Dose increase?! Will I ever be me again...

I am a little worried I'm developing slight agoraphobia but hopefully that's a side effect that don't last.

My CBT should come up in a week or two. I've had my initial assessment and they think it will be good for me. I've heard a lot of positive things about it - I hope it works for you. Keep us updated.

My other half is a gamer too luckily and he doesn't appreciate my lack of interest but he's being supportive and trying not to show it. I played some old school Civilization on the PC yesterday and got hooked for a few hours so that's a step towards recovery I hope. My Xbox is just collecting dust!

Yes, music as a therapy definitely depends on the type and how it makes you feel. I just can't bear any of it at the moment, it kind of highlights how 'wrong' my mental state it.

My work are okay - my doctor has signed me off with kidney problems as I suffer with them anyway and I asked her not to put depression down. I don't want to let on how I'm feeling either. However I think I may start to look for something else when I'm ready and perhaps change career as my job is very stressful and my doctor think it's the route cause of my anxiety. I think I'm starting to accept I need to take a step down for a while if I'm going to get better long term.

Are you keen to return to work or does it worry you?

Your depression seems to have come from being off and being injured, 'situational' I think they call it - that's a good thing, hopefully once you're better you'll be over it for good and not have to go through this again xx

I'm not sure how I feel about work. I'm in a very stressful and quite senior position myself. Whilst work have been very understanding about the physical complaint I think they'd be more wary of a mental issue due to the complexity and seriousness of the job I do.

I feel a bit better today. Less depressed but more spaced out. I do worry about the potential for bipolar though. I have chunks of time where I feel terrible and then, like this morning feel like I have too much energy and no capacity to focus it anywhere.

I'm seeing the CBT therapist on Saturday though, so will flag all of this up then. The difficult part is when I do feel better, it's like a switch has flicked and it's difficult to recall how low I've felt over the last few days. Very odd...

Anyway, hope you managed to sleep ok and you're doing ok. Try going for literally a 5 min walk. Pop some sunglasses on and just go around the block. Then REWARD yourself with a long bath or a good film. That was the only way I got out of the house following the op. I was stuck in for months, and I too sensed the onset of agoraphobia, so I do sympathise.

Back on Civ today and might try Alpha Centuri later. I even listened to a little music while playing this morning.

Have you thought about a change of career? I'm sure you're capable of going back and picking up where you left off... but I've been debating if it's worth it for me. I didn't realize my mental state was so fragile and now I'm loath to risk it again. I'm also in quite a senior position and I think I am at a point where I'd rather drop some money and a little pride and look for something easier. I don't want to go through this again.

I considered Bipolar for a while. I was told not to jump to conclusions and let the therapist do their job as if you enter into it with preconceived ideas it makes diagnosis harder. Honestly, depression can display such a range of symptoms in so many different ways - don't worry yourself that it's something more.

My insomnia is terrible but the tablets make me so tired anyway it doesn't make all that much difference if I sleep or not. I'm going for a short walk later - thank you for the advice. I like the concept of rewarding myself!

Good luck with the tharapist if we don't speak before - I'm sure it'll help.

Keep being good to yourself. Be well xx

Today has been a great day. Played some Civ and listened to music. Went shopping with by bf for an hour or so, took a long stroll through my favourite park and then came home absolutely worn out! I was a zombie for the rest of the day but my mood has been pretty positive for a few days now... Almost waiting for the catch! Still not sure I can go out alone but it's a start. Thanks for your advice!

If you want to go back to the job you were doing and your doctor thinks you're ready - there's nothing your company can do, no matter what the details of your illness are. Obviously there are some jobs where a risk assessment would be advised but unless you are a risk to yourself or others, they have a Duty of Care towards you and are obligated to make your transition back to work as simple as possible. (HR is kind of my field...) You don't have anything to worry about, except the stigma attached to mental illness by ignorance and you do not have discose the details of that if you'd rather not. My only concern is if you should want to return to a stressful role now. Our minds are clearly a little more fragile that we thought - is all this really worth it? Honestly, I'd hate the paycut but a bottom level job after all these years of stress sounds really appealling for now.

And thanks again for your great advice - I will ask the doc about Mirtazipan. Had insomnia all my life but it's getting ridiculous - I'm getting perhaps 1-3 hours in every 24 and that's all broken into short naps. Still, the delusions that are bound to start soon might be fun!

Sleep well xx

Good to hear (some) of your update - you seem quite an altruistic person, and the comments about the returning to work all ring true in my experience (of others but not myself - haha).

My job is quite stressful but I personally find it to be exactly the distraction that I need.

I had to open up to my managers 6 months ago and basically come clean about everything... there was a lot to tell them.

