emotional abuse ?
Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi all, I've lived with my partner for 4 years now and he has a very quick temper. he has ocd like habits and I believe gets quite anxious though he doesn't like to let on. anyway it's me that suffers.. he shouts at night .. calls me nasty nasty things when I've done nothing but turn over in bed/go to the toilet. yells at me a lot normally just for little things in the day.. he's recently called down with the insults cos I've kept on and on but literally just now I woke to go to the loo, he got up and said he's sleeping downstairs.. wasn't horrible really but refused to kiss.me.good night and went down there but then started shouting loads cos the dog jumped on the bed..telling me to go to bed.. I was in it! he also drinks and although he has cut down a lot I believe this doesn't help his.mood 
I'm stuck between whether to keep on trying with him or give up and let go.
1 like, 6 replies
callum151100 sara89022
Posted
By the sounds of it, he needs help. He needs to talk to someone that isn't you to vent his worries and frustrations within a relationship. The OCD habits likely show he gets very anxious rather easily. There are many OCD specialists out there these days, he just needs to source the help.
I think the first step would be to address the drinking as it's something physical that he does. As a guy, to admit he's mentally unstable (the OCD) will be harder than admitting he needs to stop drinking. Ideally, he shouldn't drink at all. Alcohol is a drug and does alter our conscious state, so if he can cut that out or source help to or even find an alternative, like chewing gum, it would be great. If that calms him down, brilliant. If not, if he is using help to stop drinking, they may already want to keep a record of his emotions and outbursts anyway and may find that it's not really the alcohol that is causing his abusive behaviour. If they do, they will arrange for some further help in the field of OCD or anxiety.
If they don't source this help, I'd go to your GP to try and find the help for the OCD/anxiety. As he starts to get better, they may include you in the sessions too because obviously, at the moment, it all seems rather situation relating to the relationship.
He can and will get better, but it's whether or not he's willing to. If he isn't, I would leave. Even if he begs and pleads and your heart is aching because it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to him - him losing you will be the kick he needs to sort his behaviour out. And hey, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours.
sara89022 callum151100
Posted
Hi thank you for the reply. Its valid advice but yes the question is does he want to change.Sometimes he says he does but then he reverts back to not wanting to again. Its exhausting! Hes been a bit better recently which shows he can change when he wants to...
Will see, its an interesting point about treating the OCD, I hadn't really thought about it and don''t know if he would agree but its a good point that if his anxieties were lessened he might act better!
callum151100 sara89022
Posted
As a guy, I know what it's like. My mental health effects who I am. It has defined me, just as his does by the sounds of it. Sorting out his OCD will definitely calm down his anxieties which may have a positive effect overall on who he is. It's a worthy avenue to pursue. If he was any sort of boyfriend, he'd realise that the work going into sorting his behavior out is worth it if it means he doesn't lose you.
Good luck! (I'm also glad to hear he's chilled a bit recently.)
kelly55079 sara89022
Posted
If you love him and want it to work, keep trying.. It's all up to you!! BUT he needs to get help. As you said he gets anxious and it's no fault to you!! I would even recommend counseling for yourself-- they can teach you coping methods, self esteem, etc....
My spouse has anxiety and he worries all the time. He also has a quick temper. I have tried to get him help but he refuses. I'm not ready to leave so I'm staying BUT I do make sure I take care of myself and kids. If he gets out of hand, I stand my ground and remind him that I'm his wife and will not be treated like that. I see a therapist and it helps to talk about it because at times I do feel stressed.
sara89022 kelly55079
Posted
Hi, thank you for your reply!
I admire your perseverance. Its hard though isn't it because why should you alter your behaviour and be stressed because he refuses to change his. I did see a councellor as my reactions were making things worse and now I react a bit better but we didn't really go into depth. I just keep thinking would life be easier/better with someone else who is more easy going but then I'm worries as no-one is perfect!
I guess if its just sometimes you feel stressed its kind of ok but if it ended up being often it would be unhealthy.
kelly55079 sara89022
Posted
You do have that option to leave and get on with your life.. It's in the back of my mind as well and at times I do plan it out.. BUT in the meantime, I keep boundaries with him. Some things I let go, and other things I stand my ground. Really all I want is peace in this house- If we have that I'm good for now.