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hi my name is Nathan a single dad of four beautiful kids, I presume some people would say you get what you ask for and I ask for no sympathy but clarity for myself and understanding for where I've come from and where am going. Here go's I was a young boy of 8 coming from the country of Trinidad to England with my mother and my sister. My father was to follow at a later date due to work but it was clear he was up to other things (women) lol, I have from a young age always had feelings about his honesty and vowed to be there for my mother physically and mentally. It was hard to get along with friends in school because I was different. Coming into a city life from a humble country beginnings was hard especially as a black person as you are required to be cool and look good my mother tried her best having two jobs and being alone, and for that reason I wanted to be there for her, from cleaning going shopping and showing respect. This can be very lonely and hard as a young boy growing up so I found peace in drawing and playing basketball training with Crystal Palace basketball team at 14 and artistic training with a company in Hyde Park which am not sure if my dear mother paid for it wasn't long until I had to give that up as she gained arthritis in the hips which she had a major surgery for. While this was happening my father surfaced and stayed for us for a while till while helping my mum clean her room I found letters from a girlfriend he was seeing back home. I had to tell my mum and since then I lived with the pain of distroying her relationship and being more there for her. I never had friends and don't know what it's like. My sister always had friends and was always rude to my mum not helping out. To cut this long story short she met someone who also cheated had two children, years later she suffered an anurizum (hope I spelt it right) and during surgery doctors cut the wrong blood vessel and left her severely disabled can't eat or talk. her husband died of cancer later but provided financial stability for her children my brother and second sister. During this time while she was married and living life I met someone who was homeless who I felt sorry for and felt I could change and help but little did I know I would be cheated on and left to care for our first child while she went out. I told her to take her pill and I used protection to prevent another birth, I was too exhausted mentally to take control of my life and we ended up having five children who I looked altered while She lived. She threw me out in Xmas 2012 and moved in another man who she made another child. while this was going on i was on the streets for two weeks enough for me to give up I jumped over a bridge but managed to find the will to swim ashore. I then attempted to take 65 tablets a mixture of paracetamol and co-codamol where I was found by police officers who took me into hospital. I was in hospital for about 7-8 mths until I got myself together got a place and went into college. My ex found out I was doing well as I wanted to see my children. She said she was putting the children into care so I gave up everything and took on the responsibility. Things were not going well with her partner as she was being abused I took her back and looked aftered her child. thanks to social services I found out I was and have been for years being emotionally abused and did not realise I found my strength and told her leave so I can raise my kids. My eldest son who's 14yrs was somehow into his mum she was cool and let's him get away with everything so he left to live with her. I have no family support nor any friends and social services and schools just commend me for being there for my kids but it's very very lonely and exhausting I maintain structure from no internet or mobile devices after 8:30 and tv of at 9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends and holidays. I teach no bad language no running or fighting and healthy eating. I teach to clean up after yourself and appreciation. It all works and there is time when I have to remind them, but that's what being a parent is all about. I am fed up of people saying you are great because I seem to gather that at times but feel am a vote to my kids even though I reward good behaviour with going out to eat funfairs swimming parks etc. I am just tired now and feel every bit of me goes to my kids, I have no time for myself and never ever have to finding a job or myself is not on my radar, I am currently trying to teach myself astrophysics and Buddhism but that's hard to get time, I get no benefits for myself only my kids and that am fine with, you get what you ask for and work for. This is all new to me coming on here and talking and I have to go cook dinner as the kids are playing up now because it's strange dad is in the phone lol. to be honest I don't look forward to life and wish I was dead.
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