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Drug addiction and overdosing myself

Posted , 5 users are following.

Buggsy1978
Buggsy1978

Hi all where do I start🤔🤔

5 years ago I had to have major spinal surgery after an accident, I have had about 15 operations since then and there is now nothing they can do, I am 39 and been medically signed off work by my insurance company. I am finding this really difficult in not being able to work as I have had to work from a young age due to my dad not being around so work was a big part of my life. I can’t sit for more than 30/60 mins at a time and the same with laying down. So I get on average 2 hrs sleep a night and for 5 years I feel like I am a 90 yr old.

When I had my surgery to have titanium rods screw and cages and springs put in my spine, they also damaged my nerves to my legs, so from the knees down I can’t feel anything and they also damaged the sacral nerve  , when I had the operation the placed a catheter in as it was a 8 hr operation, the didn’t retract my foreskin properly, when I came around, I felt a lot of pain down below, where they had not retracted the foreskin properly it caused me to have a permanent erection, I called the sister over and as I was laying flat and wasn’t allowed to sit up she had a look and said I had a paraphomosis , after some ice treatment and a needle to remove the blood,  that didn’t work so I was taken back in to surgery to have a circumcision, the first one became infected so I needed a second to clean the infection and I then needed a 3rd as it was still to tight. I have what the surgeons say a tourtiise style as they don’t think they can remove more skin but because of the pain I have now been left with being unable to get aroused, I need plastic surgery as I have been left in such a state, but the waiting list is 2 years + or go private.

This has had a knock on effect with my wife, because the sacral nerve damage I had to also have my prostate removed. My wife after the last 18 months has and is finding it hard we can’t be intermit together. I have offered to try many things but she isn’t in to toys etc. And says she wants a man.

I feel less of a man everyday, my depression is getting worse, I see the psychiatric team and they just up my meds, and sit and nod when I discuss and don’t get any feed back.

For the Last 5 night I have been taking an overdose hoping not to wake up but it didn’t work. I’m a big lad so it takes a lot to knock me out even when I have had surgery once I woke up in the middle of the operation.  Last night I took 20 x 30/500 cocodomol, 50 mg of diazepam, 150 mg noratryptilin, 240 mg of  duloxatine, 75 mg mertazerpine as well as targinact 40/20 x 2.  I know this is wrong but I know if I go to hospital last time they just did bloods and told me to go home and sleep it off. 

I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel I can’t support my family, I can’t give my wife what she needs, I’m 39 and so unhappy. I just want to close my eyes and not wake up.

Any advice ?

Regards buggsy

Kindest regards

1 like, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • margarida57672
    margarida57672 Buggsy1978

    Posted

    Sue the hospital and doctors, I can not accept that having 15 operations is normal, It is not and the medical teams seem to have made a total mess of your body.

     

    • Buggsy1978
      Buggsy1978 margarida57672

      Posted

      Hi Margarida, thanks for your message. A number of the operations was needed for my spine , the accident I was involved in was down to a drunk driver, I was on my motorbike going to work at 04:30 one morning and he just pulled straight out, I hit the car about 60 mph but thankfully I had good body armour on, but still it damaged my spine, I had a kidney removed, spleen, Galbladder broken ribs.  But it was a good 20 mins before I was found as it was a quiet bit of road. But in total on my spine I have had 8 operations. And from those operations it’s caused all the other issues and that’s the thing I found the hardest. As I said each day I feel a little bit of me dies inside. Not being able to support my wife, family. I feel I have become a burden on them. I’m very restricted in what I can do where I can go. I struggle to sit in a car for 30 mins and I had my licence taken away by DVLA as my GP had a duty of care and said there was no way I can do an emergency stop. So as I said more of me just feels less off a man each day. And I don’t want to carry on. 

      But I also know I am being selfish if not to my wife but to my kids. But I think they will be better off without me in there lives as they can do more. They go on holidays without me as it’s to much pain to travel so I don’t feel part of the family. 

