Elderly Dad - Hypchondria

No offence Lisa but did you read this bit :-

I live 30-40 mins drive, got a wife who has got a long term disabling illness, young children, a teenager whos also got health problems.

It doesnt just "bug" my wife or kids it affects their wellbeing!

Are you suggesting he should take 100% of my time and attention just because hes old?

Its all well and good to criticise when your not in this position believe me. Its very easy to take the moral high ground and say "look at that poor old man and the way hes treated by his son" when you don;t know the whole story.

Until you've been in  this situation you will never know. So please leave you're nasty comments about my children feeling the same.

Your children will learn by your example. Thats reality.. And i understand its too much for you hence the recommendation for a senior house living enviornment. Everyone's got  a story. I never said have him live with you. Just place him in a senior home doesnt have to be a facility.. Many have little Ones, private,  they have a few who live in a house with someone who cares for them..  how can this not get hurtful? You want people on here to tell you poor you and screw the old man? What are you looking for? Parents do their best and you know it doesnt always pan out and clearly he probably always had some form of mental illness or anxiety. If he was abusive to you and treated you like crap i am sorry. Id still find him a Senior living arrangement. It would be easier on everyone that way anyway. I get its too much to have him with you and I realize he might be stubborn but its easier and safer for all., i never said give  him all your time that isnt realistic. You wrote this to vent and because its overwhelming for you but by the same token im giving you a plausable alternative. And yes being a bit mean because i did not sense much compassion in your post. I sensed frustration and a bit of anger and being overwhelmed.  Hurtful. Everyone has a story. Seriously. Not being nasty. You just care for your own, thats what you do, not a  Moral high ground. Its doing the right thing. Compassion and loving thing. You come from a place of love within you period.  This is about compassion. That is all.

Hi Lisa. I appreciate your suggestion and I've offered that - he point blank refusues to live elsehwere. Its a constant fight to get him to agree to improvements in his home to help him.

I still don't think you get it though. There too much of a stereotype where children treat their elderly parents badly. Its too easy to say "Aw poor old people, they can't help it".

I understand that, in a way, Dad cant help the way he is, at times. Not all of the time. 

Believe me when you're making youself ill and neglecting your own family to try and help an elderly parent who even then makes things difficult tends to suck a lot of compassion out of you when its gone on for years. It does get frustrating.

My Dad has made it clear in the past that its all about him. Im willing to help him where I can, as long as he understands that there are others who I also have to deal with. Its a matter of sharing time between them all.

He has refused this and says I should be putting him first. What can I say to that? If I told you some of the things he done you'd be amazed.

One xmas he was in hospital. He demanded I visit him at a certain time. Then demanded I stay for pretty much all of the day. When I said look, I'll come and visit and bring the grandkids (who were young) but it wont be all day. His answer was "Dont bring the kids, I want you to come at x time like I said. There'll be other xmases for you to spend with the kids. This year I expect you to make a big effort".

Last xmas was similar. He came over ours for dinner then I took him home. Spent an hour or so talking him down from calling an ambulance. Because he thought he couldnt wait until after the holidays.

Angry, yes because things like this are unreasonable..... I can't do it end of. 

 

He is 82 and prooving he cant properly live on his own. So its not an offer. Its now a lifestyle change for him. They mostly are all stubborn and a bit nasty at first when their lifestyle changes . Thats expected.You look around and try to find either a reasonable assisted living enviornment or a group that takes in the elderly and care for them. I used  both but loved the latter. They adjust in time. Many elderly men especially become stubborn and kind of nasty as they age as they scared. They wont admit that. And this should not all fall on you, never said that. But he can no longer live as he is living nor can you live that way. And look you really do not have too. This is more doing whats right and with it coming from a good place within you. Because you do want him in a facility or home that is going to be kind to him.

and view it this way you would never leave a stubborn child alone in a house when he has prooven he cant do it, so same applies to you father now. You can speak to the facilities or the home when you find it on how to make the transition. No i would not discuss it with your father. Its unknow to him and he pictures a prison like situation. It isn't.

i have walked this walk so im not making this up from the air. I thought it was going to be a nightmare because when we tried someone going to the house it went awful. Well it all turned out lovely. The assisted living was fine but not the right fit so we did choose the latter and found a small home who looked after a few elderly at a time. It was run with a couole of nurses (they were sisters but nurses and ran the home) took time to find this set up, God bless those people they were wonderful and cared for a couple of family members and we did treat them like family as well as time went on. But wow its a life changer for him and you.  

Dont concern yourself with his attitude and rules, he is scared and stubborn and trying to form himself some grounding but he cant do it anymore. Without a doubt he is scared and lonely.

good luck and know their are ways to make it a win win. And know there is a small time of adjustment for him. Normal. 

