal meetings I asked if I could have someone sitting in with me, which she refused - in hindsight I should have recorded these meetings. When I disclosed my eating disorder she was like "that's not a disability, I've not seen you not eating". I resigned just before Christmas 2014, and was fortunate to secure a job shortly after. I arrived in this role with extremely low self confidence, fear of failure and fear that my new manager might decide to withdraw my offer following references. Thankfully the organisation was a recruitment programme for school leaders, a bit like Teachfirst but for more senior positions in challenging schools. My manager worked in selection and constantly looked at references. She saw right through my previous bully of a manager and in one of our first 1:1s she bluntly said that she knew about my experiences and thought I was treated completely unacceptably. She built my confidence whilst I was there and I can never thank her enough. Through her and the organisation's support I felt confident enough to apply for and secure my dream job a couple of years later, which prior to this I would never have thought myself capable of. Oh and the charity also understand mental illness and what reasonable adjustments are. I was so supported.

I still struggle with developmental feedback, as in have a mass panic so that experience in my second job still affects me today. Like in my previous work place (the good one) I'm also very well supported and have a great manager.

I recently bought a place, but prior to that was living in a house share with two horribly manipulative girls (both had known each other for many years). I actually nearly got the police involved due to their behaviour, but for the fact that I then knew I was moving. I had to block their phone numbers, because I used my personal phone as a work phone and getting messages caused me upset at work. I had to filter their emails into a folder right at the bottom of my inbox so I didn't get stressed out every time I opened my email account etc. I've finally been able to block their email addresses entirely, but still have nightmares and anxiety related to this. People really do have a sustained impact.

It's great that you're being referred for therapy. You might want to get a referral for a dietitian as well. 

It's worth noting that your restriction will cause binge episodes (which you are countering with throwing up). When your body is deprived energy it will naturally seek energy in its densest form, so nutella, chocolate, ice cream, cake, chips etc. You'll feel more depressed because of the sudden spike in energy and crash and with irregular eating your moods will be very up and down. Even if you do want to lose weight (which I'm not advocating) restriction is the worst thing and it also messes up your metabolism going forward. You want to eat meals consistently throughout the day. Lack of nutrition contributes to insomnia which will also lead to you craving high energy foods next day (there's quite a bit of research on sleep around at the moment). I KNOW it's easier said than done, but from experience restriction will make you feel even worse. When you do eat, you'll replace the lost fluid from carb deprivation so your weight will shoot back up and you will bloat and your body will be really out of proportion. It takes ages for this to redistribute and then you have to work to manage and deal with your new healthy body once in recovery.

All research studies on breakfast have shown that people who eat breakfast regularly are more likely to be a healthy low weight than those who skip breakfast. It's not rocket science but breakfast stimulates your metabolism.

I also really recommend speaking to the Beat Helpline, which is open every day of the year 3pm - 10pm. This is free to call. There are also some excellent resources, including a guidance leaflet for GP appointments. ?