Drinking again - dont know what to do

Hello people,

I have been drinking for a few days now - very controlled to start with. There is a pattern where I dont drink for a few months, then I experiment with a beer or two a night. My husband then starts to talk about - maybe we could pop down the local pub sometime if youre drinking is under control - like we always used to.  We have no social life where we live, and he is as fed up with it as I am.  

So many people we know know that 'I dont drink', that its very difficult to socialise with anyone who doesnt know this - hence alcohol is always very obviously not available when we are invited to dinner - not that thats very often!  

I started getting tinnitus in the last few weeks. Its complicated by the fact that I am also fighting an addiction to diazepam and am on a reduction programme with this. All has gone really well until a couple of weeks ago, when the tinnitus got the better of me, and I gave in and started to up my dose of valium.  I did tell the doctor about this when I saw her yesterday. 

I have also just had a sinus scan after referral to ENT as my specialist thinks I might need my sinuses drained. I had a bad infection earlier in the year. I am hoping that is the reason, and that I dont have to just learn to cope with the tinnitus, because I know some people have to.

I have also read that its an effect of withdrawal from valium.

I have had a few drinks today and a bit of valium, and the tinnitus is much better, but obviously, this is not a sensible solution.

I know this mix - diazepam and booze is toxic, and I have suffered the consequences of this many times before.

My son is in the middle of completing his A levels. Last night he was being sick for a few hours - half the night - and he had two important exams today.  I am so concerned about him - that the pressure of this is making him ill - and I know that I really must not add to the list of worries he has by him knowing I have been drinking again.

I cant keep up my abstinence programme with this pressure going on. He has already had to repeat a year of A' Levels because he had glandular fever the first year, and had alot of time off sick.

I have been getting such feelings of panic, and the only way to calm them is by drinking. I just want my son to be OK. I need to be there to support him. So far I have been, and I know he appreciates it. 

I had got to the point where I couldnt even have one beer without feeling ill and then I'd stop, but its as if I have managed to train myself up again to be able to deal with it.

I havet got a job or a driving licence, and I feel as if I'm wasting my life. Well I am, apart from always being there to support my son. I used to have a very good job, my own mortgage, - independance - but now I'm just reliant on my husband.   Not good.

I feel as though the only way to break this cycle is too be away on my own somewhere for quite a while without feeling I have to 'perform' or actively support anyone else. 

Is this totaly selfish of me?

I just want to be somewhere I can deal with all this - maybe with some counselling, but on my own, and get to the other side of this abyss., and emerge a stronger more capable person - like I used to be.

Sorry for the rambling post. 

Thanks...

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