Ive have walked this walk and from both ends by the way. I worked .in an assisted living facility way back when i was younger and .i had relatives who had made the transition.  It does work. Its more now about your attitude and coming from a place of compassion and love because you need to find him the correct living enviornment for him. He is too fearful off scary stories im sure he has heard. Scared of the unknown.They have great places everywhere and if you place him somewhere that stinks you move him..do your best to find a good alternative living place. Ask around. Believe me putting in the leg work of finding him a new living enviornment will feel way better then life now. It isnt an offer it's what needs to be done. Once you find a place you like they will guide you on the transition. No need to discuss it with him until then. This is what is in the best interest of all involved. 

I hope that helped you somewhat. 

Lisa - Like I said he point blank refuses to entertain living anywhere else. Since hes of sound mind I can do nothing. With everything else, I can do nothing.

BTW - are you in the UK also?

Im glad it all worked out for you but I think its fair to say that not all elderly parents are the same. As I said, before, spend an hour wuth my Dad and you'l lthink what a lovely old man and poor him. As you did when you replied to this thread.

I was like that for years. In the end compassion gives way to the practicalities of the situation. You begin to realise that there is actually nohting wrong with him physically, and you begin to realise that he doesnt want to be helped. Next stage is you begin to realise that he doesnt care about anyone else and wants you're full attention. Final stage of the picture is when you realise he doesnt care about your healh either.

I could list probably two pages of A4 with things I've tried to talk him into which would help him and hes refused. Sometimes I think he prefers things a bit screwed up to be honest.

His current issue is that hes got fluid on the lung. Or course he hasnt! But he won't have it. My wife (a qualified nurse) used to spend a lot of time with him trying to help. He used to just argue and refuse to take advice. She spoke to doctors and got help but he just argued with them.

Neil thanks. I see you've read the post. :-)

Its a difficult one because he does not want to live anywhere else and, in his eyes, there is nothing wrong with the way he expects me to do things.

Hi Paul I posted this three days ago and l have read your responses to other people Your father is behaving like a spoilt child and when he is playing up he obviously gets the attention he thinks he deserves.l can only say it is time to stop jumping when he demands.l know this is extremely difficult however you can't keep this up and if he won't listen to reason then there is nothing you can say to change him.He is 80 odds not 2 and of sound mind so he has to take responsibility for his own care.

Hi Marlene. Yes Im in the UK. He has had carers in the past but he always cancels them after a few weeks.

Thats the main problem - I try to sort things out to help him but he wants it all how he wants it. LAst weekend tried to get him to agree to him having tesco home delivery shopping. Nope. Hed rather moan and say he cant do it and get me to drive 30-40 mins each way to bring shopping to him.

Thing is marleen. I would do anything for Dad and have in the past tried to sort things out for him.

But its a constant battle with him. I find its like a game where he tries it on and I have to come up with an excuse. I have sat him down and explained but it makes no difference. I've told him and once his answer was " well they'll all have to understand I need you".

Not sure if I said in this thread he used to expect me to take hm to hospital appointments. I worked 60 miles from home (self employed too so no work = no pay) so it would have been 2 hours away. Would have wiped out days work.

I offered to arrange/pay for taxi. £10. He wouldnt do it he doesnt like taxis. I arranged patient transport - he agreed once. Then he said he wasnt doing it anymore because they turned up 30 mins before he was ready to go (they pick a few people up).

No amount of me pointing out that £10 for me or him having to leave his house 30 mins earlier would come close to the hassle (or cost = could have paid for 20 taxis!!!) of me driving to take him.

He also has no idea of the worry he causes me. He struggles walking up stairs. Hes also fallen twice in last 6 months. I found out he'd been peeing in a bottle to save going up to the toilet. I got social involved, went to meeting, talked him round to getting a stairlift, got it all arranged. Now hes refusing because it "might" cost money. (hes got thousands stashed away!!!)

I tell him that I worry about him and the stairs and his answer "I'll be ok and anyway you won;t have to worry about me any more if I fall down the stairs" 

You definitely have the patience of a saint l loved both my parents however if they were behaving like that l really would have not have tolerated that behaviour.He really is doing and saying everything he can to make you feel guilty.He really should be in sheltered accommodation which would be a lot safer for him.l know he refuses to move however if he was found to be unsafe he would have to go somewhere for his own well being.l assume your mother spoilt him.

Also use his own words against him and tell him he is going to have to understand your wife and children need you.

Thing is social services are useless. And as you probably know you can't force someone. He just wont have it. 

Bit of a strange situation with my mother. Parents divorced when I was 3. This was early 70s. Since then I've not seen a great deal of my mother (she lives in canada). So pretty much brought up by Dad (inc little brother). I guess part of him thinks he did this so I can look after him now.

I often wonder how things ended up like this. i.e. Mother leaving her kids and Dad being ok about bringing us up. At the moment, he couldnt care less about his grandchildren - he totally ignores them. To him their just an irritation that take up my time. I do wonder sometimes if we were like that for him.

