don't know my purpose in life and what i am to do i just live to get ready to die

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hi my name is Nathan a single dad of four beautiful kids, I presume some people would say you get what you ask for and I ask for no sympathy but clarity for myself and understanding for where I've come from and where am going. Here go's I was a young boy of 8 coming from the country of Trinidad to England with my mother and my sister. My father was to follow at a later date due to work but it was clear he was up to other things (women) lol, I have from a young age always had feelings about his honesty and vowed to be there for my mother physically and mentally. It was hard to get along with friends in school because I was different. Coming into a city life from a humble country beginnings was hard especially as a black person as you are required to be cool and look good my mother tried her best having two jobs and being alone, and for that reason I wanted to be there for her, from cleaning going shopping and showing respect. This can be very lonely and hard as a young boy growing up so I found peace in drawing and playing basketball training with Crystal Palace basketball team at 14 and artistic training with a company in Hyde Park which am not sure if my dear mother paid for it wasn't long until I had to give that up as she gained arthritis in the hips which she had a major surgery for. While this was happening my father surfaced and stayed for us for a while till while helping my mum clean her room I found letters from a girlfriend he was seeing back home. I had to tell my mum and since then I lived with the pain of distroying her relationship and being more there for her. I never had friends and don't know what it's like. My sister always had friends and was always rude to my mum not helping out. To cut this long story short she met someone who also cheated had two children, years later she suffered an anurizum (hope I spelt it right) and during surgery doctors cut the wrong blood vessel and left her severely disabled can't eat or talk. her husband died of cancer later but provided financial stability for her children my brother and second sister. During this time while she was married and living life I met someone who was homeless who I felt sorry for and felt I could change and help but little did I know I would be cheated on and left to care for our first child while she went out. I told her to take her pill and I used protection to prevent another birth, I was too exhausted mentally to take control of my life and we ended up having five children who I looked altered while She lived. She threw me out in Xmas 2012 and moved in another man who she made another child. while this was going on i was on the streets for two weeks enough for me to give up I jumped over a bridge but managed to find the will to swim ashore. I then attempted to take 65 tablets a mixture of paracetamol and co-codamol where I was found by police officers who took me into hospital. I was in hospital for about 7-8 mths until I got myself together got a place and went into college. My ex found out I was doing well as I wanted to see my children. She said she was putting the children into care so I gave up everything and took on the responsibility. Things were not going well with her partner as she was being abused I took her back and looked aftered her child. thanks to social services I found out I was and have been for years being emotionally abused and did not realise I found my strength and told her leave so I can raise my kids. My eldest son who's 14yrs was somehow into his mum she was cool and let's him get away with everything so he left to live with her. I have no family support nor any friends and social services and schools just commend me for being there for my kids but it's very very lonely and exhausting I maintain structure from no internet or mobile devices after 8:30 and tv of at 9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends and holidays. I teach no bad language no running or fighting and healthy eating. I teach to clean up after yourself and appreciation. It all works and there is time when I have to remind them, but that's what being a parent is all about. I am fed up of people saying you are great because I seem to gather that at times but feel am a vote to my kids even though I reward good behaviour with going out to eat funfairs swimming parks etc. I am just tired now and feel every bit of me goes to my kids, I have no time for myself and never ever have to finding a job or myself is not on my radar, I am currently trying to teach myself astrophysics and Buddhism but that's hard to get time, I get no benefits for myself only my kids and that am fine with, you get what you ask for and work for. This is all new to me coming on here and talking and I have to go cook dinner as the kids are playing up now because it's strange dad is in the phone lol. to be honest I don't look forward to life and wish I was dead.

1 like, 13 replies

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Talk to Samaritians regards your feelings
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    • Posted

      that's all I get told from social workers and my support worker. it doesn't help when people say your not alone or there is a lot of people that would see you as an inspiration. I want to be inspired but for some reason I am closed in a titanium box where nothing is getting into my head and nothing is coming out. thank you for your assistance but I cannot see no way out I seem to have the imagination and inspiration to die and give up, nothing else. I just thought someone could inspire me or give me hope. when I jumped in the river god didn't even call out I got no light no sound its true what they say you come into this world alone you die alone. thank you

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    • Posted

      Nathan

      I went through a suicide  attempt, my own and believe me when I say you may be hurting more than yourself if you suceed.