They were fantastic, they continue to be fantastic. I know that this is pretty much unique. I work in a heavy industry and was part of a shift team for 20 years, this kind of made them my family. Some of them in turn, opened up to me.

I used to be a union rep and had some dealings with issues not too dissimilar to my own. My advise to anyone is to find someone that you can be open with.... and share!

Not have the best day today - moods okay but finding it hard to communicate. I just wanted to thank you for your messages and Richo, thank you for sharing. As Mike said, I cannot possibly begin to understand your situation and the strength required to handle it - but you are clearly an amazing person for persevering and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Mike I'm glad you're on the up again, just enjoy the little things and try not to focus too much on the big stuff until you've leveled out a little more.

I'll respond probably to you both tomorrow, it's probably just lack of sleep but I'm struggling with this.

Take care and be good to yourselves - thanks again for your ongoing support xx

My depression is, like most people, a coping mechanism... the 'not wanting' to face up to the real issues, or not ready to face them.

As my doctor has said....the medication will only change my mood, it does not tackle the circumstances....the reason for the anxiety. I am stronger now than i was, but the circumstances are there every day. Without giving too much away, my partner is an alcoholic with depression herself. Only one of us is on medication.... probably the wrong one! The situation is fluid (pardon the pun). I have a duty to my family to be strong...

There you go! I feel better just for saying it!

I won't be insincere, I can't even pretend to know what your circumstances feel like, but from the minute glimpse of your character I've had on here, you seem like a good and pragmatic man and I really hope you feel better soon and that your circumstances improve drastically.   

That's awesome, well done to you - that's such a massive hurdle to have overcome! I hope your meeting went well today. Don't be hard on yourself - depression totally wipes out your capacity to retain information but I hear that doesn't last. You're on the road to recovery and that's brilliant.

I'm sorry I haven't written back, I have actually been really good the past two days and have my boyfriend's Mother coming to dinner tomorrow so feeling really pleased with myself. I have been going for walks with him too although I still haven't managed to work up the courage to go out alone and I am still ignoring my mobile altogether. Everyone's different I guess but my biggest problem seems to be speaking to people. I'm also still 'napping' in the afternoon. It will be such a relief when my energy finally returns. Overall though, my mood has been much better.

Good luck with CBT tomorrow, let me know how you get on.

Really, genuinely - huge congratulations for going back to work. You're becoming my insperation for each next step!

Take care - speak soon.

Richo, I hope you're doing okay. Here if you need us.

Look after yourselves xx

Work on Friday was a bit hairy.  I had some difficult things to get done, which caused a good old fashion bout of anxiety, but the meeting went well and I'm glad to have a good team working for me.

CBT was ok.  Not sure if it'll work, or if its for me, but have agreed to see him again and will have my first proper session on Sat again next week (this was more of an initial assessment).  Its weird speaking to a complete stranger about what actually happens in your head as you feel panic and other emotions.  Very difficult to acurately portray what its like and to remember clearly how it feels (despite the ever increasing frequency of these episodes!)

Had a nice day, went for a spin in the car after my session and called into the supermarket with my fiance.  We then went for some lunch and sat in the sun sharing a bottle of wine, so that was good.  Up until I got help from the Dr with my depression and anxiety, I had managed to maintain a fairly normal and active life, so I'm still really forcing myself to do things, but I think its helping a little.  Overall, I'd say I feel back to how I felt pre-fluox.  So, I guess that means that the side effects of increased anxiety etc. have passed and its just a short wait for the benefits to kick in.  Hope so anyway!

7 & a half weeks and counting.  Roll on 8 weeks on Thursday!

Surely its got to get better soon....

Thank you - you too. I have to say first of all your comment about feeling pre-flu is exactly where I am too. I am pleased to be free of the side-effects but I sometimes feel I'll never be able to really feel happy or take any pleasure in things again. I like your optimistic view that good things are to come now.

Can I ask; do you feel like you are actually living in the present or just tolerating it and awaiting the future? The only time I feel content is making plans for much further ahead but I worry I'm wishing my life away!

Well done again for soldiering on through the anxiety at work, it's an amazing achievement. The panic attacks will ease, if you are coping with them now it can only get better. It's encouraging to hear you doing so well though.

Time with your fiance in the sun probably does you as much good as the medication, if not more - enjoy as much of it as you can!

Push on with the CBT. I don't really feel it's my thing either... but then I'd never have pegged myself as vunrable to depression so we obviously aren't the best judges! Putting these alien emotions into words is difficult, but they are trained to understand - I don't think it's as important to describe them accurately so much as just to feel comfortable opening up.

Good luck xx

Richo... Are you okay? Here for a chat if you need us xx

Nope - I feel the same.  Very much feeling like I'm still not very well each day, coping and looking forward to a better future.  However, I'm not really looking long term.  Just wishing for a better day tomorrow than the one before it.

