Don't know why I keep trying

I've been depressed and had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It's very hard for me to be left alone without feeling like I'm going crazy or going to kill myself. My boyfriend is currently in Utah. He's not answering my calls or texts. I've had problems with him in the past but think things are going well right now. It's stressing me out him being gone for almost 5 days now and him suddenly not answering me. I also have some anger issues but never get physical about it and it doesn't happen often. Usually the anger and stress just result with me in tears wishing I was dead. When I tell him I don't think we spend enough time together because we both work different hours and days and he wants to play videogames for hours and hours, he's told me to get a hobby. I know I should be more independent but I'm a quiet person with no friends outside of work and personally enjoy his company more so then doing something that is difficult for me to enjoy alone. I don't find joy easily, being with him is relief and it makes me happy. I know this is unhealthy, but there is honestly nothing else to be happy about these days. I don't tell him about my suicidal instances. I broke once in front of him he didn't take it well. He said he's bad at comforting. He also gets upset or angry if I'm upset or angry and we take it out on each other but it's also not something that happens often and were always able to work through it. I hate myself, living, and most people. Though hate is a strong word I use it quite often and most often about other people and how disgustingly the society I've been living in for so long has turned out. Drugs everywhere, children shooting children, and though I am also guilty of this one, the absolute loss of feeling and empathy for each other. Still no reply or calls. I don't want sympathy for my own idiotic ways or thinking. Go ahead and be harsh and if you can, tell me what needs to be done.

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