      In my case I was rushed to hospital by ambulance and ended up in a very busy A and E, It took all night to get me back and a very tired Junior Docter had to site down and give me a talk.

      I could go on about my journey, all I will say it was those who cared for me felt the worse for my attempt. There was no sympathy just ange and resentment and a wife who has had to take over giving me medications as She cannot trust me to take them properly 

      You will also find bringing you back can be painful and there is no sympathy from the NHS and Social Services either. Evn the Crisis Team and GP just cannot relate to my decision to end it

      A month ago I wnt in Crisis, they were on me like a ton of bricks even before they thought I was going to end it

      BOB

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    • Posted

      at least someone loves you and believe in you. I know my kids love me but they are young and it is more harmful to their upbringing to see a sad father with no love for his self than it is to see a happy mum that has no rules takes cannabis swears and beats her cat as well as killing our family dog years earlier. none of this bothers them mother love hey! but seeing me sad is not helping. I care about their happiness.
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    • Posted

      If you car for your childrens happinss you ned to be arround to see them grow and start thir future families. Children are very sensitive and to walk away from then by Suicide has so many negative feeling they will feel.

      Their children will most probably here about your death and that in itself would be a negative feeling when they are robbed of their Grandfather.

      Talk to your GP regards your negative feelings as they are mean and spiteful to members of your families now and in the future

      BOB

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  • Posted

     You want clarity you traveled from a place where I believe he would not of had any kind of life to a better place with your mother when you were young. You were fortunate that you arrived and well cared for. You then met someone with whom you probably saved their life even though it didn't work out that doesn't matter you still affected other lives. You continued on to bringing  in more lives into this world. You are responsible to raise those children.  You clearly have depression. You need to see a general practitioner and go to treatment. In terms of the two failed suicide attempt's do not ever expect God to call upon you like the prophecy to tell you everything is going to be OK it doesn't work like that. But what  but what you can get from it was you're still here so God already knew your suicides we're not going to work. You're not finished here yet my friend. Go to your general practitioner tell him what's going on and get treatment. 

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    • Posted

      I am already in the care or apparent care of cmht social worker and doctor as long as I don't say I will kill myself am fine your doing a great job those children should be grateful that a father has taken the responsibility to parent his kids alone. but after they sleep I don't want to see tomorrow I take overdoses of my meds but I still wake up. I don't want God or any spiritual being to care or answer I've never been looked over and don't expect to in this world of suffering. I was born had no friend's no connection with no one always with my mother babysitting for my family as I loved kids. boys don't do that as teenagers I wasn't suppose to be born I was a fallen angel not ment for earth and I should not be here. I am too kind too loving for a man even my mother told me for a joke that she found me and my ex said you are not like any man. I know what is right even if I am rejected from heaven at least I will find and accept my place because it feels am surrounded by evil and bad luck. again thank you but I've tried been worked on talked still no light just darkness

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    • Posted

      please do not insult me I went through emotional abuse for 13yrs I was to kind weak but when I had my first she knew that all the nights I was up taking care for my son and literally caring for him while she went out, that I would have enough but when you are in a emotionally abusive relationship it controls your mind I said take your pill she would say I will and when she got pregnant she would say I don't know what's going on maybe we were made to be together and have kids. she told me when I met her I would leave her one day. today here I am I didn't want this for them to have a child of a mother but here I am. so please I will live and die with it, but am not making my kids carry on life with a weak dad and a cool child of a mother, they would be happy with her than with my sad life and worries. I don't have the heart to kill her or anyone it's easier to harm yourself

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  • Posted

    Here is a story, take from it what you can...

    A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

    A faithful man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

    The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

    As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

    The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

    The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

    A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!” 

    Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

    When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

    And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

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    • Posted

      that's why I give up I haven't been no tools mentally or physically I have been taken into hospital after been found by police and not once has he called my name or given me inspiration I have felt nothing but why am I here. I am my children's vessel and I will carry as far as my broken ship can carry after then they deserve to be with someone more happy with themselves, and regardless that their mum is cool smokes cannabis has a boyfriend that comes and goes no rules as kids they love that, all I get is your kids are well behaved polite and it isn't enough because the moment they visit their mum they come back swearing and beating each other up. she has even kill a family dog people know this but as long as they see their mother the law said. am tired doing my all giving my all it will never be how I desired my children's life to be. I rather be dead than to see anymore corruption in their life's. thank for your words of encouragement.

