Don't know what to do anymore

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I feel really depressed right now. I just don’t know what to do. I have been crying for about 2 hours and my eyes are all puffy and red. I had a really big argument with my dad which happens very often and I feel low right now because of that. I’m 19 years old and I live with my dad and my 15 year old brother. It can be hard living with them. I’m very tidy and organised which I think is partly due to living in a house which was and still is kind of opposite to that. I took on the role as a mum to my brother since she left which I think makes me a lot more stressed than I should be because I feel like I should be looking after him all the time. Me and my dad usually get into silly fights about cleaning and the jobs in the house which shouldn’t escalate as much as they do, but it just ends up with me climbing into bed, laying there for hours and staring at my phone. I give up caring about whatever else I was doing or need to do and feel very suicidal. It’s hard to explain how bad I feel, because falling out over cleaning sounds so stupid, it’s just because we argue so often, and I always feel like my dad blames me for a lot of things. I hold a lot of guilt already that he had to bring my brother and I up pretty much on his own since we were young, which is why I always offer help and ask him if he is okay every day. He is the person I worry about the most every day. Sometimes I would randomly cry during the day because I was so worried that he wasn’t happy. It’s just sad that he can switch and seem so horrible, shouting at me and sometimes calling me names. We always make up but its only temporary – I think we’re going to get better but the cycle just repeats. I never know what to do in these situations because he can be evil when he’s angry, then changes to the nicest person when other people are around. I never know if it’s my fault that we argue, because that is what he makes it seem like, or if it’s his fault. Even if it was my fault it’s hard to feel love towards him when he loses his temper. I have written him letters, and we have talked for hours and hours where I try to explain how I’m feeling and that I am stressed because of the past and what I’m dealing with. I ask him to be more thoughtful about what he says because I can sometimes hold onto what he says for months, then feel overwhelming guilt and anxiety about things I have done wrong and how bad of a daughter I am, but it doesn’t really make a difference because he still says things that make me feel guilty. I don't know if he does it on purpose or not.

I get sad that I don’t think my dad understands me and what I’m dealing with. He didn’t believe I’ve ever felt depressed, even though I was given anti depressants by the doctor and used to lie in bed all day and never do anything. it was hard for me to say but I actually explained that I had felt suicidal before and he seemed to understand a bit more. He doesn’t know I still feel like that though, I don't think. But now it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. I shout at my brother often, mostly for doing annoying brotherly things, but I am doing it in a way that I used to see my friends mum’s do it to their children when they needed to be told what to do. He sits in his room all day with the curtains closed and a messy bedroom playing on his Xbox. My dad doesn’t tell him to clean his room, or to do something else for a bit, I do. So when my dad tells me I don’t need to do all this stuff and carry a weight around on my shoulders, I still do it because no one else will. I ask him to come on walks with me but he never does. I make sure he has done his homework, I try to get us all to watch movies together but he just goes up in his room. ( we do sometimes watch movies which I enjoy, but rarely). Whenever I tell my brother off my dad shouts at me, not him. I do know that I am onto my brother a lot, and I need to tone down the stressful shouting, I just don’t know how to because I’m so stressed by what he does and how he doesn’t listen. They mess up the house all the time when I ask them to keep it clean. It’s hard living with two boys! I know I get more stressed than a person should be about mess, but it doesn’t mean they should just ignore me kindly asking them to do this and that. I have explained to my dad that I feel that it’s a mother and fathers job to look after their children and keep the house tidy, with the children doing their occasional chores. He took on the responsibility to become a parent when he decided to have kids with my mum. I don’t have kids, but I have landed this big responsibility that I never asked for which includes cleaning up after them and doing a lot of jobs a mother would usually do. I wish he would be more grateful to me, because I’m not a parent, I’m a 19 year old girl who doesn’t want to feel this way. I feel like it’s affected a lot of areas in my life.(I do know there are many many people my age worse off and harder working than me.) I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get stressed about what I’m dealing with: I don’t have the power of a mother looking after her kids, because my brother just ignores me which he wouldn’t do to his mum, but I have to do the ‘motherly’ jobs because the house would become a tip and everything would be unorganised if I didn’t. I just feel stressed that sometimes I feel like the adult looking after 2 kids and I think my dad should help me. He does a looooot, he has done so much and I’ll never forget how much he has done for us, but I’m just trying to explain my situation. I’m older now and would prefer to live on my own and do my own thing, because i'm tired of feeling so stressed. This is honestly a big part of why I don’t want children. I already feel like a mum and I hate it. Not doing it again.