      I don’t know I have all these screwed up ideas in my head and nothing make sense anymore.😭😭😭

  • margarida57672
    margarida57672 Buggsy1978

    Posted

    Your problems seem huge. I do understand that you had no control over what happened. My experience is that the medical profession often give bad medical treatment for a variety of reasons and one of those reason is so that the patient has to keep coming back for medical treatment. Seek help from a no win no fee lawyer and see what they say to you. All the best.
  • hypercat
    hypercat Buggsy1978

    Posted

    Hi reading your story brought tears to my eyes as I think you have been treated very badly by the NHS.  I do agree with suing them if you can but appreciate this is a very long drawn out process.  

    Please don't take any more overdoses as you could leave yourself far worse off.  Imagine for example having liver problems to add to your long list.  I think you need to go back to your doctors and ask for some help with your feelings.  Depression is very common in chronic conditions and is not a sign of weakness you know.

    Regarding your wife whilst I can understand her feelings she needs to remember she married you in sickness and in health and it isn't your fault.  If your positions were reversed how would you feel?  

    You might think your wife and children would be better off without you which is a sign you are no thinking straight.  Killing yourself would leave them with a lifetime of pain and they would never get over it.  They would probably blame themselves and end up with massive guilt and there is more chance they would end up having major life problems ie alcohol,  drugs,  depression etc.  Could you really leave them with this sort of legacy?  I am sure they would much rather have you,  their real father,  in their lives healthy or not than some surrogate father.  

    Being a dad and a man is also much more than just being the provider you know.  It is being there for your children and teaching them life lessons and letting them know they are loved and wanted in every way.  That's what good dads do.  x

  • AlexandriaGizmo
    AlexandriaGizmo Buggsy1978

    Posted

    Hi sadly if you keep taking drug doses that high you will probably kill yourself anyway, sometimes it's not instantaneous you can die from an overdose well after the event when vital organs stop functioning correctly especially your liver, you have young children, please get checked out and you seriously need some help not only physically but some help with mental health issues as well, life is never perfect but it is sometimes as good as it gets especially if you have beautiful little ones to give you a reason to live

  • Buggsy1978
    Buggsy1978

    Posted

    Hi everyone, thank you for the feed back and everything you have said all rings true and I know that what I am doing is wrong. But I don’t know why I keep doing it.

    Last night I took loads of medication and alcohol, but after reading HyperCats message I managed to get a friend to take me to A&E, they immediately took bloods and put me in a drip. When the bloods came back the Jr Dr came back and was really patronising ( perhaps it’s what I needed ) but she said she had never seen sick high levels in a person before and them still be standing and talking, she asked me why are you so stupid to do this to myself. Something I didn’t really want to hear or answer. With that 3 male nurses and a Dr came in and tried to physically tie me to a bed so that the mental health team could come and asses. I don’t know if it was there approach I hated or the man handling but they didn’t calmly try to talk to me. So I managed to get out of the hospital and leave, I didn’t go home as I know the police have been looking for me. But I have sat in the woods all night drinking water and trying to get myself soba, I don’t have anyone to talk to close to me. Hence why I am talking on here hoping someone will make me see sense. 

    I am tired, confused and struggling. 

    😭😭😭

    • AlexandriaGizmo
      AlexandriaGizmo Buggsy1978

      Posted

      Not really sure what you want us to say, but I think that you shouldn't be running away from the mental healthcare workers you should be begging them to take you in, if not for your sake then for the sake of your wife and children, it's not great growing up knowing one of your parents took their own life, why did you go to A&E if you actually didn't want their help.

      Please stop asking for help and then saying you don't need it.

      I'm on here a lot and find it hard to comprehend your self destruct button because I speak to loads who want to live but aren't being given a choice.

      Except the help being offered or just except the fact you cannot come back at some point.

      I hope you decide to except the help though

  • bibby86013
    bibby86013 Buggsy1978

    Posted

    u should not feel the way you do, u do however ( if im correct ) feelthis way for selfless reasons, for your wife/partner or spouse. i am experiencing something similar but with time i have gained wisdom and strength and learned I STILL MATTER, U must stop punishing yourself and practicing self PITTY NO MATTER WHAT  , YOUR KIDS WOULD DEFINATELY WANT U ON THIS  EARTH , NO MATTER WHAT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. This is just the start 
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