Posted , 2 users are following.
My names Andy. I'm 22 and I think I'm a little depressed. ...Honestly I think that's an incredible understatement. I think the last time I was truly happy & I mean truly carefree was Autumn 2009. I've never really addressed the way I feel in this way before, there's a part of me that thinks its a weakness or some rubbish like that. (That's my dad talking I think)
Anyway I can't describe the way I feel often, which I assume is common in people who feel they are depressed. I sometimes find myself remembering being a kid at home with mum & dad & my sister & our cats & I feel sad. I find myself wishing I could go back to that time in my life when I had no real worries, no responsibilities. It probably sounds wierd but I miss not knowing things, not being aware of the world & the way things work.
At the end of 2009 my dear Grandad died just before Christmas. And that seemed to be the turning point. Every good thing that happened after that seemed to be followed by something really bad. I had a string of relationships that each ended horribly, one time it was entirely my fault & I ended up hating myself.
At the end of 2011 one of my best friends was struck down with leukaemia at the age of 19. At the time I was at university & was unable to visit her regularly. She had a really hard time recovering & going through treatment & it was ruining me that I was too far away to really support her. Thankfully this year she's emerged on the other side & she's more or less back to her old self. She's different tho, as I assume everyone changes going through a process like that, she seems happier than she has ever been.
I don't feel happy anymore. Or rather when I do its always short lived. Events that have transpired for me personally these last 5 years have just crippled me. I've witnessed friends change into people who I don't recognize. And more and more I find myself remembering how good things used to be when I was in school, how much more simple my life was.
I had nothing to worry about except what toys I wanted to play with that evening after school. These days I worry about everything, something I never used to do. I worry about money & finding a job. I worry about my health A LOT, I used to be a bit of a hypochondriac when I was little, but that went away as I got to high school & mellowed out I suppose.
I worry about cancer a lot these days. It became very real to me when my friend got Leukaemia. I myself last year was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis after having lived with the symptoms on and off since 2010. Its a chronic illness that I'll have for the rest of my life and if I'm not careful I could end up with cancer.
I don't really exercise. I occasionally go through bouts of weightlifting for a few weeks every year but I don't ever seem to commit fully to it. It might be worthwhile saying I don't drink at all. I used to have one or two pints when I used to go out but that was it. But now my Colitis more or less forbids me from alcohol since alcohol can set me off with a flare up. I used to smoke marijuana in college but I would say I only ever did it about 5 times. It made me feel more sick every time I had it, so I just stopped saying yes when it was offered. I don't do any drugs of any kind.
I feel that because I don't drink or do any drugs or exercise much I don't have a release in a way. I'm always very stressed out. I never really get angry, even when I maybe should. I just seem to bottle things & end up hating myself for whatever reason. I was thinking of going to my doctor to talk about how I've been feeling for the last few years, but I don't know if its worth it. I feel as though I would be wasting my doctor's time. I don't like the idea of anti-depressants, I've heard they can make you worse. And I suppose I don't like the idea of taking pills to alter the chemicals in my brain to merely mask my depression. I've never thought of killing myself or others, but its been a very long time since I've been genuinely happy with myself and my life.
Any advice would be helpful, maybe if anyone feels similar to me. A kind word or two maybe would help me feel better. Should I see my doctor? Would she force anti-depressants on me?
Thanks for reading,
0 likes, 6 replies