Don't know what to do anymore

LONG

I feel really depressed right now. I just don’t know what to do. I have been crying for about 2 hours and my eyes are all puffy and red. I had a really big argument with my dad which happens very often and I feel low right now because of that. I’m 19 years old and I live with my dad and my 15 year old brother. It can be hard living with them. I’m very tidy and organised which I think is partly due to living in a house which was and still is kind of opposite to that. I took on the role as a mum to my brother since she left which I think makes me a lot more stressed than I should be because I feel like I should be looking after him all the time. Me and my dad usually get into silly fights about cleaning and the jobs in the house which shouldn’t escalate as much as they do, but it just ends up with me climbing into bed, laying there for hours and staring at my phone. I give up caring about whatever else I was doing or need to do and feel very suicidal. It’s hard to explain how bad I feel, because falling out over cleaning sounds so stupid, it’s just because we argue so often, and I always feel like my dad blames me for a lot of things. I hold a lot of guilt already that he had to bring my brother and I up pretty much on his own since we were young, which is why I always offer help and ask him if he is okay every day. He is the person I worry about the most every day. Sometimes I would randomly cry during the day because I was so worried that he wasn’t happy. It’s just sad that he can switch and seem so horrible, shouting at me and sometimes calling me names. We always make up but its only temporary – I think we’re going to get better but the cycle just repeats. I never know what to do in these situations because he can be evil when he’s angry, then changes to the nicest person when other people are around. I never know if it’s my fault that we argue, because that is what he makes it seem like, or if it’s his fault. Even if it was my fault it’s hard to feel love towards him when he loses his temper. I have written him letters, and we have talked for hours and hours where I try to explain how I’m feeling and that I am stressed because of the past and what I’m dealing with. I ask him to be more thoughtful about what he says because I can sometimes hold onto what he says for months, then feel overwhelming guilt and anxiety about things I have done wrong and how bad of a daughter I am, but it doesn’t really make a difference because he still says things that make me feel guilty. I don't know if he does it on purpose or not.

I get sad that I don’t think my dad understands me and what I’m dealing with. He didn’t believe I’ve ever felt depressed, even though I was given anti depressants by the doctor and used to lie in bed all day and never do anything. it was hard for me to say but I actually explained that I had felt suicidal before and he seemed to understand a bit more. He doesn’t know I still feel like that though, I don't think. But now it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. I shout at my brother often, mostly for doing annoying brotherly things, but I am doing it in a way that I used to see my friends mum’s do it to their children when they needed to be told what to do. He sits in his room all day with the curtains closed and a messy bedroom playing on his Xbox. My dad doesn’t tell him to clean his room, or to do something else for a bit, I do. So when my dad tells me I don’t need to do all this stuff and carry a weight around on my shoulders, I still do it because no one else will. I ask him to come on walks with me but he never does. I make sure he has done his homework, I try to get us all to watch movies together but he just goes up in his room. ( we do sometimes watch movies which I enjoy, but rarely). Whenever I tell my brother off my dad shouts at me, not him. I do know that I am onto my brother a lot, and I need to tone down the stressful shouting, I just don’t know how to because I’m so stressed by what he does and how he doesn’t listen. They mess up the house all the time when I ask them to keep it clean. It’s hard living with two boys! I know I get more stressed than a person should be about mess, but it doesn’t mean they should just ignore me kindly asking them to do this and that. I have explained to my dad that I feel that it’s a mother and fathers job to look after their children and keep the house tidy, with the children doing their occasional chores. He took on the responsibility to become a parent when he decided to have kids with my mum. I don’t have kids, but I have landed this big responsibility that I never asked for which includes cleaning up after them and doing a lot of jobs a mother would usually do. I wish he would be more grateful to me, because I’m not a parent, I’m a 19 year old girl who doesn’t want to feel this way. I feel like it’s affected a lot of areas in my life.(I do know there are many many people my age worse off and harder working than me.) I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get stressed about what I’m dealing with: I don’t have the power of a mother looking after her kids, because my brother just ignores me which he wouldn’t do to his mum, but I have to do the ‘motherly’ jobs because the house would become a tip and everything would be unorganised if I didn’t. I just feel stressed that sometimes I feel like the adult looking after 2 kids and I think my dad should help me. He does a looooot, he has done so much and I’ll never forget how much he has done for us, but I’m just trying to explain my situation. I’m older now and would prefer to live on my own and do my own thing, because i'm tired of feeling so stressed. This is honestly a big part of why I don’t want children. I already feel like a mum and I hate it. Not doing it again.

