Don't quite know how to say it.

Posted , 2 users are following.

Hello everyone,

My names Andy. I'm 22 and I think I'm a little depressed. ...Honestly I think that's an incredible understatement. I think the last time I was truly happy & I mean truly carefree was Autumn 2009. I've never really addressed the way I feel in this way before, there's a part of me that thinks its a weakness or some rubbish like that. (That's my dad talking I think)

Anyway I can't describe the way I feel often, which I assume is common in people who feel they are depressed. I sometimes find myself remembering being a kid at home with mum & dad & my sister & our cats & I feel sad. I find myself wishing I could go back to that time in my life when I had no real worries, no responsibilities. It probably sounds wierd but I miss not knowing things, not being aware of the world & the way things work.

At the end of 2009 my dear Grandad died just before Christmas. And that seemed to be the turning point. Every good thing that happened after that seemed to be followed by something really bad. I had a string of relationships that each ended horribly, one time it was entirely my fault & I ended up hating myself.

At the end of 2011 one of my best friends was struck down with leukaemia at the age of 19. At the time I was at university & was unable to visit her regularly. She had a really hard time recovering & going through treatment & it was ruining me that I was too far away to really support her. Thankfully this year she's emerged on the other side & she's more or less back to her old self. She's different tho, as I assume everyone changes going through a process like that, she seems happier than she has ever been.

I don't feel happy anymore. Or rather when I do its always short lived. Events that have transpired for me personally these last 5 years have just crippled me. I've witnessed friends change into people who I don't recognize. And more and more I find myself remembering how good things used to be when I was in school, how much more simple my life was.

I had nothing to worry about except what toys I wanted to play with that evening after school. These days I worry about everything, something I never used to do. I worry about money & finding a job. I worry about my health A LOT, I used to be a bit of a hypochondriac when I was little, but that went away as I got to high school & mellowed out I suppose.

I worry about cancer a lot these days. It became very real to me when my friend got Leukaemia. I myself last year was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis after having lived with the symptoms on and off since 2010. Its a chronic illness that I'll have for the rest of my life and if I'm not careful I could end up with cancer.

I don't really exercise. I occasionally go through bouts of weightlifting for a few weeks every year but I don't ever seem to commit fully to it. It might be worthwhile saying I don't drink at all. I used to have one or two pints when I used to go out but that was it. But now my Colitis more or less forbids me from alcohol since alcohol can set me off with a flare up. I used to smoke marijuana in college but I would say I only ever did it about 5 times. It made me feel more sick every time I had it, so I just stopped saying yes when it was offered. I don't do any drugs of any kind.

I feel that because I don't drink or do any drugs or exercise much I don't have a release in a way. I'm always very stressed out. I never really get angry, even when I maybe should. I just seem to bottle things & end up hating myself for whatever reason. I was thinking of going to my doctor to talk about how I've been feeling for the last few years, but I don't know if its worth it. I feel as though I would be wasting my doctor's time. I don't like the idea of anti-depressants, I've heard they can make you worse. And I suppose I don't like the idea of taking pills to alter the chemicals in my brain to merely mask my depression. I've never thought of killing myself or others, but its been a very long time since I've been genuinely happy with myself and my life.

Any advice would be helpful, maybe if anyone feels similar to me. A kind word or two maybe would help me feel better. Should I see my doctor? Would she force anti-depressants on me?

Thanks for reading,


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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Andy,

    Want you to know that you are not alone and you should seek help from your Doctor. You should not feel like you would be wasting his or her time. Depression is a very common disease which occur to the best of us and is treatable with or without anti-depressants. I have been on anti-depressants for 8 years now and it just helped not feel so sad at all times. But the REAL thing that helped me with my depression is Therapy. I seeked help and the person that I worked with was amazing. I still feel sad at times or feel depressed, however, she gave me the tools to use and work with in order to feel happy and not get depressed. Hopefully this makes sense.

    I wish you luck and hope that you will go and seek help. You should not waster another year of un-happiness when you can live your life being happy! Take care

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  • Posted

    Hello Andy, I agree with the last reply, please go to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. I was very messed up at 21 and felt much like you do. Losing a close family member like your Grandad can have a very serious impact on how you feel about life. It's a reality check, life isn't for ever and much of it is difficult. Don't underestimate the value of the 'talking therapies', hopefully your doc will suggest some form of counselling even possibly bereavement counselling to start the healing process and help you pick up on the life you should be enjoying at your age. Trust me, it's doesn't get any easier but it is possible to find ways of coping so that you can fit into life again and feel better. I doubt that a GP would suggest anti-depressants straight away and anyhow you can always say 'No'. Good luck, Alison
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  • Posted

    Hi again,

    Thank you both for replying, it means a lot that someone did. I made a call to my doctor's office today & I've booked myself in for a Tuesday morning visit this week. I feel I've taken a step in the right direction.

    Thanks for your advice and support.


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  • Posted

    Hi Andy

    Great to hear that you made that call and will see you GP.

    Good luck!

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  • Posted

    Hi Andy, Well done from me too, it's a big step admitting that you're struggling but you're doing the right thing. Take care, Alison
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  • Posted

    It took me months to get my hubby to admit he needed to see the doctor. But we finally went together.

    He could not face it alone.

    Every day is different some good some bad.

    Try to tell close family and friends

    Talk to your boss if possible

    It will be hard to admit but so worth getting people to help

    You will find your own way to cope

    We have a 1 to 10 score day. I get my hubby to tell me when he feels bad what his score is. Anything over 5 we talk about what he thinks maybe making him feel bad.

    Its a hard long process and a lot of the time i feel like i am alone especially when he retreats to "'his world"

    He sees a therapist and i have attended with him twice now. That helps me as a carer to know how i can help him.

    I wish you luck for a return to a happy life

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