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Ok, so I've spent the last couple of years sacrificing much of my social time and studying very hard to get where I am today - changing career from marketing/promotions into web design/development.
I've also spent the past 4/5 years going to counselling for depression/anxiety issues that interestingly came to a mutually agreeable end just as I was moving into this new career - it felt like good timing. I felt like I'd come a very long way since my younger days of partying all weekend/running away from my problems to finally finding something I enjoyed career wise, living on my own for the first time, looking after myself and handling life well on a daily basis - I felt ready to go it alone.
I started off really well in the new job and I really enjoy the fact that I now build things (with code) for a living, it give me great satifaction when things are going well. However, sometimes when I don't understand a concept or a new technique that I need to implement I severly beat myself up, to the point that I think I even stifel my learning process by spending more time beating myself while I'm trying to get my head round the problem.
As I'm writing this I intellectually understand that its natural not to know everything, especially when I'm new to this industry... but in the moment its the complete opposite, I almost hate myself for not having the knowledge, telling myself that I'm not good enough, comparing myself to the two other guys I work with that each have over 10 years experience doing this type of work! Again, as I write this I see how crazy it is to beat myself up for not having the skills that these guys have when I have less than two years experience... but at the time its like a black cloud comes over me and I stop functioning properly!
I've completed a few projects that I feel very happy with and proud of but I'm now getting more challenging projects so I've left work on a number of occasions feeling quite low... I've begun to doubt myself and my skills and self sabotage by going out and drinking too much on the weekends. This causes a vicious cycle by leaving me feeling a bit fuzzy the first few days of the week when I really need to be fresh as there's so much to learn. I think the drinking is a combination of two things: 1. Self sabotaging a new career, something I enjoy, something good for me... I've had a habit of doing this in the past... 2. An attempt to block out my feelings of hate/anger towards myself at my lack of knowledge but of course it only exasserbates the issue as I end up more annoyed for going out drinking and wasting money, brain cells, etc - the self saboteur is clearly in full swing!
I'm just really worried that I'm going to mess this up if I don't find some support from others because the biggest problem is I'm not talking through my feelings/difficuties with others, I'm just trying to ignore it/block it out and I know that's not good... been there, done that... Even the process of writing all this has helped so it would be great to find some people to chat to on here... :-)
Any advice/similar stories? It would be great to hear from you...
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