The thing I'm struggling with is that my mood is just incredibly inconsistent.  I can feel anything from ok-ish for a few hours or so to almost intollerably low with seemingly no stimulus to cause the shift.  Since my few good days (around 10 days ago), I haven't been having the best time of it and just managing to cling on really, and forcing myself to do things.

Thank god I found this forum though, plus others like it.  I'm a "lurker" ordinarily but only posted here because you were at the same point as me and its been helpful to have someone to chat with.  Its so difficult for those around us to fully empathise (even if they really want to) if they've not been ill in this way themselves in the past.

Hope you're continuing to do well and thanks for the comforting thought that I'm coping now, so it will get better.  I'll adopt that as a mantra this week.  Make sure you keep it in mind too!   

How was your day?

I'm sorry things haven't been as good as they were. I don't think you should pressure yourself too much - you have come an incredibly long way. This is a serious illness that some people give into and can never beat - the very fact you are out and about, attempting to continue your career as well as remain fit and sociable means you aren't giving into it. You are on a journey, not stuck in a hole. It's a horrible journey and there are bound to be set-backs but at least you are moving forward - give yourself credit.

It's very comforting to have someone to talk to actually, I didn't expect that. I came on here for practical advice but just knowing that someone, somewhere is going through this with me has helped massively - so thank you for that. My partner is amazing and I love him with all of my heart but no, I don't believe anyone who has not been through this could possible grasp the effects of it and it's a little unfair to expect them to.

My mood has been pretty consistant, however I am not managing to go out alone or get on with my life. I suppose it effects us all a little differently. I spent the day doing housework yesterday and it completely annihilated me! I've been sleeping on and off ever since.

Keep well xx

Thanks for the kind words. Yep, I have massively appreciated your support through all of this.

I'm so glad you've hit a stable patch.  To be honest, I think its to my detriment that I'm pushing on with things as it would be stressful enough without the dep/anx, I've just been bed-bound pretty much for 9 months so I feel compelled to push on.  I think this is partly why I haven' levelled out and I don't feel like I've got a stable base to build from yet. 

You have to do what is best for you at any given point as you work your way through this and you will instinctively know what is going to help.  Rest, recover, look after yourself and you'll get there, I have no doubt.

I had a pretty grim day yesterday and ended going back to the GP today who felt I might need an adjustment of meds, so from tonight, I'll be on 30mg Mirtazapine combined with 20mg Prozac. It'll be interesting to see how this goes - as I said before, Mirt is sedating at lower doses but activating in higher doses.  I do hope it doesn't affect my sleep too much and I would have rathered the Prozac being raised to 40mg, but I trust my GP and she wants to see me in a fortnight (so presumably is expecting good things within that timeframe).  This gives me hope.

So, given that I'm now more Mirt than Prozac our experiences may not tally so well, but I do hope you keep in touch!  I'll let you know how I'm going anyway.  If the Mirt really helps, then I will definitely let you know.

God speed...

How are things?

I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I've decided I'm not going back to my role as an Office Manager and accepted the 'house-wife' lifestyle for a few weeks. It immediately made me feel a lot better. I have been a lot less lathargic and have been going out walking, or just to the shops with my boyfriend every day. Although it's a little early still, I'm going to begin looking for a lower-level job soon. I didn't realize the weight of the pressure I was putting on myself to go back to work until it lifted. I still have a way to go, but I finally feel I'm entering the final stretch of this nasty illness.

Everyone is different and it's important to do what's best for you. You do not want to make any major life changes you will end up regretting later... However, that said - please consider taking some more time to recover. I hate to think of you unnecessarily pushing yourself. I'm sorry if that is over-stepping the mark.

How are you getting on the with the Mirtazipine? I'm still on Zopiclone to sleep but I'm definitely getting into an improved routine now.

I hope you are doing okay xx

I'm glad you've made a decision and feel comfortable with it.  That will help ease your mind and by the sounds of it, you'll comfortably find something less stressful while you are recovering.

I still feel more or less the same. The increase in Mirtazapine has done little for me, but that was only on Monday.  This is week 8 of Prozac now and I'm still a long way shy of feeling normal but am seeing my GP a week monday to decide where we go next.  The Mirt has continued to make me sleepy, so that is a relief. 

And no, of course I don't consider your concern to be overstepping the mark. I am persevering with work and it's really difficult, but I am being sensible about it.  At least my phased return means I am not doing silly hours. 

So glad you're seeing some relief.  It gives me a bit of hope going forward!

Thank you, yes it has really helped and I seem to be feeling a little better with each day now.

