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Drinking to escape bad memories

Posted , 3 users are following.

madder_rose
madder_rose

I'm really concerned that my drinking is getting out of control. I think I've had a bit of a problem since my teens. I find it really difficult to stop drinking once I start. I'm almost 38 now and I'm getting worse. I drink alone a few times a week, usually wine but sometimes beer too. I had an unwelcome reminder of an abusive relationship over the weekend and ended up getting drunk twice. Once socially and on my own yesterday. I felt really unwell towards the end of the night and kept thinking I didn't care if I died. I don't want to carry on like this...I also have borderline personality disorder, depression and horrific issues with my self esteem and just want my life back. I really don't want to go to my GP, but don't know how to help myself. Any guidance or advice would be really helpful.

0 likes, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 madder_rose

    Posted

    Try to be proud of yourself when you achieve something. You are strong and need to feel great about yourself. It is best to have a plan.  smile do try to drink less IF possible. I do not know what else to suggest
    • madder_rose
      madder_rose Robin2015

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words. Especially the part about having a plan. I want to retrain as a mental health nurse when I can go back to work.
  • michelle22179
    michelle22179 madder_rose

    Posted

    Hi Madder Rose,

    Sorry to read that you are feeling so low at the present time. I can totally empathise with your situation. I started drinking in my mid teens, but not alot. Just every now and then. Your comment has made me look back and realise that alcohol has been a part of my whole life ever since then except it was only on a weekly basis when in my 20's. I did not drink when I was pregnant or breastfeeding. I got divorced when I was 30. Im 38 now and have found that drinking has taken over my life ever since. It was a few times a week for the first few years of being on my own and has now fluctuated to a daily habit; a bottle of wine per night, sometimes two. I have also had a string of abusive (mainly emotional) relationships since my divorce and have now just taken responsibility for my part in them. That is, that I let them happen. I could see all the signs that they weren't healthy and right for me but drinking mellowed me and somewhat distorted my view of the reality of what was going on ie. that I was being taken advantage of. This has also resulted in me now having self-esteem issues and drinking is not going to fix them but make them worse. I have just started seeing someone to sort through my inner issues to help rebuild myself. Im hoping that I will never need to fill that void in me with wine anymore. Have you thought of doing this? I think we only drink to mask whatever reality we are experiencing. Getting down to sorting that out would be the key to recovery I think as well as having a strong desire to get back to being healthy and feeling like yourself again. I hope this makes sense, I have rushed typing it.

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 michelle22179

      Posted

      Wov!! Great reply. "we drink to mask whatever reality" is stunning and VERY TRUE to most people. We all hde and live in half truths. Up to us to realise when we have hit rock bottom and then STOP. Always give yourself treats when you have done something amazing!
    • madder_rose
      madder_rose michelle22179

      Posted

      Hi Michelle,

      Thanks for your reply. It more than made sense, really resonated with me actually. I realised something important after reading it, I drink to try and feel better when I'm low. I know it sounds really basic, but the inner critic just has a go at me and says I am "Being stupid and selfish" This definitely has roots in my childhood, my Dad often yelled that all I did was upset the house. I also had bulimia from ages 15-34 and self harmed in my late teens. My Mum dismissed it as "Silliness" and put my depression down to my taste in music and films. We're fine now, but it was hard going for all of us. My Mum had difficulty accepting my diagnosis because she felt the family were being blamed. We finally communicate now, she even came to visit for a week last month. I moved away 7 years ago, so it was a bit of a breakthrough.

      I've always had difficulty forming healthy relationships. I started having sex at 14, thinking it would get someone to like me and maybe "rescue" me. I'm in a long distance relationship with a lovely guy now. He is doing his very best to understand my Borderline personality disorder and accepts me for myself. Not a project to work on or something to control. Previous to this, I had three disastrous relationships. One was emotionally abusive, the next sexually and the last both of the above and physically violent. Despite this, I was branded the bad guy and a liar for speaking out. I don't think either of the criminally abusive two paid for what they did to me. I wish it didn't matter. When I am triggered like I was at the weekend, it does though.

      I didn't drink alcohol yesterday, mainly I researched drink problems connected with P.D. I slept a lot and stuffed my face (I suspect I have Binge Eating Disorder but it isn't taken seriously as a condition) I'm not going to drink today either. I have an art journalling class at 10am and a new bed to put together when I get back. Today feels like a good one, I feel strong and don't need the numbness of wine.

      I worry about the next time I do though xx Best of luck with your recovery Michelle, you sound like you're on your way 😊

    • madder_rose
      madder_rose Robin2015

      Posted

      Hi Robin,

      Thanks for your reply. I agree, it's quite the revelation when you sit and think about what it actually means. I guess every single one of us has something we want to hide from. Everyone's got a story, there's bound to be a few bad pages in each one. It's clearly down to how we handle the bad stuff. At the moment, I seem to be looking for help at the bottom of a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc or can of beer. One foot in front of the other though. My goal is to not drink alcohol until my friend's birthday celebration on Saturday. I feel confident today, but my moods fluctuate like mad.

      I agree with the treats strategy...As long as said treat doesn't have calories or a high ABV!

    • michelle22179
      michelle22179 madder_rose

      Posted

      Thank you so much Madder rose. I have just got back into training with a PT so I am starting to take on stuff that I haven't for a while. Good on you for going two days without anything. Just by reading your message you sound pretty together so don't let the negativity of people in your life bring you down. Its such a shame that there are so many negative, toxic personalities out there in the world and if you're anything like me, Im so kindhearted and generous that people just take advantage. Im getting stronger now though. Unfortunately, Ive had to learn the hard way. I was just cheated again by someone I was with for a few months who claimed he had left his girl friend. Guess what....he hadnt. I found out a few days after ending the relationship because I had a gut feeling something didn't seem right.

      Looking forward to hearing how you go. Keep smiling smile

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 madder_rose

      Posted

      HI Madder Rose. You have certainly been through a lot and coping very well indeed!! Binge eating sound goods to me!! Keep going ...and less drnking it seems....   smile
    • madder_rose
      madder_rose michelle22179

      Posted

      Hi Michelle,

      Sorry to hear about what happened with your ex. He behaved appallingly and you deserve better, without question. I too find certain types of people take advantage. When we are vulnerable, they see us as easy targets and use our positive traits against us. It's they who are in the wrong however, not us. It takes far more strength to be a decent human being than not.

      I didn't drink any alcohol today. I was very tempted whilst doing my weekly shopping - The supermarket I use does very reasonable and tasty wine. It kept nagging at me until I put my pyjamas on at about 9pm! Then it hushed down to a dull roar. I feel proud of myself for making it through 3 days.

      How are Things with you?

    • madder_rose
      madder_rose Robin2015

      Posted

      Hi Robin,

      Thanks for your encouragement 😊

      I've kept busy again today and not had a drink. On course for my goal of not having any alcohol until my friend's birthday on Saturday!!

      How are things with you?

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 madder_rose

      Posted

      HI Rose. Stopped exactly 2 1/2 yrs ago stone cold since i had too much to loose. Has regained respect from my family and not looking bad  smile
    • madder_rose
      madder_rose Robin2015

      Posted

      Robin, that's an amazing achievement. You're an inspiration, all the congratulations in the world! At the moment I'm cutting down, but if that doesn't work out I'll have to abstain altogether. I'm facing up to that now and making decisions that I've put off for years.
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