Does my depressed bf want me gone? Its making me sad.
Posted , 5 users are following.
Me & my bf have been dating for 9 months now. During the first month of being official his mother was diagnosed with cancer. He ended up losing his job. He has been struggling with debt ever since. He felt terrible cause he couldn't get me anything but I assured him I didn't care about money. I met his family for the holidays & he told me they really like me cause he never seen them so smitten. They never acted that way with any of his previous girlfriends.
So his mom came to stay with his grandma during christmas. Things were good & I met her. Come March my bf all of sudden wasn't responding to me. Turns out his car got towed & he was in the middle of being almost evicted. He said he was sorry for not speaking for week but his life got real. That's when the depression hit. For 2 months he wouldn't let me see him & turned out he wasn't speaking to his family for 3 months. He stopped a month prior from me. He was still talking but not as much. Sometimes there were misunderstanding & he would call a week later saying he has been thinking of me.
I finally got him to see me again come May. He told me to never ever think its me if he ain't talking but him going back into shell. About 2 weeks ago he told me part of him wants his mom to die but the other doesn't. He said this after I kissed his head like a kid & he said "just like mom only difference is u actually care". I told him it wasn't true she does but he only said she cares because she is dying. She abandoned her children.
My bf only speaks when we are f2f not on phone but its hard to get him to see me when depressed. He hates where he stays cuz of his roommates. I did need him one day but he responded not right now bby I'm sorry. I wanted to visit him, I felt overwhelmed by something else. He is usually there for me. Last time i asked if he was ok after that. He told me "I'm fine...."
I knew he wasnt so I left a message. I told him he is not the crappy person he thinks he is. Whoever put those thoughts in him is wrong. I can't undo what others did to him but I promise that i will care cherish him for future. He made a post few hours later on fb about surviving the phases of life, heartbreak, and devastation. So not sure if I got through or just coincidence since he hasn't made a post in over a month.
There's so much more I can say about how he had verbally abusive ex fiancee that cheated on him for 10 years but this has gotten long. He doesn't respond to me unless I get worried & I leave him alone for days. Sometimes I wonder if it really is me. When he sees me he tells me things & touches me & acts like himself a bit. I'm just confused some days.
2 likes, 11 replies
borderriever fe20412
Posted
It would seem He has some problems that need sorting.
Generally the health concerns he has regards Mother must be very stressful and given that He may be Stressed.
I cannot understand how your boyfriend is relating to you, He was courting before for an extended period of ten years and the relationship ended, could it be He is considering that time and now the problems at home, regards no Money especially if He needs to pay his part of the rent and cannot manage it.
You may be the perfect couple however the way He is treating you a break to let let him settle may be a good idea. He needs to sort himself out and move on. Has He been to see His GP ?.
BOB
fe20412 borderriever
Posted
No he doesn't see anyone for medication. I would like him too. I don't understand how he can be open when f2f with me but ignore me when it comes through text sometimes. He told me if he doesn't know what to say he hardly responds. Its his nature & his grandma told me he gets this episodic periods sometimes. He has anxiety as well. I am giving him space at the moment like I told him was going to. It hurts but I realize I might be a distraction. In regards to his ex she verbally abused him & I think its why he shuts down sometimes. She blamed him for everything wrong & told him once she was going to sleep with some girl cause it was his fault. Which she did! Why he stayed when she would leave for other men & come back after they realized the way she was & dump her, I cannot tell u. If I'm correct he met me a few months after he became fed up with her after she used him when her mother became ill with cancer & he was helping take care & pay finances for her mother. She dumped him a week before that, she cried for help & he agreed to go back to her & help her mom. Only to find out much later she was messing with another man behind him again. To be honest I went through depression myself years back but mine was different from his. So maybe that's why he can tell me things to my face. Plus he says I'm more affectionate then she ever was & I treat him very well.
Old_Man_Logan fe20412
Posted
Bad past relationships may be a trigger but tell him to let the past go and look to you if he wants a future and that he has your trust and he needs the both of you to work together coz trust me, its tougher without someone who loves you. I hope this is not a tedious job for you otherwise the best thing is to be letting him off slowly but honestly. I know i would have used some warning signs, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much
fe20412 Old_Man_Logan
Posted
Warning signs? So this has happened to u. It affects me to some degree because I want him to ok. He told me we were going to go on a movie date but he didn't pick date. His responsibilities like bills & debt get in the way. I can understand that. I know he is depressed cuz last time I went into that room it was a mess with crap over the floor. I don't want him to feel like I gave up on him unless that what he wants.