I did something silly last night though and it made me realize how fragile my state of mind is. I went for a walk with my boyfriend to a nature reserve near my house. We go there a lot, but it was Twilight and it started to get dark before we were halfway home. I have severe arachnophobia and walking through fields in the dark would make me a little nervous even at my best. But last night it brought on a full blown panic attack and I came very close to passing out. I was a total mess. As soon as we got home and I showered I was absolutely fine and in a good mood again but it made me reevaluate how far recovered I actually am. Quite disappointing.

I'm glad to hear the Mirt hasn't stopped you sleeping. I'm sure it's too early to feel the benefits yet. I know time is passing slowly - I feel like I've been going through this forever - but you've come so far, another month or so is nothing. Perhaps a slight increase in Flu will be next for you. Don't be hard on yourself, I hear there are some people taking 120mg a day! You have managed so well on so little. Due to your injury, you have also been going through this a lot longer than I have so it makes sense it may take a little longer to feel yourself again. You'll get there.

I think I've just started week 9, though I've had a terrible sense of time since this started and am not sure that's accurate.

Keep well and be good to yourself xx

I wanted to say thanks for your kind words on Friday, I had an awful day of anxiety and panic attacks and your message gave me the perspective I needed to get into the office and get through the day. 

Sorry you had a wobble with the arachnaphobia but glad to hear you recovered so well from it!  I've actually had two very good days, so I'm hoping that I have turned a corner.  Seeing my GP a week tomorrow, so will see how I am doing then, but I'd say I'm half way to normality (which as you know is no small feat given how we were feeling a month ago!)

I had CBT again yesterday and I think it will help.  My therapist is a very sensible and gentle individual and he's quickly got to grips with my anxieties and is formulating a way for us to work through them, so that is positive too.  How is yours going? 

Hope your still good and that this positive feeling lasts for both of us!

You're very welcome but I haven't said anything you won't see for yourself when you're feeling better.

How are you today? So glad to hear you've had a positive few days. Well done for persevering with work, that's no small feat.

I'm doing really well, thank you. I have started looking for a new job (probably a bit prematurely) and am starting to feel like me again. Still getting anxious when left alone but I'm learning to overcome it by distracting myself. The tiredness is my biggest problem at the moment but I'm pushing against it and becoming more active, bit by bit. I am determined I will not go up a dress size due to this illness!

I'm still on the waiting list for CBT. I asked if I could pay for it and was told there are no councillors in my area at this time! They have been checking on me via telephone and said I should be seen in a few weeks. It's encouraging to hear you feel it will help. It's a little alien for some of us to lay everything we're thinking out to a stranger and accept their advice but we trust doctors with our physical problems so I guess this is no different. Please keep me updated on how it progresses for you.

Take a look at the beginning of this thread - it may feel like forever but we have come a long way in such a short time. Take care xx

How are you doing?

Please don't feel obligated to answer but I had some great news today and wanted to share with you as our progress seems to boost one another...

I had an interview for a new job today and I got it! I felt awful getting up, I made my boyfriend escort me to the interview (pathetic...) but I did it and they called me an hour later to offer me the role. They said I'm the youngest person to be employed at a managerial level in the company and they're very excited to have me on board! I'm not boasting, it's just it is such an ego boost. I think their positivity has helped more than the nine weeks of fluoxetine! I feel like I've climbed out of a huge hole and although exhausted from the effort, it feels so good. I have a month before I start, which I'm positive is enough time to get rid of this lethargy and become active again. I think - I hope - I'm almost through this. I still have moments of anxiety and I know I still have a way to go but I don't think I'm going to sink that low again. Although if I do now I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, if it hits me again I think it will be easier.

I really hope you are still improving. You have been such a support these past few weeks - thank you for that. Everyone is different and you have had to deal with a lot more than I have but I can now confidently promise, it really does get better.

Sending you positive vibes! xx

I'm so pleased for you and a terrific sign that you're getting stronger and closer to full fitness!  I'm doing a little better thanks, the good days are starting to outnumber the bad and I'm seeing my GP tomorrow to see if she wants to adjust dosage again.  Had a few difficult days last week and was generally at full tilt in the office again, so definitely making progress.

When you starting the new role??  Fantastic news and has really made me happy!

Well done again!

Thank you so much. I'm getting a little anxiety about it every so often but it's such a relief to feel I can be part of the world again. I start on 13th July, which I'm hoping gives enough time to dispell this lethargy. It does seem to be improving, most days I'm active until early evening now.

How are you, did you end up with a dose increase? I'm sorry you had a few bad days. That means you had a few good days though and that's a way forward from where we started. You'll get there. I'm in awe that you have persevered with work - that's such a huge achievement in itself. Remember to give yourself a pat on the back, it's so easy to miss the positives.

I went to the cinema to see Jurassic World in 3D today and really enjoyed it, it's nice to feel pleasure in the little things again.

Hope you're doing okay xx