I’m sorry I’ve just been rambling on about household chores, it sounds pathetic. I’m just not the greatest person at explaining things. I’m just hoping some people can help me figure out what to do from the information I’ve given.

Right now I feel really sad and feel like completely giving up on everything that I don’t know what to do. I cry like this a lot and feel suicidal a lot, but I never act on it, but today the urge was very strong. I felt that if there was a gun next to me that I would definitely use it. I have completely given up on looking after myself. I feel extremely self-conscious all the time and I avoid almost everything so I don’t have to see anyone and they don’t have to see me. I cancel plans last minute with stupid reasons because I want to lie in bed and don’t have the energy to make myself look fairly presentable. I know I should use this as something to encourage me to take care of myself, but it doesn’t work. I have struggled with binge eating for over a year. I haven’t eaten healthy in so long. I spend all my money on junk food and I don’t even regret it and I’ve given up looking after my skin. I would say I never exercise but I do walk my dog so that is something. My dog is the most beautiful and best thing I have in my life. I am so thankful for him and I know I would feel so much worse in life if I didn’t have him. However, sometimes it’s so hard to get out of bed that I can’t take him for a walk, and I feel so guilty.

For a long time, I have set goals, got excited about the thought of reaching them, then felt depressed due to things happening in my life, and giving up trying to work towards them. Setting goals doesn’t help me anymore. For example, when I want to eat bad food, I set a goal of losing weight and why. It doesn’t help. The thought of it being years before anything good like that could happen completely puts me off. I know that people say in 10 years you would have wished you had started, but every time I try to plan my goals, I just think that something bad is bound to come along along the way, and it will set me back, or maybe I’ll actually get to a point where I want to commit suicide, so there’s no point working towards what I want to do now because life will become so bad that I’ll die anyway (dramatic sorry). I always get sparks of motivation, little moments of joy thinking I’ll achieve the things I want, but it doesn’t last, and I just don’t think the work is worth it. If I knew what I was working towards in life, I think motivation would help me, but I haven’t felt happiness or content in so long and don’t know where I’m going, so I just feel completely lost and no quotes or motivational pictures will help me. I feel tired all the time and have reached the point where nothing excites me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have one close friend, but we don’t talk about stuff like this, or she just laughs it off and talks about something else. Also, she isn’t the best at giving advice. Often I feel like she is annoyed at me and doesn’t like me anymore and we are quite different to one another, and I don't its's a good sign that I feel like this. I always find myself longing for someone in my life who is like me, understands me and someone I can laugh till I cry with. I used to have that with someone, and I miss that friend a lot. Every time I talk about her with someone I cry, I didn’t realise I missed her so much. I consider writing her letters and wishing we could have what we used to have. I want to be there for her because I know she had a difficult life, but I just think she probably has a new best friend and is doing fine and doesn’t think about me. I have one friend who lives in a different city than me, so I don’t know how to work things out with her. She is a good friend though when we’re together, but I am always the first one making contact to actually do something, so I feel like she doesn’t care. I have a very large family, but I don’t like being with them because they are all girls older than me who have boyfriends and babies, which is all they talk about, so I feel awkward when they ask me questions like that, because I don’t really relate, and I feel like they’re judging me. (I feel like this about everyone though, which is a big problem in my life). They all have sisters and a mum and nana, so they are much more confident than me, and have had people their whole life to talk to about girly stuff. I don’t have that. I wonder what it would be like to have a mum who I could talk to about everything. I have females in my family on both sides, but it’s just not the same, I don't feel confident talking to them. My auntie always tells me I’m being silly and not to stress my dad out as he has to deal with a lot (which I very much know) so I shouldn’t be acting like this. She is nice and caring and I consider asking to stay with her for a while but she can be harder to deal with than my dad sometimes and she makes me feel sad and stressed. I don't like thinking this way because I think I need to be more grateful that I have so many people I could talk to, but it's hard for me. I have a mum, but we have an awful relationship. I’ve tried countless times to fix it but I know for a fact it will never be fixed, and I’ve gotten through the times where I needed her the most, on my own, so I don’t need her now. Often I get angry that she wasn’t here when I needed her. I don’t know anything about fashion (I know that’s not a huge deal lol), making friends and other girly stuff and school was the worst 5 years I’ve had so far in life. I blame her for all of that. I'm not going to go into detail about her because I know the best thing I can do is cut her out of my life., which I have done. I used to feel sorry for her but I don't anymore. She is very toxic and there is no point giving her more chances. I don't even think I love her anymore. She said I was the cause of her depression, thanks mum.