Old_Man_Logan fe20412
Posted
hi. im no master over this but you just described exactly what happened to me except i was the depressed guy in this story and i lost my girl because i didnt know about my conditions etc and it cost me someone dear to me which made it all worse in the end
When i was unknowingly going through severe depression, my girlfriend tried everything to cheer me up but couldn't get through because in my head i didn't see anyone suffering more than me till i realized when it was too late that she was hurting as much. She said the same things but we were at a distance and i thought i showed her enough but to be honest its just like you are describing it. I never called for weeks when the darkness came but always thought of her because i couldn't even make her laugh enough or express myself enough and for the worst part is by her being extra nice i assumed she understood and that everything was ok when clearly it wasn't and i wish i knew. What im trying to say is try to work with him and let him speak out if you want to work it out with him and never hide from him when it hurts or when u want him. The harsher/realer the better and if he feels bad thats a good time to tell him that u want to help and he loves you and that u need him then make sure u seek pro help (something i have no access to) coz believe me he wants you around but being really depressed can consume a person to the point the dark place is bigger and darker than anything else around, making you not see even the most obvious of things in time especially if you don't slap the truth on him as hard as the things consuming him. Try to remind him that u are their and u need his time as much and you need each other to get through.
I could have used that, and i could have used a little bit of knowing about my problems because i love her but its over (she is with someone else now) and all i can do is regret and now my problems just got bigger. been a year and no sign of real change. I don't know what you have to really do but i would have appreciated a reality check if i was him. if that doesn't work then maybe it means its time to leave but be clear about it before u do it. it might just be what he needs to realize the importance of whats in front and the stakes involved.
But like i said im not a pro and now dealing with worse stuff so the best move is to go look for pro health but i hope u got something form my rubish coz i wish u guys better than i had it and it ended in tears for both of us after dating for 3 years. Hope some of this helps. Best of luck
fe20412 Old_Man_Logan
Posted
Thank u so much. I was just going to give him space for a week and a half. I just wasn't sure if my words were helping or annoying. He didn't say anything so maybe they are helping & he did make that post a few hours after my message about surviving the phases of life's encouragement speech. I want it to work with him. Honestly in those two months I couldn't see him. I tried to move on & date cuz I thought he was hinting at me to hit the road. I felt nothing for other men. Even guys who were my type. I could not do it & that has never happened before. I don't know if he loves me. Hes never said it. But I know he cares cuz he apologized at least. Your story was really helpful & no there was no rambling. I understood what u were saying to me.
hypercat fe20412
Posted
HI from what I have read he needs to be getting help from the doctors meds and/or counselling. He isn't different to others you know and he can be helped. If he isn't willing to get help and starts sorting some of his issues out I don't hold out much hope for your relationship. Sorry to be so blunt.
Unless you want to be picked up when he wants you and dropped when doesn't I don't see how you are going to maintain your relationship do you? Why won't he get help? Is it the male ego thing? If so remind him that the most common cause of death in the western world for men between 25-40 is suicide. More men do it than woman and I think it's because they are ashamed of it and feel it impacts on their manhood. I would make him getting help a condition or any future relationship as you can't spend the rest of your life like this. x
fe20412 hypercat
Posted
He has learned to just deal with it on his own. I haven't talked to him about seeing a doctor but I have talked to him about making amends with his mother. Though i stated I would like him too, I'm also scared of what the meds would do to him. Since antidepressants changed my mother. And its fine to be blunt but I'm not the only person he wasn't talking too. He was telling his friends he couldnt hang out & had to work. I don't expect him to be like this forever. I told him I would be here & I don't a break a promise. Even if I decide to break up.
fe20412 hypercat
Posted
Also there have been incidents where I told him I was coming to see him when he didnt want anyone aroumd him. I told him it was his choice not to open the door if he didn't want to or see me if he didn't but each time he did. I don't like forcing but in those two cases I felt it was right thing to do. I wouldn't feel good about forcing a doctor on him cuz it can backfire badly. He is introverted & wouldn't confide in a stranger.
wayne1962 fe20412
Posted
Hi fe20412 - sorry to read you are stuck with this. I must agree with hypercat. He needs to seek counselling and perhaps a dose of AD's to help balance his mood while he untangles the mess. Our experiences with AD's can be chequered - there are regulars on this site who can tell you that it's not a one-size-fits-all with AD's, and there can be a bit of fiddling to get the dose/med right, but the effects can be a lifeboat when we are tied up with emotive histories. If he refuses to get help and does not address issues such as abandonment from his mother, dealing with the imminence of her death, and underlying issues that have sprouted from depression, then it might be that he will be like this "forever" - at least until he begins to try to understand the dynamics behind what happened and how it affects him. Ignoring such fundamental issues as parental influence, particularly when that leads to a depressive condition is burying the issue, and there it will fester. You are right to be supportive. Psychiatric issues need psychiatric remedies. Wishing for the sun is not active engagement with the issue - it's a deflection. Best of luck to you and we are always here to talk.
hypercat fe20412
Posted
Well he is obviously not dealing with it otherwise he would be a lot better by now. Sometimes depression can resolve itself and no help is needed but if he is suffering so much and consequently making you (and his family) suffer too then it is clear he needs professional help.
Think of it like a physical illness such as diabetes. No one would dream of trying to deal with it on their own would they? This is just the same. Things aren't going to chance unless he really is dealing with ie through the self help route. Is he doing this? I admire your loyalty but I do think the 10th time or so he behaves like this you will eventually get so fed up with that you have to walk away. Or else he might drag you down to such a point that you can't leave and you could end up depressed as well.
He isn't your mother you know and meds certainly have their place in helping you feel better and more able to deal with issues. At the least he needs to be willing to do some counselling. x