Does my boyfriend have depression?

I'm not sure how to help but interested to see others comments as I'm going through something similar with my fiance we have been together 9 years and he has been diagnosed with depression. You can read my post see if resonates with your situation? Xx

Hello Viola. Welcome to one of the most understanding groups of people that I have ever known. So glad that you wrote us. When I was reading your mail several thoughts  came to mind. First so sorry that you lost your father. Losing him has to be very painful and I know that you are grieving and that is understandable. I think the grief over took you and without realizing it the pain and grief was directed at the relationship. On the other hand I think that your boyfriend was internalizing (holding his feelings in) and you did not know his real personal feelings.  I think it would help you both to see a therapist as a couple and let the therapist guide you from there. For a couple so young  to be together for 7 years and have so much going for you: college (so successful, etc)! I believe you love each other and with counseling have an excellent chance as individuals and as a couple to be very happy. Please..please keep us posted. I can't wait until you can work on your individual issues and get the stress off the relationship and to see everything fall into place and see you two be happy. Diane. 

Hi Viola - sorry to read of your situation. I would suggest you find a grief counsellor and start with the issue of having lost your father. It will help you to express about that and maybe learn some coping skills if needed. It can also be a gateway to decide whether you feel there is more that can be addressed in your life from where you stand. Share what happens with your boyfriend. You haven't mentioned whether he has considered counselling for himself, and it can be hard for men to man up and seek help. If he sees some positives from your venture he might be more inclined. If he doesn't want to go himself, then see if he is open to couples counselling. Reading your post, i wondered whether he might be overwhelmed with all he is doing. So many choices, needing to be on top of the game all the time, maybe unsure which life-avenue to take. Stress certainly dampens the sex drive. Communicating, making some suggestions like counselling, that's the best you can do. It's up to him if he wants to follow through.

Thank you for all your comments so far, you gave me some things to think about.

I didn’t mention in the original post that when we moved to the U.K. 5 years ago, he was incredibly skinny, even in an unhealthy way I think. But he started binge eating sweets and junk food, everything that he was “not allowed” and didn’t have the money for back home. Shortly he gained about 15kgs. His mother freaked out about this, and they were arguing a lot as it hurt his feelings. Just last year his parents visited us and that’s when his mom told me she was so upset about the whole weight gain situation because she had eating issues when she was young, she was overweight and she would eat “emotionally”, so her first thought was, his son must have an eating disorder. Back then I just thought it’s nonsense, he clearly just lost control as now he has more access to junk food and is now taking care of himself and just can’t quite deal with the sudden freedom that comes with it. But a little while before he started sharing these emotions towards me, he started excessively dieting, exercising, and obsessively counting calories, to an extent that I think gets in the way of healthy eating. For example, if occasionally he grabs a beer with friends, he’d rather not have dinner, as beer is lots of calories. Besides, he’s lost the weight already, and he still seems to have issues with how he looks.

I’m not sure how to approach the idea of counselling, either as individuals or as a couple, without pressuring him or breaking his trust in a way, as he does not really believe in this sort of thing. His mother tried to suggest it for the two of them before, and it wasn’t a very positive response.

Hi again Viola. I would rather make him mad and uncomfortable...than to see him getting sicker and sicker in front of me! That's called tough love. Couples counseling or individual counseling or both just get into counseling and hopefully sooner than later. I know you love him so you can do this. And grief counseling for you as has already been advised. Please keep us posted as we care very much. Diane

Thank you everybody. I’m going to see a counsellor on Monday. I’m getting very scared. I do realise we’re both unwell and I think as I had to deal with losses one after another in the past years, but losing my father was definitely the hardest to process, I became obsessed worrying about losing my loved ones while living far from home, and I feel like I have a same sense of loss right now about the relationship. I’m very scared of feeling that way once again and I feel like I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know what to expect on Monday, I’ve never been to such thing before and I just don’t see how anything would help. I just feel helpless, it’s something I have no control over once again and it’s completely numbing me. 

Hi Viola. Way to go on going to counseling!! I once saw a sign outside a building that said "no runner ever stole second base without first taking his foot off first base"! I generalized that in my life. Every time I am going to do something new and scary I think of that baseball runner that has to take his foot off that safe place of first base but he will never achieve a home run if he does not take his foot off there and run like hell for second base. I hope that makes as much sense to you as it has for me. Monday you will take your foot off first base and head toward a home run. How about that. I am happy for you. Please let us know on Monday how it goes. You know that we care. Diane

Hi again,

This is me after counselling today. She suggested I take a couple more sessions to learn how to manage life in this whole mess. 

In the meantime, boyfriend continues to be more angry, he gets out of control over the smallest things, I mean, he doesn’t get violent or anything like that, I just can see him shaking from anger just by the fact that it’s raining a bit and he forgot his umbrella. He says he understands what I went through and he can forgive in his head, but he can’t get past things in his heart. The only positive thing so far is that he’s asked for the details of the counsellor. Fingers crossed he will actually go through with it soon. X