I recently got a job, which is good, it’s kind of helping me keep a routine but not well. I hate this job though, it’s so boring. I keep missing my breakfast because I have to get to work by 6 and it’s hard to wake up early so I end up eating rubbish food when I get there. Everyone seems moody and I am rushing around hoping people aren’t looking at me because I feel so self-conscious. I remember when I was in school I’d force myself out of bed, straighten my hair, put on loads of makeup (badly) and be ready on time. Now I get out of bed 10 minutes before I have to be at work, throw my clothes on, don’t have anything to eat or drink, sometimes wash my face, and usually forget something because I’m rushing out the door. I know what I have to do to improve, but I don’t want to go through the process. I hold a lot of anger about having to get a crappy job and work somewhere you hate just to get the things you want in 10 years or so. I don’t think it’s worth it. I really don’t. I know what I want. If I could be granted a wish right now it would be to live in a different country next to the beach with my dog in my own house… haha. I guess the thought of that would motivate some people, but like I said, long term goals just don’t seem to help me anymore. I understand this is mostly down to my depression, because it takes a lot of positivity and happiness out of your life, but I am feeling this why because of the situation I am in right now and how my life is currently. I don’t want to deal with it anymore but I have to, and that depresses me, leading to me not seeing the point in anything. I know I’m being very negative, but I just don’t want to wait and work for what I want. No matter what people say about it, that I have to work or I won’t get money, it doesn’t help. It just frustrates me and then I give up and feel depressed again because I don’t have a clue where I’m going in life and have no passion to do anything.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, but I just don’t know how to get out of this situation I’m in. I have read all the information you could possibly read about motivation and discipline etc. I know what I need to do in the aspect of achieving your goals, and I know medication helps improve your mood, but like I said, I am not passionate or happy enough in life for any of this to help me. (I do think my hormones are all messed up though so I’m planning to go to the doctors soon, but it’s not really going to change my negative thoughts though is it? 😕 )

Anyway, thank you for reading this, I hope it made sense. I’m not the best person at explaining things and I promise I’m not as blunt in real life as I come across writing this lol. I am getting therapy - I’ve only had 2 sessions and they have been fairly helpful, but it’s once a week for 30 minutes so it’s difficult waiting and having so much I want to say but I can’t because of the limited time. I guess, and hope this will help improve my negative thoughts though. Right now, I’m lying in bed, watching Friends and writing this. I know theres things I can do right now but I’m tired of my same boring routine, just washing up and cleaning all the time and I’m also feeling sad and angry at my dad, so my motivation is just gone. I’ll get to a point in the week where I regret not sorting stuff out today for next week, but right now I just can’t. Annoyingly I need to write every single thing down, print off a routine of what I need to do, write down a meal plan, follow my tidying routine, prep all my meals etc. before I actually feel like I’m organised. I’m trying to meal prep on a Sunday so I don’t get stressed at the mess in the kitchen because there won’t be as much, but I can’t do it now because I’ve wasted so much time sitting here. If I mess up one day I usually give up on what I’m doing for the whole week . I am a lucky person, I am aware that I have a lot of things in life that so many people don’t have. I’m not an ungrateful person, but unfortunately, I still have bad relationships, no drive, and bad mental health problems, which all the money in the world couldn’t fix.

Sorry for rambling on, I just feel overwhelmed, and I’m sorry if at parts in this I seem ungrateful and that I could have it worse. Thanks again to anyone who sees this x

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