Tries it a 1000 times. Goes in one year and out the other. Its got to the point where I need to exagerate or tell little white lies about things to get him to take it seriously.

Like I said, he thinks his issues are way worse than anyone elses. Hes said so in the past. He said to me that I need to speak to my wife to make her be a bit more understanding that he needs my help.

Lets just say I never told her that! 

She was great to him for years for he got worse and worse. As a nurse, she sorted loads of things out for him but he started not believing when she told him and being really ungrateful. So now she doesnt bother. Hes made a few comments about "her being a nurse and all" as if he expects her to put herself out to help him.

I'm stuck in the middle a bit because wife really has had enough of him. To be fair, if Im totally honest she has got a point.

Last xmas was a nightmare. He comes to us every xmas day for dinner. (Brother lives a mile away, no kids - long story!). I drive hour round trip to pick him up (he always moans about the time I come - tries to tell me kids can open presents without me), take him to ours, then 1same taking him home. Hes rude when hes there, wife has to bite her lip. I've asked him and asked him - for instance, EVERY year he spouts off saying "You're both stupid spending this much on the kids".

Last year, he was AWFUL. Played up when he got to our house, making out he was dying pretty much. Pretty much mad em sit with him and ignore my own kids for the day. Made a huge fuss eating and his manners were worse than ever. When I took him home I then spent an hour listening to him telling me he couldnt last until GP opened after boxing day. He was going to call 999. (This was after about 5 hospital visists, 10 GP visits where they told him he was fine). All the time my kids were waiting at home for me to play with them (one is only 4).

Wife has asked this year if we can have a year off and have him boxking day instead. We've had him EVERY year on xmas day for the last decade. Brother lives a mile away, lives with girlfriend no kids at home and has him boxing day (hes down the pub all day xmas day. Im not a drinker but with driving on xmas day there no drink for me!).

After his behaviour, I dont think shes being unfair. She is right. Seriously considering asking him to come Boxing Day instead. Im going to have to make up a white lie - wife is a nurse so does work 365 days sometimes. Trouble is I know if I do this brother still wont change and he'll end up going nowhere xmas day.

Nor will his other family (sister and cousin live close to him) who will be doiung their own thing. The very same people who are very qucik to criticise me when Dad needs something and I can't do it.

 

You get what you deserve in this life so have him on boxing Day and do not listen to what anyone says.To be honest your family are in a better position to help out than you are especially your brother and his sister.If he won't listen to reason which he obviously won't lie away and try not to feel guilty.You have to put your family first.His behaviour is not acceptable.You can't help someone that won't help themselves.lf he is wanting something and it a ridiculous demand tell him you have no car.Just don't let him manipulate you anymore.

It is tough because, obviously, I dont want to upset him but he has pushed things too far.

I get really annoyed that the rest of the family expect me to be the one to step up to the plate all the time. His sister and cousin just keep their head down (they both live in same town). Brother is the same (he lives the same town). 

Remember last time he fell. He was away and they wouldnt let him out of hospital unless he stayed with someone. He was with his cousin (who lives alone). I was away with work and wife was at home with kids. Cousin actually phoned and tried to get me to phone wife and let him stay at our place.

In the end, cousin reluctantly agreed to let him stay. But he laid it on the line that it would be one night max.

I live 25 miles away and have kids and other things on yet I'm the default go to ALL THE TIME.

As you can see with my rants, it winds me up and stresses me a LOT. Found out today via facebook that dear brother and girlfriend are off on holidays over xmas.

Talking about holidays, Im off for two weeks in aug/sep to florida. Fully expect Dad to get iller as the date approaches. Last year he did. Expected me to phone him every day - no so easy with the time difference and of course Im in Disney with the kids. He had a right strop about that last year!

Playing up for the sake of it to ensure hes centre of attention methinks.

Thing is what always worries me is that something serious is going to happen just before I go away. I wont know if its genuine or not. Can guarantee he will expect me to cancel my holiday. Got insurance obviously to cover things like illness of close relative but I dont know what the criteria is....

Thing is theres more than just the cost of the holiday. It'd mean I'd have to let down my kids etc who then wouldnt be able to go. I wouldnt put it past him doing this. If he ever tries this I will go nuts!

Do not under any circumstance cancel your holiday or you will never get away ever again.Remember this and it is the most important thing you have a family of your own and they are the most important thing in this mess.Put them first always.

Yeh I know. I can just see it happening one day. A week before I've got a holiday planned and he ends up in hospital.

As I've found out in the past, its not that difficult to get yourself into hospital when you really want to. It seems doctors err on the side of caution most of the time. (One of the reasons why I knew, a few months ago there was nothing wroing with him when GP refused to come out, paramedic refuses to take him to hospital, hospital sent him home).

To be honest, I'm not going to know it if its serious or not. In the past, hes gone from thinking hes dying one day, toi saying he feels better the next day, then ill next day.