I’m sorry I’ve just been rambling on about household chores, it sounds pathetic. I’m just not the greatest person at explaining things. I’m just hoping some people can help me figure out what to do from the information I’ve given.

Right now I feel really sad and feel like completely giving up on everything that I don’t know what to do. I cry like this a lot and feel suicidal a lot, but I never act on it, but today the urge was very strong. I felt that if there was a gun next to me that I would definitely use it. I have completely given up on looking after myself. I feel extremely self-conscious all the time and I avoid almost everything so I don’t have to see anyone and they don’t have to see me. I cancel plans last minute with stupid reasons because I want to lie in bed and don’t have the energy to make myself look fairly presentable. I know I should use this as something to encourage me to take care of myself, but it doesn’t work. I have struggled with binge eating for over a year. I haven’t eaten healthy in so long. I spend all my money on junk food and I don’t even regret it and I’ve given up looking after my skin. I would say I never exercise but I do walk my dog so that is something. My dog is the most beautiful and best thing I have in my life. I am so thankful for him and I know I would feel so much worse in life if I didn’t have him. However, sometimes it’s so hard to get out of bed that I can’t take him for a walk, and I feel so guilty.

For a long time, I have set goals, got excited about the thought of reaching them, then felt depressed due to things happening in my life, and giving up trying to work towards them. Setting goals doesn’t help me anymore. For example, when I want to eat bad food, I set a goal of losing weight and why. It doesn’t help. The thought of it being years before anything good like that could happen completely puts me off. I know that people say in 10 years you would have wished you had started, but every time I try to plan my goals, I just think that something bad is bound to come along along the way, and it will set me back, or maybe I’ll actually get to a point where I want to commit suicide, so there’s no point working towards what I want to do now because life will become so bad that I’ll die anyway (dramatic sorry). I always get sparks of motivation, little moments of joy thinking I’ll achieve the things I want, but it doesn’t last, and I just don’t think the work is worth it. If I knew what I was working towards in life, I think motivation would help me, but I haven’t felt happiness or content in so long and don’t know where I’m going, so I just feel completely lost and no quotes or motivational pictures will help me. I feel tired all the time and have reached the point where nothing excites me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have one close friend, but we don’t talk about stuff like this, or she just laughs it off and talks about something else. Also, she isn’t the best at giving advice. Often I feel like she is annoyed at me and doesn’t like me anymore and we are quite different to one another, and I don't its's a good sign that I feel like this. I always find myself longing for someone in my life who is like me, understands me and someone I can laugh till I cry with. I used to have that with someone, and I miss that friend a lot. Every time I talk about her with someone I cry, I didn’t realise I missed her so much. I consider writing her letters and wishing we could have what we used to have. I want to be there for her because I know she had a difficult life, but I just think she probably has a new best friend and is doing fine and doesn’t think about me. I have one friend who lives in a different city than me, so I don’t know how to work things out with her. She is a good friend though when we’re together, but I am always the first one making contact to actually do something, so I feel like she doesn’t care. I have a very large family, but I don’t like being with them because they are all girls older than me who have boyfriends and babies, which is all they talk about, so I feel awkward when they ask me questions like that, because I don’t really relate, and I feel like they’re judging me. (I feel like this about everyone though, which is a big problem in my life). They all have sisters and a mum and nana, so they are much more confident than me, and have had people their whole life to talk to about girly stuff. I don’t have that. I wonder what it would be like to have a mum who I could talk to about everything. I have females in my family on both sides, but it’s just not the same, I don't feel confident talking to them. My auntie always tells me I’m being silly and not to stress my dad out as he has to deal with a lot (which I very much know) so I shouldn’t be acting like this. She is nice and caring and I consider asking to stay with her for a while but she can be harder to deal with than my dad sometimes and she makes me feel sad and stressed. I don't like thinking this way because I think I need to be more grateful that I have so many people I could talk to, but it's hard for me. I have a mum, but we have an awful relationship. I’ve tried countless times to fix it but I know for a fact it will never be fixed, and I’ve gotten through the times where I needed her the most, on my own, so I don’t need her now. Often I get angry that she wasn’t here when I needed her. I don’t know anything about fashion (I know that’s not a huge deal lol), making friends and other girly stuff and school was the worst 5 years I’ve had so far in life. I blame her for all of that. I'm not going to go into detail about her because I know the best thing I can do is cut her out of my life., which I have done. I used to feel sorry for her but I don't anymore. She is very toxic and there is no point giving her more chances. I don't even think I love her anymore. She said I was the cause of her depression, thanks mum.

