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Not sure what to write really just feel so alone, lost, empty, had enough of keep trying, just want to give up. I have been trying to stand up for myself at work but just feel as if i am being treated differently to others, could be just my way of seeing things and my current way of thinking it's all my fault.. Off work on leave last week, lost it Monday last week emergency tellephone appiontment wiht GP, postivie day wednesday went pony treking along a lovely beach in the sun, suffered phsyically afterwards as hadn't been on a horse for years lol. Cancelled all my exercise classes as getting paranoid of people staring at me and talking about me as I don't know anyone and everyone esle always go with friends which I don't have.Talked to a councillor who I;ve been talking to for a few weeks now, last night through a help site through my work, had occupational phone call too which hadn't happened the thursday before due to their error that diidn;t hlep. Awful suicidal thoughts keep on coming back even out walking at lunchtime trying to work out what to buy forn the various chemists so I could get enough pills (didn't sensible head kicked in again) I know I;ve said before I wouldn't do anything at home but these thoughts are almost overtaking me, talked to Samaritans this evening after getting home following hurting myself as I was despatate to go out and drive recklessly so there is some sense in there somewhere.
Sitting here slowly getting drunk. Cos i'm scared just need to pass out or something.
Sorry for the moans and sounding so pathetic but I jsut don;t know anymore been anxious all day already taken 5mg diazepam to keep calm during the training and keeping myself under control from crying. Not sure wahr I'm trying to say really but it is easier typing than talking. Even with the typo's.Not sure if this makes sense!!!!
You all take care out there and hope you are all doing ok.
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