empty

Have you ever been too scared to fall asleep, afraid that someday you'll never wake up and you'll be stuck in the hell that is your mind. Yet at the same time, get so much sleep that it's almost like you're never awake? I'm on medication, I have been for I'd say about a year or so now. Because of Covid I haven't been able to go to any counseling which has sucked and probably isn't helping my situation. There's just an emptiness inside my head. I don't have the energy to do anything, but I want to do everything. I don't lack the want to do things, I just lack the motivation to do it. I used to come up with all sorts of ideas and instantly research and experiment and just have fun, but now I can't find joy in almost anything. I find joy with my dog at least. Which brings me to my next dilemma; I'm supposed to be moving back into the dorms at my school this late January, but of course that means leaving my dog behind as I don't have him trained fully as a service or even an emotional support dog yet (which was the intention behind getting him). I want to go back, because there are people I'd like to see and certain classes on topics I'm extremely interested in that I won't be able to get the full experience for if I remain virtual. On top of that though, my mother has breast cancer and will being going into chemo soon. I have a disabled father and an 11 year old brat of a sister who can't do anything. Can I really leave them to take care of the dog and my sick mother, they say I should go and not worry about it, but can I really be that selfish, do I even want to be. I don't know what the right answer here is. I mean, it's 3:40 am, my medicine which was working so well for me isn't doing s**t for me right now and I'm afraid to fall asleep. What the hell do I do.

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