I recently got a job, which is good, it’s kind of helping me keep a routine but not well. I hate this job though, it’s so boring. I keep missing my breakfast because I have to get to work by 6 and it’s hard to wake up early so I end up eating rubbish food when I get there. Everyone seems moody and I am rushing around hoping people aren’t looking at me because I feel so self-conscious. I remember when I was in school I’d force myself out of bed, straighten my hair, put on loads of makeup (badly) and be ready on time. Now I get out of bed 10 minutes before I have to be at work, throw my clothes on, don’t have anything to eat or drink, sometimes wash my face, and usually forget something because I’m rushing out the door. I know what I have to do to improve, but I don’t want to go through the process. I hold a lot of anger about having to get a crappy job and work somewhere you hate just to get the things you want in 10 years or so. I don’t think it’s worth it. I really don’t. I know what I want. If I could be granted a wish right now it would be to live in a different country next to the beach with my dog in my own house… haha. I guess the thought of that would motivate some people, but like I said, long term goals just don’t seem to help me anymore. I understand this is mostly down to my depression, because it takes a lot of positivity and happiness out of your life, but I am feeling this why because of the situation I am in right now and how my life is currently. I don’t want to deal with it anymore but I have to, and that depresses me, leading to me not seeing the point in anything. I know I’m being very negative, but I just don’t want to wait and work for what I want. No matter what people say about it, that I have to work or I won’t get money, it doesn’t help. It just frustrates me and then I give up and feel depressed again because I don’t have a clue where I’m going in life and have no passion to do anything.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, but I just don’t know how to get out of this situation I’m in. I have read all the information you could possibly read about motivation and discipline etc. I know what I need to do in the aspect of achieving your goals, and I know medication helps improve your mood, but like I said, I am not passionate or happy enough in life for any of this to help me. (I do think my hormones are all messed up though so I’m planning to go to the doctors soon, but it’s not really going to change my negative thoughts though is it? 😕 )

Anyway, thank you for reading this, I hope it made sense. I’m not the best person at explaining things and I promise I’m not as blunt in real life as I come across writing this lol. I am getting therapy - I’ve only had 2 sessions and they have been fairly helpful, but it’s once a week for 30 minutes so it’s difficult waiting and having so much I want to say but I can’t because of the limited time. I guess, and hope this will help improve my negative thoughts though. Right now, I’m lying in bed, watching Friends and writing this. I know theres things I can do right now but I’m tired of my same boring routine, just washing up and cleaning all the time and I’m also feeling sad and angry at my dad, so my motivation is just gone. I’ll get to a point in the week where I regret not sorting stuff out today for next week, but right now I just can’t. Annoyingly I need to write every single thing down, print off a routine of what I need to do, write down a meal plan, follow my tidying routine, prep all my meals etc. before I actually feel like I’m organised. I’m trying to meal prep on a Sunday so I don’t get stressed at the mess in the kitchen because there won’t be as much, but I can’t do it now because I’ve wasted so much time sitting here. If I mess up one day I usually give up on what I’m doing for the whole week . I am a lucky person, I am aware that I have a lot of things in life that so many people don’t have. I’m not an ungrateful person, but unfortunately, I still have bad relationships, no drive, and bad mental health problems, which all the money in the world couldn’t fix.

Sorry for rambling on, I just feel overwhelmed, and I’m sorry if at parts in this I seem ungrateful and that I could have it worse. Thanks again to anyone who sees this x

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Tasha1999

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    HI Tasha

    i hope things get better in your life as we have all been there

    What I WOULD say as an oldie is that dont make the same mistake as me .

    YOU would be best of actually sticking to your goals stick with your job , save and move out from your dads place and get your own independance as you will bot grow.

    You beed to get out of this icious circle and start afresh a ti depressents are not a magic pill and do bot solve family dysfunction . BY all means try counselling vut if your father has a havit of manipulating you and reeling you out and then reeling you in this will not help your own Mh and you will become more depressed

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    • Posted

      Hi David, thank you, I hope I get better too. Thank you for reading my post and replying, it means a lot. I'll stick with my job - at least i'm getting money, I just need to push myself through the situation I'm in now so it improves later on but my problem is having the patience to do that 😦

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  • Posted

    Well you are not your brother's mother so I would step back a lot and just get on with your own life. Your brother at 15 is well capable of looking after himself and not leaving you to do it all. Your father is the parent so let him parent him. He is NOT your responsibility after all but your fathers. Let him deal with his laziness and tantrums.

