Don;t know if anyone of you are out there???

Posted , 7 users are following.

Not sure what to write really just feel so alone, lost, empty, had enough of keep trying, just want to give up. I have been trying to stand up for myself at work but just feel as if i am being treated differently to others, could be just my way of seeing things and my current way of thinking it's all my fault.. Off work on leave last week, lost it Monday last week emergency tellephone appiontment wiht GP, postivie day wednesday went pony treking along a lovely beach in the sun, suffered phsyically afterwards as hadn't been on a horse for years lol. Cancelled all my exercise classes as getting paranoid of people staring at me and talking about me as I don't know anyone and everyone esle always go with friends which I don't have.Talked to a councillor who I;ve been talking to for a few weeks now, last night through a help site through my work, had occupational phone call too which hadn't happened the thursday before due to their error that diidn;t hlep. Awful suicidal thoughts keep on coming back even out walking at lunchtime trying to work out what to buy forn the various chemists so I could get enough pills (didn't sensible head kicked in again) I know I;ve said before I wouldn't do anything at home but these thoughts are almost overtaking me, talked to Samaritans this evening after getting home following hurting myself as I was despatate to go out and drive recklessly so there is some sense in there somewhere.

Sitting here slowly getting drunk. Cos i'm scared just need to pass out or something. 

Sorry for the moans and sounding so pathetic but I jsut don;t know anymore been anxious all day already taken 5mg diazepam to keep calm during the training and keeping myself under control from crying. Not sure wahr I'm trying to say really but it is easier typing than talking. Even with the typo's.Not sure if this makes sense!!!!

You all take care out there and hope you are all doing ok. 

x

2 likes, 14 replies

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Hang in there. I know it's ever so painful and feels hopeless. But you are an important person too! Have you seen a psychiatrist yet? You can get a referral from your GP. 

    And keep talking/typing. You are not alone. I have been fighting the same thoughts for  5 months. Finally got on some med's. Just hope they start working soon. Get some extra help, you deserve it.

    Laurie

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    • Posted

      Thanks for replying I've been fighting this ofr nearly 3 years, saw psychiatrist in April, see her every three months, awaiting for group therapy for Systens training for emotional predictalbility and problem solving this is usually used for people wiht BPD, 

      Had interpersonal theraoy last year for 16 weeks with a lovely psychiatrist who I trusted so much she was great pushed me hard too, I try so hard to do the things that came out of that but it is all going to pot.

      Hope your meds start working for you been there done that made me worse but everyone is different so hope  they help you just perserve through the side effects and you should start to notice a difference and feeling better.

      I'm feeling a tiny bit better now I;ve written this down or the wine etc is kicking in. lol. Thanks.

      Tina

       

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  • Posted

    You poor thing, get out if you can and go ANYWHERE with people NOW, or dogs or animals, just somewhere where you're not alone, if you want to not go out put comedy or a funny programme on tv. Eat dark chocolate if you've got any, or ring someone, anyone! Good luck, you can fight this.x

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    • Posted

      Thanks Sam, I live in the middle of nowhere will not get in the car as been driniking could go for a walk but if I fall over not sure if I could be bothered to get up to be honest at the precise moment I don't particulary care plus it is raining not that would make much difference to me. So best stay in doors. Eaten crisps no dark chocolate feel sick now too. Trouble is I;m getting tired of fighting this yet again. 

      But I'll get on the old merrygoround yet again tomorrow. Round and round we go!!!!!!!!

      You keep up your fight too don't give in either. I have come close quite a few times, just don't want that little something just to push me that little bit more, it;s not going to take much.x

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  • Posted

    Hi sorry you are going through such a bad time at the moment.  All you can do is keep on going on as you are because you are doing all the right things.

    Two things which help me when I feel suicidal.  I make a decision when I wake up that I am not going to do it today.  This relaxes me and makes it easier to get through the day.

    The other thing I do is trawl through the suicide websites looking for painless methods of doing it.  By the time I have realised there aren't any,  and read a few online horror stories. I have quite gone off the idea.  I know this might seem like a strange tip but it works for me. 

    Hoping you feel a bit better soon.  Stay strong and carry on.  xx

     

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    • Posted

      Hi funny you should say that about trawling websites i;ve got quite a few saved in my favorites sad or what but one is lost all hope which I was reading last night trouble is these thoughts hit me when i am not even thinking about them I'm sitting doing stuff at work then bam it;s there and like I said walking out at lunchtime for no apparent reason it;s there. 

      Yeh I'll keep carrying on for now but it is happening more and more often again and more vivid, even in dreams I wake up with it. Someone on here told me about the 28 day rule, similar to your wake up in the morning and make the decision I am not going to do it today trouble is things happen as the day goes on which make things worse.

      Just wish it would go away but there is only one way that I can see to make it go away????????????

      I'll keep plugging on for now.. xx

       

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, sorry to read you are having a bad time of it. Alcohol will not help the situation.
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    • Posted

      I know alcohol doesn't help going out and being reckless doesn't either. So drink and I stay in. Day is going really great, not, doing my best but finding concentration hard, keeping calm hard, being polite hard. I just want to run and hide. Been for a walk at lunchtime time currently sitting by the sea trying so hard to relax stop my head from racing. Got to go back now for the next session of training hope I can take it in. Moan over for now. Thanks everyone. X

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    • Posted

      Things have gone even more out of control, out of the office window a rubbish bin was on fire everyone just looking the flames getting higher and higher I called the fire brigade as no-one in the training room were that bothered as I hate fire.Then I completely broke down shaking, crying as visions, thoughts etc all came rushing back the orange flames getting higher, as I woke when a 6 year old with my bedroom on fire with orange flames lapping up the wall and room full of smoke. Even more diazepam now as can't stop shaking. So it will be a drive out somewhere tonight to try and occupy my mind. I'm a complete mess now. Yes Sam I did eat bag of giant chocolate buttons the other night. Sorry I don't know what to do. :'(

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    • Posted

      oh Tina you need to get one to one therapy..seems like you have past issues you need to talk through with someone..this fire, when you were a child, could be still playing on your mind..A big fright at an early age..can effect you in adulthood..please look into it..talking can work wonders. with the right therapist.. God Bless..xxxx
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    • Posted

      Thanks Mariano, i am not being referred for trauma therapy until the psychiatrist thinks I am stable enough to cope with it as there are a lot of issues that have risen which I have kept suppressed for years. So just got to keep on trying and i;m awaitng for this other therapy first.

      Been a bit better today except very anxious.  

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    • Posted

      Well keep going Tina. your on the right track. and once you deal with all your past issues, your Anxiety shoud resolve...Amazing how childhood tramuas can effect us in aldulthood...I think thats what happened me too. A very controlling father..only we had a great loving mother, I dont know where we would all be...Take care. xxxx
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