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    • Posted

      nathan, I spend many days curled in a ball on my bed concluding that the only way to find peace is to end my life.

      People say to me 'What about your children?' and in those moments all I think is that they would be better off not being around me anyway, I am a state and they have a decent father who they adore.

      But honestly those kids love me no matter what and yours love you no matter what too.

      If you harm yourself or take your life you are leaving them with the worst possible corruption in their lives and they will never recover from it.

      It sounds to me as if they actually need you more than ever because you are a good role model to them and are raising them the right way, they need that and without you who knows how they will grow up if their mother is allowing all kinds of negative things to go on around them, at least you can offer them something better.

      But you do have to save yourself, I promise you that I know it is not easy to find your purpose in life when everything is so dark and hopeless but you must try to find it, you are being a good father but you are not being kind to yourself.

      You don't know how to be kind to yourself because you have been abused emotionally this is all you know, you need to go back to that doctor and tell him or her that you need more help, it is the only way to mend your life and you must do it for you and for the children.

      There is more help out there but you have to really push for it, life is hard but it doesn't need to be impossible, you can find a purpose and perhaps seeing as you have been through so much your purpose may be to help others who have been through the same things but first you need to find a bit of peace for yourself.

      Please don't take your life nathan, I know that urge is strong but fight it and try to find another way, you see I was not even close to my mother but when she died of natural causes 2 months ago it destroyed me and I am an adult woman who can supposedly take care of herself with these things.

      Your children love you and would never get over it if they lost you and children don't see it the way we do, we see it that we really have no other choice but they see it that we have chosen to leave and abandon them.

      Maybe write everythig down about how you feel and show it to a doctor, it's often easier for them to understand if it is written down, I find that to be true with my doctor anyway but don't stop looking for your purpose in life.

      You do care about the happiness of your children, I can feel that from wht you write here so you have to keep imagining how broken they would be without you, it's what I do in my darkest moments, it is how I have survived so far because believe me they would rather have us here sad than not have us here at all.

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    • Posted

      Your oresence in thise kids like is very important. It is from you they learn kindness and manners. It is from you they will rememeber right from wrong. You are needed in their lives. You are their father, their protector and guide them. When they get older the stuff their mum does wont seem cool at all. Thats is when they will look to you for guidance and strength. I understand your oast, it is what it is. Cant your go provide treatment to help you feel better? If this dark cloud is lifted you would see the world so differently and realize your importance. Read what bella said it is beautifully written. I dont know f any words can awaken you thats why i think its best to get to the gp for better treatment.
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  • Posted

    Nathan, my dad killed himself and it was torture on my mom and me. My mom developed health problems she never had before. I can't describe to you how I felt seeing my dad lying there incoherent for a little over an hour in that hospital bed. All I could do is scream and cry. I couldn't believe it. He was depressed also. He wouldn't try to get help. I'm 45 years old now and there have been so many times I've needed him, but he was gone. I need him right now. I have OCD and severe anxiety and my medication stopped working in July of 2015. I'm basically home bound. I've lost so much weight, I'm nauseous most every day, headaches, heart palpitations, restlessness to the point I can't get still. I have no life. I had a gene sight test done and most of the medication that is for OCD I can't take because my liver doesn't metabolize it. The newer drugs don't cover anxiety and I couldn't afford them if they did. I feel like I have the flu a lot. Klonopin doesn't last very long and I have to go up on it. I can't go up on it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do. They want me to take an antipsychotic drug, but they have very bad side effects. I've got to do something. I can't hardly function. I heave when I put food in my mouth. I really wish my dad were here. I'm an only child. No brothers or sisters. Think about where your children would be if you hurt yourself. Believe me, I know. They would be inconsolable. I have one child and she's heard me say I wish I were dead. Even though I'm in the condition I'm in, she still wants her mom here, not gone. She's told me so. Just remember your children. I'm sure they'd rather have you here. Take it from someone who knows.

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