    Just look forward to when you can leave home and live your life how you want. x

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    • Posted

      Hello, you're right, I know I need to focus on myself more than my brother. Whenever I've tried to help him he doesn't do anything so I guess he needs to see himself what doing nothing will lead to. Sometimes it's hard not to get involved with my brother because my dad isn't very good at dealing with him. He says he will punish him but he never does so I get frustrated that my brother is being let off all the time and continuing to be lazy and messy. I'll try and let him learn from his mistakes himself though.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to reply x

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    • Posted

      You are more than welcome tasha. If your brother is lazy and messy don't clean up after him - leave it to your father.

      You will be away from there one day so look forward to that. They can then argue with each other and live in a tip if they want to! x

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  • Posted

    you not alone with mental health problems 2018 was a total write off year for me and 2019 starting to go there also. Just take 1 day at a time and some but not too much housework. take 30 mins breaks. You need an outlet somewhere, where would that be though, that's where you need some help from someone else, try speaking to a voluntary organisation maybe

    please also try medication which definitely will help your resilience but it is only part of answer.

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    • Posted

      Hi Richard, it's crazy to me just how many people deal with mental health problems, its a shame, I feel so bad for everyone! 😦 thanks for reading my post, sorry it was so long, lol. I'll try taking breaks with housework, I overwhelm myself with too many things. What do you mean by an outlet? Like somewhere to take my mind off things? I do need that, I will look into volunteering. Me and my therapist have been talking about how I never do anything that makes me happy, even just baking cookies or something, so I'm trying to schedule time to do things like that, hopefully I'll feel happier. i'll stick with my medication, I keep missing it which I know only makes things worse 😦

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  • Posted

    Hi Tasha, you poor girl, i really feel for you, your job may be rubbish but at least you get out of the house! I would like to know where your childhood went, you brother is? Just that a brother! Your dad is the one who should feel guilt. Did you ever get a young carers support group to help you, to make you feel normal? You need support, I'm convinced of it, because nobody supported you.i wish you best of luck and i apologise for how bad others have made you feel. You deserve a medal never mind stick.

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    • Posted

      Hello Sam, thanks so much for reading and replying to my post. Yeah I have been in a slump with no job for ages so I'm lucky to have got this one and I'm going to stick with it, then I'm not worrying so much about what I have to do at home. My childhood was good for the most part, me and my brother were very close. Sadly I remember all the bad things that happened, which were all to do with my mum (even though she says I'm lying and she never did anything bad). These deep rooted memories are what seem to be affecting me the most, because they're causing me a lot of guilt and stress 😦 I never went to a young carers support group, that would have helped a lot! I definitely think I feel like I have to look after everyone because I've done it from such a young age. My dad would go to meetings at 5 in the morning so when I was 10 years old I'd get up, wake my brother up and get us ready and walk to school. I'm getting therapy which is actually really helpful, so I'm going to keep doing that, however we haven't really talked about my past/ childhood/ mum yet, which I think I need to do, we are just talking about my daily problems. You're so lovely thank you for saying that, it's so nice to feel supported 😃 x

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  • Posted

    Thank you to those who have read my post and replied, I'm sorry about how long it was! I wanted to change what I said a bit and shorten but annoyingly you can't edit on here. Oh well, sorry for the rambling. I just finished work and had my third counselling session which was good, I'm going to read the replies now 😃

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  • Posted

    Hi dear, Try to practice yoga, listen music, meditate, Eat well balance diet, limit your alcohol and caffeine, the most important Get Enough Sleep. One thing Accept that you cannot control everything and always maintain positive attitude. If all not works try to talk to a physician or healthcare consultant for professional help.

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    • Posted

      Hello, thank you for replying. I will take your advice, but I usually give up on looking after myself because I don't really know what I'm doing it for. I'd prefer to make it easy and have junk food and stay up late instead of eating and exercising well. Can you give me any advice on this? I don't have reason to look after myself. If it's a complicated question you don't have to answer lol. Thanks for reading!

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  • Posted

    Hi Tasha,

    First of all appreciate me that I just read the whole story, it was very long, all I can say is that you think too deeply and thinking too much deep in this age of life is not good, you should enjoy your life and ignore the things which is opposite to your nature. I wanted to be your friend, if you are on insta let me know we can be friends.

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for reading the whole thing, sorry it was so long! I know I think to deeply I just don't know how to stop it 😦 Thanks for the advice though. Yeah I have insta! I'll send you my name 😃

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